Counselor's Bulletin
November 2019
Social/Emotional Focus
Coping with Grief
This past week, the Groth family and Boone Central experienced a tremendous loss in the deaths of Mrs. Groth and Brooke Groth. As Mrs. Groth and Booke touched the lives of so many, their absence is significant. The support of so many toward the Groth family and the school reminds me why I live in a small town. I am also reminded that we cannot do this alone. Understandably, parents and teachers are concerned over the well-being of the students at BCHS.
We have had conversations with students about the wide range of emotions that they might be feeling and understanding that everyone's journey is a personal journey. We might not have any idea as to the emotions someone else is feeling and we need to interact with understanding, compassion and love instead of judgement and criticism.
Learning about grief and knowing how to navigate through the tough feelings is critical in the tough journey toward healing. The following are two articles that can help parents and students begin to process grief.
If you have concerns about your child, please reach out to us and we will do what we can to support your child.
Helping Your Teenager Deal With Grief
Source: Adapted from www.whatsyourgrief.com
It’s difficult to sum up how to support a child or teenager without being overly general because, just like big wrinkly humans, they are complicated individuals who think, feel, act, and react to life in their own unique ways.
An adolescent’s grief can be impacted by any number of things including, their unique relationship with the individual, how the individual died, their support system, past experiences with death, and their own unique strengths and weaknesses when it comes to dealing with stress, adversity, and high emotion. Grownups seeking to support an adolescent should try to remember that a wide range of responses are considered ‘normal’ and there’s no one formula for providing support.
Fortunately, conventional wisdom says the best way to support a grieving adolescent is to ‘companion’ them, which is just a fancy way of saying be there for them. You can ‘companion’ a teen by supporting them, talking openly and honestly, listening, allowing them to grieve how they want, and allowing them to decide how they will cope (with the exception of self-destructive behaviors).
We advise for children of any age you do the following:
Acknowledge their presence, their importance, their opinions, thoughts, and feelings.
Be patient and open-minded. Allow them to grieve in their own way.
Be available – Sit with them, listen to them, and answer their questions.
Let them know that a range of different emotions is normal.
Validate their feelings and do not minimize them.
Check in with other adults involved in their life – teachers, school counselors, coaches.
Find age-appropriate resources. Check out our favorite resources for supporting teens and young adults over here.
It’s important to emphasize the above because at the end of the day our best advice will always be to walk with the adolescent through their grief while still honoring adult-ly responsibilities like drawing limits, providing guidance, and setting a good example.
When supporting an adolescent one should remember the following:
This may be their first experience with death:
For many children, this is their first experience with death. For significant relationships, children may come to define their lives in terms of ‘before’ the death and ‘after’ the death. After a death, adolescents may experience the following for the first time:
Emotions: For adolescents who have little experience with trauma, death, pain, or stress, this will be the first time they experience the overwhelming emotions related to grief. This can be frightening and many don’t have the self-awareness to know what types of coping strategies will help. More on emotions later.
Tip: Normalize the range of emotions grievers are apt to experience. Prepare them for shifts in emotion and give them permission to laugh and feel happy when they feel like it. Help them brainstorm coping strategies based on their personality and strengths. Offer options such as counseling, journaling, and workbooks, but don’t push.
Questions about life’s meaning: Not all teens are ready to ponder life’s complex existential questions, but they are certainly old enough to contemplate ‘why’s and ‘what for’s in the face of a death. This may be the first time their worldview, religious views, or sense of immortality has been challenged.
Tip: Allow for open dialogue about a life’s philosophical, theological, and logistical questions. Don’t minimize their questions and help them find their own answers. Support them in talking to religious leaders if appropriate. Try and remember that while you’ve had years to ponder the meaning of life and death, these are questions they are only just beginning to ask.
Teens are dependent:
Most teens are dependent on adults and/or their family members for one thing or another. A death can cause anxiety and worry for teens.
Adult emotional instability: Following death, teens may witness the adults in charge really struggle.
Tip: It’s okay to grieve and show emotion in front of an adolescent, this normalizes feelings and sets a good example for expressing oneself. But be self-aware, if your emotion is extreme it could cause anxiety for the adolescent and/or put them in the position of having to support you. If you feel yourself losing control, it’s time to look at your own coping.
They have their whole lives ahead of them:
Which means they have a life full of milestones and rituals like graduations, learning to drive, birthdays, and first jobs; and they likely imagined their loved one would be a part of these. It’s common for children to grieve these future rites of passage and then feel the loss all over again when they occur.
Tip: When these events roll around, acknowledge the impact of the deceased person’s absence. Let the teen know it’s okay to feel sadness even though it’s also a happy day. Discuss and encourage creative ways to incorporate your loved one’s memory in the day/event while still celebrating the significant event.
They may mask emotion or emotional expressions may look different:
Teens experience and express emotions differently than adults. Again, duh. Your teen’s emotional expressions may surprise you, they may seem over dramatic or conversely they may seem repressed. Where emotions are concerned teens:
May be embarrassed about their feelings: Often, adolescents want to fit in and go unnoticed. ‘Grieving’ may differentiate them in a way they’re not comfortable with. Younger teens especially (12-14) tend to feel there is something of an imaginary audience watching what they do; for this reason, they may be cautious about how and when they express emotions. Teens, just like adults, may choose to grieve privately and may downplay their grief in the presence of others.
Tip: Allow the teen to express their emotions when and how they like. Don’t make them feel guilty for acting as though nothing is wrong, this doesn’t mean they don’t care. If they’re open to your assistance, help them find ways to grieve they’re comfortable with. Some adolescents may find comfort in the privacy of a journal, book, or a one-on-one grief counselor. As always, be patient and follow their lead.
Expression of emotion may seem volatile: Adolescents can shift moods pretty rapidly; one minute they’re happy and the next minute they’re distressed. To some degree, these shifts in mood are due to increased hormones and their developing brains and bodies; but the extreme emotions of grief can have the mood-swing-effect on teens and adults alike. You may find yourself scratching your head wondering what made them so upset, but they may not even be able to identify the trigger (just like adults).
Tip: Try to put their emotional expression into context. Understand the wide range of emotions associated with grief and anticipate teens may be more likely to express emotions like anger than sadness. Try to be open, accepting, and validating of their emotions and make sure they know you’re available to talk. Seek outside help if you’re worried they’ve been distressed, withdrawn, depressed, or destructive for a prolonged period of time. Check out our post on normal vs not so normal grief.
May seem self-focused: Adolescents, in general, can be very self-focused. Younger teens especially (12-14) have a hard time taking other’s perspectives into account. This is a skill that has to be learned as their brain develops and so they often come off looking self-centered and lacking in empathy. It follows that younger teens will have difficulty understanding other’s grief reactions when they are different from their own.
Tip: Be patient.
Teens are invincible superheroes (in their mind) i.e. impulsive crazy people:
Generally speaking, teens are far more impulsive and willing to take risks than their adult handlers. Younger to middle teens are especially apt to feel invincible and immortal. Both teens and adults employ destructive coping mechanisms like alcohol, substance use, sex, antisocial behavior, and withdraw, but teens are less like likely to accurately assess risk and use good judgment. Conversely, they are more likely to experiment and take perilous chances.
Tip: Sometimes when a child experiences the unthinkable pain of grief, adults feel compelled to go easy on them in ways that are overly permissible and enabling. Sometimes adults are too distracted by their own grief to notice what’s going on with their children. Don’t let this happen – don’t hesitate to ask questions and meddle when it seems necessary. Remember, as a parent, caregiver, or concerned adult it is your job to draw lines and set limits.
If you’re worried about how your child is coping, you may want to speak to their doctor, school counselor, or a child psychologist. If they ever express thoughts of harming themselves or others you should call 911, go to your local emergency room, or call a local crisis response team. In the US you can seek support 24/7 through the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.
Supporting Grieving Students: What to Say, What NOT to Say
Source: Adapted from https://blog.brookespublishing.com/supporting-grieving-students-what-to-say-what-not-to-say/
Today’s post, excerpted and adapted from The Grieving Student: A Teacher’s Guide, by David Schonfeld & Marcia Quackenbush, offers some thoughtful advice.
Feelings are complicated, and sorrow is one of the most intense and individualized. Processing grief, expressing emotions, and learning to move forward when experiencing personal loss can seem like insurmountable tasks for anyone to tackle.
Students are particularly vulnerable in these difficult situations. They might find it hard to even wrap their head around the concept of death for the first time, or struggle to communicate the intensity of their sadness, anger, fear, relief, or confusion. Grief can become an overwhelming burden that weighs on school performance, social relationships, and behavior.
Be present and authentic. Students are sensitive to dishonesty, and they can often tell if someone is not being truthful. Speak directly about your own feelings, but avoid manufacturing an emotional response. If you, too, feel distressed by the child’s loss, you might say, “I was sorry to hear about your brother’s death. I feel very sad that he died. I know you must have some feelings about this. Would you like to talk about your brother or tell me what these last few days have been like?”
Listen more, talk less. It’s fine to share personal feelings and express caring and concern, but it should be kept brief. Keep the focus on the child who is grieving and give them plenty of space and time to talk. Consider saying something like: “I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you,” or “I wonder what this is like for you,” and then offer your time and attention as a good listener.
Allow emotional expression. Young people going through grief are often told to “be strong,” “toughen up,” or cover up their feelings. A more helpful intervention is to invite them to talk about their emotions as an important part of grieving. This may mean watching someone be angry, selfish, or grief struck. You can open the door to expression by saying: “Most people have strong feelings when something like this happens in their lives. Has that been true for you?” or “I wonder what kind of feelings you’re having about this,” and allow them to feel safe and validated in whatever their response may be.
Demonstrate empathy. Reflect back what you see your child express, directly or indirectly. It should be done with compassion, sincerity, and without judgment. Offer an opportunity for them to open up by saying something like, “What have the last few days been like for you?”
Stop harmful reactions when safety is a concern. You may find that some teens react to grief with angry outbursts. Expressions such as these are natural and show a willingness to experience some of the deep feelings that accompany profound grief. You can allow grieving children to cry, shout, kick the floor, or throw down a book. However, if that behavior poses a risk to the grieving child or others, you do need to step in to help them stop.
What NOT to Say
It’s hard to know what to say, especially when emotions run high, and sometimes we all make missteps when trying to find the right words in a difficult situation. But, even if said with the best of intentions, the following examples are things you should NOT say to your grieving student:
“I know exactly what you are going through.” It is not possible to know what another individual is going through, especially in a matter as profound as the loss of a loved one. Even if you have lost family members, close friends, or a spouse, your own experience is as distinct as each individual child. Greif is a very personal journey.
“Both of my parents died when I was your age.” Avoid statements that compete with the child’s experiences of loss. Your child who had classmate or teacher die may feel their loss is not as meaningful if the focus is shifted to someone who has suffered even more. Referring to another person’s loss may make children feel their situation is not as significant.
“My 15-year-old dog died last week. I feel very sad, too.” It is impossible to compare losses, and generally not useful to attempt to do so. As much as possible, keep your focus on your child’s own unique experience and need for support.
“You’ll need to be strong now for your family/friends/class. It’s important to get a grip on your feelings.” Grieving students are often told they should not be expressive–that they need to grow up fast, keep it together for their family, manage their feelings, and not feel sorry for themselves. Don’t hold the teen back from experiencing the deep feelings they are having, as that is an essential part of coping and adjusting.
“I know this must be difficult, but it’s important to remember the good things in life as well.” Your desire to cheer up a grieving student is understandable, but it may quiet their expressions of grief. Give them permission to fully experience and express their powerful feelings, to help them process their loss.
“You must be incredibly angry.” Anger is a natural reaction in the grief process, but it is impossible to know what someone is experiencing at any given time. Avoid projecting feelings onto your child. Suggesting that they ought to feel a certain way is not helpful. Instead, validate the idea that there is no one right way to feel.
The bottom line is to lead with your heart and be genuine, but always be mindful that your words and actions can make a difference and must be chosen carefully. The most important opportunity you can offer grieving children is that of expressing their thoughts and feelings fully. When children feel safe in accepting and expressing the full range of their intense emotions, that time of grieving can ultimately become a time of personal understanding and growth. But, in the moment of dealing with that significant loss, it is truly hard work for a teenager. You can be a lifeline in their day-to-day struggle of facing and emerging from grief. Be the one who “gets it.” Be the person who offers sensitive support and guidance, who helps the child navigate this difficult time and find their own path to peace.
Academic Focus
PARENTS, LET’S TALK ABOUT MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
Source: www.bluedollarbull.com and authored by Ben
When it comes to parenting, there’s a lot to take in, consider and remember, this on top of the sleep deprivation, the draining changing and feeding, cleaning and learning, reading….and all the rest. Oh yeah, and when that’s all done, there’s ourselves to take care of too. If you’re aiming to build intergenerational wealth, there’s the added stresses and systems of that as well… So it really helps when there’s some quick, easy to recall axioms and models that we can apply to be the best parents we can be.
Enter Abraham Maslow. Maslow proposed the existence of a ‘hierarchy of needs’ in his 1943 paper, “A Theory of Human Motivation”. He detailed the stages of growth in human development, in order of importance and dominance being “Physiological”, “Saftey”, “Love/Belonging”, “Esteem”, and finally “Self-Actualization”. Today we refer to this purely as “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.”
Above is a pyramid, representing these needs. The largest, most fundamental needs are at the bottom of the pyramid, with each level above it needing attention as the former is fulfilled. For example, you aren’t worried about making friends (Love/Belonging) if your security is a risk (Safety). And you aren’t worried about getting your morning jog in (Health/Safety) if you’re starving to death (Physiological).
Naturally, isn’t strictly this simple. The human mind is a complex beast and has parallel processes running at the same time. Different motivations are more than likely to occur at the same time. One might be seeking to improve their health at the same time as building friendships for example. But the final motivation, ‘Self-Actualization’, absolutely cannot occur unless the other 4 primary motivation needs are fulfilled.
The Primary Needs
Maslow called these 4 primary needs ‘Deficiency Needs’. With the exception of Physiological (obviously little else matters if you’re suffocating), there may not be an actual physical indicator of the fulfillment of these 4 primary needs
Physiological Needs
These are the things that are required to keep a human body functioning. They are the bare minimum for survival. Without these for a certain period of time, a human body will shut down and fail. So it stands to reason that they must be taken care of first.
These needs include:
Food
Shelter
Sleep
Clothing
Air(Breathing)
Reproduction(sex)
Safety Needs
Once the basics are taken care of safety tends to dominate motivations. In the absence of a particular security, safety in that sector typically takes precedence. One example is in the case of a disaster, the desire to seek shelter is strong. Alternatively, in the case of war, the flight or fight response engages.
Also included in this echelon are things like job security, shelter, being in a safe environment and health. If one does not feel safe, they will search for a means to feel safe before any higher level of safety is sought. A lack of feeling safe can lead to high cortisol levels, which can have a big impact on health and development.
Safety needs include:
Security (Personal, Emotional, Financial
Health
Resources (Like money, or reliable access to food, water, clothing etc)
Property (Basic Personal Belongings and Space)
Love/Belonging Needs
After one feels safe and physiological needs are met, one seeks a level of interpersonal interaction and a sense of belongingness. This need is especially strong in childhood and may override the need for safety.
This explains why children from abusive households still cling to their parents. Lacking in this echelon in the hierarchy of needs can affect one’s ability to form and maintain relationships. Lacking in this echelon can also result in susceptibility to severe loneliness, social anxiety, and depression.
People need to feel a sense of belongingness be it in social groups like family, religion, circles of friends, clubs, co-workers, gangs and online groups. Humans have an innate requirement to love and be loved.
Love/Belonging Needs Include:
Family
Friendships
Connection
Intimacy
Esteem Needs
Esteem relates to gaining Status, Importance, and respect from peers. Humans have a need to feel needed and respected by those around them, a desire to feel valuable to others. This is why people engage in a profession or a productive hobby.
Low self-esteem individuals often need respect from others to bolster themselves, and typically seek fame or glory.
Maslow notes that there are two types of Esteem, ‘Lower’ and ‘Higher’. Lower esteem is the need for respect from others, like fame, status, recognition, attention etc. Higher esteem is effectively the need for self-respect, like personal strength, competence, mastery, independence, and freedom.
Esteem needs include:
Status
Recognition
Freedom
Independence
Personal Strength
Competence
Self-Esteem
Self Actualization
Once all of the 4 primary needs are met, a person can concern themselves with becoming the best that they can be. This is a motivation level that many people never reach. It is the need to reach ones’ full potential.
This manifests itself in many ways depending on an individual’s drive and innermost desires. One person may want to become the perfect parent, while another wants to become a master archer, another may want to become a high-level entrepreneur and another again may want to become a top level athlete. In short, self-actualization is the motivation to reach one’s full potential and be the best that they both desire to and can be.
How This Fits Into Parenting
Self-actualization is about becoming the best one can be. In order for us, or our children to do this, all of the other needs must be fulfilled. Thus it’s up to us as parents (or Co-Parents) to help our children along the hierarchy of needs and provide for them, as best we can, the tools, environment and opportunity to fulfill their needs. Only then can your child reach self-actualization and become the best they possibly can be.
College & Career Focus
HUGE Changes to ACT!!
Last month, ACT announced significant changes to the administration and scoring of the ACT beginning in September of 2020. We are still learning more about these changes, but the information below can help parents and students start preparing. As more information is released, I will pass it along.
Change #1 - ACT Section Retesting - Students can concentrate their efforts.
ACT Section Retesting helps students focus study efforts on individual subjects that are part of the ACT test (English, math, reading, science, or writing) without having to study for the entire test again. ACT Section Retesting is available to all students who have taken the full ACT test. Students can retake one or more single-section subject tests at approved ACT test centers across the US, to improve their scores. Learn More About Section Retesting
Change #2 - ACT Superscoring - Students can strengthen their ACT score by improving individual section scores.
To support the growing trend of students taking the ACT test multiple times, score report options will now provide the option for students to send their best ACT test results to colleges and include a calculated ACT Superscore. Superscoring allows students to submit their highest scores for college admission and scholarship purposes. The Superscore is a recalculation which shows the highest possible composite score across multiple ACT tests and ACT Section Retests. It reflects the average of the four best subject scores from each of the student's ACT test attempts. Learn More About Superscoring
Change #3 - Faster Results with Online Testing - Students will get to choose between online testing and paper testing.
Online ACT Testing will allow ACT’s testing experience to better align with how today’s students often prefer to learn and the mode they prefer for testing. Starting in September 2020, students will be able to choose to take the ACT test online or with paper. Giving students a choice allows them to focus on what’s most important: doing their best on the test. Students who take the test online will get faster test results. In fact, students will receive their multiple-choice test scores and ACT Composite score as early as two business days after the test date. This allows students to make better, more informed, and timely decisions about the schools and scholarships to which they apply. Learn More About Online Testing
The FAQ section of ACT’s website is also very helpful in understanding the changes. Click here for more information.
Dual Credit Registration
The following are classes available for dual credit:
Wayne State College
- Advanced Biology (includes a lab) - 3 credits
- American History - 3 credits
- Calculus - 5 credits
- Chemistry (includes a lab and transfers as a Physical Science course) - 3 credits
- College Algebra - 3 credits
Northeast Community College
- English 12 - 3 credits
Additionally, there are some prerequisites to be able to take the above math and English classes for college credit. If your child does not have a high enough test score, I have been in contact with them about retaking either the ACT or MAP tests to try to get the higher score. Please let me know if you have questions!
English
- 18 on the Reading and English tests of the ACT OR
- 228 on the Reading and Language Usage test of MAP
College Algebra
- 21 on the Math test of the ACT
Calculus
- 25 on the Math test of the ACT
What Should My Student Be Doing to prepare for College?
Source: EducationQuest November Bulletin
Seniors1. Complete the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA)
- Create an FSA ID for you and one for a parent at fsaid.ed.gov. You’ll need it to access and sign the FAFSA. Click here for instructions.
- Review our FAFSA Checklist for a list of items to gather before you start the form.
- Complete the FAFSA at fafsa.gov. You may also complete it via the myStudentAid app for iOS and Android.
- For free help with the FAFSA, see FAFSA Tools at EducationQuest.org or call EducationQuest to make an appointment:
- Omaha – 888.357.6300, Lincoln – 800.303.3745, Kearney – 800.666.3721
3. Retake the ACT. Colleges use your best scores for college admission and scholarships. Register for the ACT at www.actstudent.org. The deadline for the December test is Friday, November 8th. Colleges will typically take ACT scores from seniors in December and February.
4. Get serious about applying for scholarships. See ScholarshipQuest at EducationQuest.org for Nebraska-based scholarships and a list of national search sites or on the State and National tab on my website. Students also need to know the process for applying for scholarships from the college they are considering attending.
5. Finish your activities resume so you are able to give it to the individuals that will be writing letters of recommendations for you. This helps the author of your letter write more specifically about the different things you are involved in. It is to your benefit to get your resume done!
1. Schedule campus visits. Try to visit in the fall or spring of your junior year while colleges are still in session. Click here for a list of questions to ask during your visit.
2. Register to take the ACT. Boone Central offers the ACT in December, February and June. Other test dates are April and July. The deadline for the December test date is Friday, November 8th. For the national Saturday test dates, parents and/or students must register at www.actstudent.org.
All juniors will take the state ACT on Tuesday, March 24th and NDE takes care of the registration for the state ACT test on March 24th. No additional registration steps are necessary for students or parents for this test.
3. Update your activities resume so it is almost complete your senior year.
Sophomores
1. Start researching colleges. If you narrow your college choices by the end of your sophomore/junior year, your senior year will be less stressful. Here’s how to get started: Review College Profiles at EducationQuest.org for information about colleges in Nebraska and across the country. If you’re interested in an out-of-state school, check out the Midwest Student Exchange Program to learn about tuition discounts.
2. Meet with college representatives who visit your school, and then visit the websites of the colleges that interest you to learn more about the schools.
3. Schedule campus visits once you’ve narrowed your choices. Try to visit in the spring of your sophomore year or fall of your junior year while colleges are still in session. For more tips, see the Finding the Right Fit section at EducationQuest.org and click here for questions to ask on your visit.
On Thursday, November 21st the sophomores will be taking a college visit to UNL. Permission forms will be coming home next week and the cost to eat lunch is $
4. Update your activities resume with your 10th grade activities.
Freshmen
1. Start researching colleges. If you narrow your college choices by the end of your sophomore/junior year, your senior year will be less stressful. Here’s how to get started: Review College Profiles at EducationQuest.org for information about colleges in Nebraska and across the country.
On Tuesday, November 26th, freshmen will be taking a college visit to UNK and CCC in Grand Island. Cost for lunch is $7.00 and permission forms will go home next week with additional details.
2. Start your activities resume. Check Google Classroom for a sample resume and start recording your activities, community service and work experience now. It will save you time later on!
About Mrs. Webster
Email: lwebster@boonecentral.esu7.org
Website: http://www.boonecentral.org
Location: 605 South 6th Street, Albion, NE, USA
Phone: (402) 395-2134
Twitter: @LWebsterBCHS