Week 0: SHOW ME YOUR DICK

SERIOUSLY

Out with the old, in with the lackwits

Ahhhh tis that time of the year again: the Late Night franchise re-emerges from the depths of the Laurentian Abyss, joins with the Allspark, and reactivates so many of the hurtful put-downs we've grown to love. Enemies become phrenz, phrenz become enemies, and Saksen pops in another Canassa. No one is richer for the experience.


As the reigning Tier II Commissioner and Gatekeeper to the Otherworld, I have a lot on my fantasy agenda so let's get right to it.


Order of business as 2013 Tier II Commissioner:



  1. LEGALIZE PENIS FARTS
  2. Achieve lineup nirvana and fanangle a way to banish ughDan back under the Late Night bridge where he belongs. He's suuuuch a troll omg.


Thanks to DLE bowing out of relegation, we were granted three open spots for Tier II.



Let's introduce the newcomers:

Austin Hsueh

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Austin was sent from Tier I to bring a very special Taste of the Orient. Austin is well-known for blacking out in the middle of the day and completely disregarding his lineup for days on end, but I'll let that be the only trade secret I divulge. Look for some mild mismanagement, some epic boner maneuvers, and a whole lot of hilarious messageboard comments made under his breath.


Spencer Mountain

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When Spencer isn't racially profiling minorities on the streets of Alameda, he's busy eating McDonalds - good lord I've never seen someone come down on a Big Mac so hard. He looked like Pete at Berkeley Steamworks. Spencer does bring much fantasy football acumen to the mix, so we'll have to watch out for his fantasy nightstick. And penis (just in case).


Jessica Saksen

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Ugh. First we let em vote, then we let em drive, what's next, we let them read books???? As if there wasn't enough estrogen pumping through the Tier II lifeblood last year with Lacey, we get the privilege of listening to The Portugese Penis Strangler herself ramble on about vet school or whatever. Here's how I see this going for Jess: she wins a few games right off the bat, then finals come around. She gets overloaded with school and ffb and cooking Mike's bagel bites, and then makes that fatal error we all know is coming....she hands Mission Control over to Mike. Ohhhh mama I can't wait for that. Is there a Tier 3 yet? Look for Jess to synchronize her menstrual cycle with Lacey, clog the plumbing, and attract all the bears.


The returners aren't that exciting except for me, but I might as well give a brief synopsis for those who don't know each other:



Ged

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Come one, come all, see the amazing Tier II Commissioner bungle another season!!


Greg Hinton

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Tons o' Fun Hinton is here for one reason and one reason only - safety. He's gonna keep us safe, the safest we've ever been. And then he's gonna butt-caper us with Russell Wilson or something. Beware the cheese, because Greg is a competitor. Last year's woes could surely be blamed on his broken spirit and crushed soul. He was a divorced man, and may very well blossom into an Adonis this year. Either way, you can bet your sweet ass he's gonna get Greek underground, gay porn hard come Sunday.


Steve Mosunic

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Steve is following up a somewhat disappointing year with so far yet another disappointing year - he didn't do the Draft Challenge (BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!). It's okay though, as long as you make up for it with cheeky memes.


Zack Fuller

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Denver's favorite M4M escort is perked and enthused to make it to the "Big Leagues," and won't let something like a "condom" get in his way. Zack brought a lot of focus and a lot of energy to the Draft Challenge, and I swear he almost swallowed that Big Mac whole. To be honest, I kinda got a chubby watching it.


Shane Nelson

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Omg for the last time not Mike's ex girlfriend. Shane probably stopped reading by now because this Dish is too risque for his Mormon values. Shane was a big-time trooper for doing the Draft Challenge in a state that still enforces Prohibition. He even finished with a respectable time. He used his #3 draft pick to make some seemingly questionable moves, but hey what the fuck do I know I'm just a hockey player.


Omar Cabrera

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Omar's specialty is flying under the radar. No one will ever know his intentions; he's Black Ops.


Kyle Leto

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And I've saved the best for last ;D Mr. Jazzercize himself will look to rebound from a truly horrid fantasy football year, and put his prize money where his mouth is when it comes to ffb prowess. Kyle did not do the Draft Challenge either, and for those of us who are familiar with his consumption style, that's a good thing (see: three 40s in 30 minutes in undergrad). Basically, Kyle would likely have AP right now if it weren't for those pesky aerobics classes or whatever.


Week 1 Predictions

This is gonna be quick

Manginas got Sanduskied: My team is clearly full of late bloomers, and I don't like my odds this week. If it makes anyone feel better I have the lowest projected score this week. Oh and way to play Julius Thomas Zack you seksi lil newb lololololololololololololololol Jerry 130, Early 119


Vaginal Kibbles: I think Spencer actually has a slight edge here, but then AP blows out both his knees. Yea I said it. Also fuck Peyton Manning. Vick 138, Hubris 124


Pokomon Queso: Austin's drunken master tactics will serve him well in Week 1, plus I know how Greg hates it when I pick him to win. Gotta catch em all! Chin 140, Tatas 119


Schme's Eskimos: I'm strictly going off projections for this one, sorry Kyle. Schme's 144, Brothers 128


Don't Juggernaut: I'll give the underdog win to Omar here. Hate 128, Juggz 126





AND SO IT BEGINS YOU FUCKING STUPID PUNK BITCHEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.





Love,

G<3d