Each month Tim Elmore will send out information via blog on "Growing Leaders: Ready For Real Life." If you don't know Tim Elmore he lives in the world of educational leadership and parenting leadership. He is renown for his teachings communication. I was reading his post from this month and I believe it is timely for educators, parents, and students.
We’re Living in a Different Day - Tim Elmore
I spoke to the Executive Director of a summer camp in August. The summer was over and so were the weeklong camps. The summer felt long because his patience fell short. When I asked what made this summer so hard, his answer surprised me.
This director was most concerned about the number of campers who left early.
A disproportionate number of kids had requested and received an early departure. They were rescued by parents. Why? One camper complained that a cabin-mate told her the shampoo she used was a bad brand. She felt bullied. Another camper wanted to come home because a fellow camper said she shouldn’t wear “that” shirt with “those” shorts. It hurt her feelings. Still another complained that fellow campers didn’t share their hammock one afternoon.
In each case, parents swooped in to save the day.
My question is: Are caring adults often part of the reason young people aren’t learning problem-solving skills, resilience, and resourcefulness? Do we sabotage delayed gratification? Could it be that grit and growth are stunted because we risk too little and we rescue too quickly?
Cultivating Growth and Grit in Today’s Students
From a biological standpoint, a teenager’s brain is bit of a train wreck. First, it’s low in myelin, the coating that allows various regions to communicate with one another. Next, the prefrontal cortex is developing at warp speed, so topics that a child once took for granted—like believing their parents know what they’re talking about—now seem ripe for reevaluation. Finally, in addition to acting on seemingly every impulse, a teen is programmed to break away from their parents. This is natural and healthy, but that doesn’t make it any easier for a parent or teacher.
We want to rescue. We are nurturers. We want them to be comfortable, safe, and happy. But we must teach them to be resilient too.
Four Ideas to Teach Delayed Gratification
1.Follow the 48-hour rule.
This combats the urge to impulse buy or to react to something in the heat of the moment. It’s wise for students to follow the 48-hour rule, which means they delay a purchase or a reaction for two days if it’s non-essential. Waiting almost always helps kids restore a sense of logic to their minds and calms their emotional reactions. David’s son Nick asked him to buy a portable device one day, but David was trying to build in him an ability to delay gratification. So, David bought the device, but told Nick he’d hold on to it so his son could pay installments on it. This was a longer wait than 48 hours, and it built in Nick an incredible skill to wait gratefully for what he received.
2. Invite a confidant to hold them accountable.
gain an ability to delay gratification when I invite accountability in my life. Each year, I find people I respect and trust deeply to confide in. As I talk over the choices in front of me, I know my accountability partner will be honest with me about my artificial rationale. Author Jonathan Haidt says our brains work like a rider on top of an elephant. The rider is our rational mind; the elephant is our subconscious impulses. Although the rider tells the elephant where to go, the elephant is larger and tends to go wherever it wishes. At this point, the rider rationalizes a poor decision to make it feel logical. Confidants spot this, and can hold students accountable.
3. Make the uncomfortable choice.
Emotions can be unpredictable, but they’re connected to our decision-making. Humans are wired to find shortcuts, to seek pleasure, and to find the path of least resistance. We naturally look for comfort zones. To deepen their grit, challenge teens to choose the less comfortable path when faced with a fork in the road. To be honest, I notice I tend to do easy, quick, or fun things first rather than first things first. If teens do what is hard, not what is easy, they’ll find their grit expands. If they’ll embrace the uncomfortable, it will soon become more comfortable.
4. Think long-term, think big picture, finish what you start.
I can delay gratification if I think about what’s best for my long-term future. When I think about what I want down the road, I find it easier to see a larger vision. I’m wiser when facing hardships. Kids must not give up what they want most for what they want now. My wife and I had our kids choose one activity each season and finish it. Setting and completing a goal is a surefire way to delay gratification. I have found the further out we can see, the better the choice we’ll make.
Delayed gratification, allowing struggle, and sometimes small failures is the best thing we can do as we raise our children. Lauren and I discuss this balance often with our own children often. There is no perfect answer or one size fits all scenario for every situation.
For example, recently our daughter decided to not put her shoes on one morning when Lauren took the kids to school. Lauren was aware that she didn't have shoes on but it was normal because Selah likes to put her shoes on in the car on the way to school for whatever reason and Lauren assumed she put them in the car already. Lauren was busy getting our two year old boy in the car (you know how fun that can be at 2 years old) and didn't see that Selah forgot to get her shoes.
When they arrived at school I met them at the car to help get the kids inside. Thats when I realized Selah had no shoes. I looked around the car and didn't see any others until opened the back hatch where there was a box of clothes we were taking to the compassion center. In the box was an old pair of rain boots that were too small for Selah.
We had a choice to make. Do I leave school and take her home to get her shoes and rescue her or do I allow this to be a teaching moment. I told her that she will have to wear the old rain boots that were too small (it wasn't a rainy day).
Prior to this she had developed a trend of "forgetting things" when it didn't align with what she wanted to do at the moment. This was an opportunity to provide practical application to why it is important to listen and the "why" behind the reason we ask for her to do certain things. So, she went to class in the tiny rain boots and went to one recess (she was embarrassed and her feet hurt). The point was clearly made and after lunch we asked her Grandma to run up her shoes to finish out the rest of the day. She put on her shoes and was extremely thankful and she has not forgotten her shoes since!
This is a small example of the concept that Tim is talking about. Too often as parents we rescue our kids. It is healthy for students to work through adversity in an environment that loves and cares for them. We (myself included) often don't want our kids to be embarrassed, struggle, feel that they are not being supported, or we are afraid of what other parents will think of us, etc and that is why we rescue them. We have to take our parent goggles off and look 5, 10, 15, 20 years ahead for our students and make teachable moments for them now that will impact how they handle the hardships of adulthood in the future. The future of this community depends on these students to work through hard things!
I hope that these thoughts from Tim Elmore can help as we navigate through parenting together!
Lead NWA well this week!
- Dr. Keith McDaniel
