Love Advice for Desperate Mortals

From LLD Rainbow Turtle

Dear Dr. Rainbow Turtle,

I have read your column for years, but I never thought I would be writing to you. I've tried going to meetings of "Women who love too much" but I'm still hurting, so I thought maybe you could help me. My problem is that the guy I love doesn't want to be in the same room with me, and he loves my best friend, instead. My best friend is marrying someone else, but now her creepy fiance is suddenly stalking me claiming he loves me!! I used to want my best friend's looks and qualities in hope the man I love will love me instead of her, but I have her boyfriend, not her looks!! All I want is the man I will always love... and for my friend's lover to get out of my hair!


The Desperate Love-Deprived Blueberry Pie

LLD Rainbow Turtle Love Column Reply to the Desperate Love-Deprived Blueberry Pie

Dear Desperate Love-Deprived Blueberry Pie,

As a Licensed Love Doctor, (LLD), I advise you to develop amnesia. You will be forever brainwashed of your current knight in shining armor. Therefore, you will never spend another day chasing after a Hateful Houdini, and will have no idea who he is. You will no longer be deprived of love and attention you deserve from this twisted manner-less dope. The positives: You will no longer suffer from lack of proper treatment. The Negatives: The man won't be the only thing you won't remember.

My second offer of professional advice: come to my special Love Classes! Every day for three hours, you get to socialize with attractive charming men from all over Athens! The whole point of these free classes is to help you find your perfect match. To find a better replacement for the rascal you currently love. The positives: You may find a perfect replacement and forget all about the man you used to chase after. The Negatives: The man you chose might be liked by someone else; result: Cat-fight!

The third and final piece of advice I humbly offer you: get rid of your best friend. A last resort, as it may be tricky and heartbreaking. Come by my office and pick up a few potions I conjure up for unfortunates like you, and we will get rid of her together, painlessly on her part. As for your creepy stalker, we'll just get rid of him, too. The positives: The creepy stalker will be gone, and the man you love will turn to you instead of your friend. The negatives: The man you love might find out it was you who got rid of her.

I hope you get back to me soon, and think about my useful advice. A few words describing my advice from anonymous Athenians: 'Helpful', 'perfect', 'works like a charm'. Oh, and one more thing; self love is the only love that matters.


Rainbow Turtle, LLD