Assyria: Killers of Mesopotamia

The Assyrians are Coming

How to deal with the prisoners and criminals

New Torture Methods

Our war leaders have come up with new torture methods to use on our prisoners of war, thieves, and kings of other city-states. Here are a few of the best ones.

Chain through the jaw

Hook through your chin and out of your mouth

Hang prisoners in a cage in the city square and throw weapons at them

Have an elephant sit on the prisoners until they die




Entertainment

Books, Books, Books

Our new library, made by King Ashurbanipal, has let people read famous texts, such as The Epic of Gilgamesh and other tales. If anyone tries to steal a book, their eyes and hands will be cut off, so they will never be able to read or write again. King Ashurbanipal ail be making a guest appearance at the library to read us a passage from the Epic of Gilgamesh. One shekel for a standing spot, two shekels for a seat, and three shekels for a seat with a cushion.


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Assyrian Art

Our art depicts amazing war scenes. The artists use brushes that have hand picked hair from dead tigers (that Ashurbanipal has killed, of course). If the artist messes up a painting, they are whipped 10 times in the back. Paintings of King Ashurbanipal, war, killing, prisoners, torture, lions, and bread are sold at many markets and by merchants.


The Art of War - Assyrian Style

Vehicles in War

To fight battles, we build chariots and other vehicles that soldiers can shoot arrows from and stab people with that are pulled by the strongest horses in the palace. A new invention, the Vehicle of Terror, has blades and spears on all four sides. The cart is rode straight into the the enemy forces, chopping them in half as it speeds along. There is a covering on the cart, so if arrows are fired at the soldiers, they can be protected. The five horses pulling the cart also have blades protruding from the saddles. If the army had five of the contraptions in a battle, we would be able to win the battle and turn the sides of a war into our favor.


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Soldiers Wanted

Attention strong males who want to get paid and fight for their city state. You must have some training or knowledge about fighting or war. Sign ups are at the ziggurat. Spots available are foot soldiers, chariot drivers, arrow shooters, spear throwers, horse riders. If you do not want to fight but want to contribute to the army, sign ups for builders of weapons and vehicles are also at the ziggurat. Any and all help is appreciated.


Warning:

If you take this as a joke or sign up but don't join the army or builders afterwards, you will be thrown into a pit of snakes. The Snake God will have your fate from there on.

Great King Ashurbanipal

Hail King

King Ashurbanipal has made a new law. Everyone shall worship him at least three times a day (at breakfast, lunch, and dinner) or else you will be made a slave of is for a week. If you are already a slave, you will receive 15 blows from a whip on the stomach if you don't honor him. Soldiers will be making hourly trips around the city state and homes to see if you comply with these laws.

A Letter From the King

Dear my fellow subjects,


I have an wonderful message to all. I have just defeated Babylon's forces who were planning a sneak attack on the edge of the forest surrounding the countryside. The prisoners of war will be made slaves or brutally killed by being thrown into a starving lion's den. There will be a great banquet tonight at the palace where the finest food of all of Mesopotamia will be served. Invitations are being sent out to hand picked guests at this moment. (Don't forget to pray to me) To people not joining me, I hope you have a great night of partying and fun!

Upgrade Palace - Level 2

New attributes are going to be added to the palace. The city-state's finest builders are going to build a new three more floors to the palace. It will contain 15 statues of King Ashurbanipal, weapons embedded in gold blocks, a two beds with gold and silver lined blankets and pillows made out of feathers from the softest pillows in the land. A kitchen with the finest pottery, a room filled with shelves of books from ceiling to floor, and an amazing amount of art hung on the walls, depicting King Ashurbanipal's greatest feats.
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Fun

Assyrian Stand Up Comedy

People in Assyria have a wonderful sense of humor. One rising comedian, Kobstone Rabaks, has some amusing comics to tell us. Here are some of his jokes


1.What did the Babylonian say to the Assyrian? Nothing, the Assyrian killed him before he could say anything.


2. To Chaldean - Knock, Knock. Who is there? Assyrian. Assyrian Who? Assyrian (I-see-you-in) a pit of lions.


3. To Chaldeans - Yo King so ugly that he scared away the Lamassu. (Assyrian Statue in front of city walls.





Assyrian Games

Assyria has a lot of fun games for the people to play. Some of these include Arrow Roulette (with prisoners). A soldier shoots an arrow into the air i the middle of a group of prisoners. The last person to stay still wins a good meal for a day. The rest of the prisoners are given extra hard labor. Another game is Knife Party. This is a new party game that everyone in Assyria should play. People throw knifes at objects during a party with the lights off and see who knocks down or destroys the most objects. The more destruction, the greater score you have. After everyone goes 10 turns, the winner receives a knife of his/her choice that was used in the game. More fun games are getting invented as we write. We can't wait for the new, exciting activities.


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