WEEK 10 DI$H

Cummin straaaaiiiight atcha

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR

It's always an emotional time of year, sure there's a bunch of holiday/family bullshit upcoming, but more importantly the cream is rising in fantasy football. Many of you are filled with depression and apathy as you realize the playoffs are an unattainable dream. You don't even bother responding to texts, emails or di$hes as a dark cloud falls around you. Jon, your friends are here, and we still love you. Despite the putrid decaying flesh that makes up your roster. I wanted to propose a trade to you this week since I've profited so handsomely in the past (praise be AP, the light and the truth), but there's literally no one on your roster I want.

Others of you are clinging to the fading light falling through the doorway to the promised land. Flirting with .500 you fill yourselves up with the possibility of running the table and squeaking into the 4th spot, despite having fewer points than the 5 other teams in the same boat. This manager is like a slow child, full of enthusiasm and genuine belief that they're one trade away from greatness. Like a slow child, they're naivety blinds them from the awful truth, they lack the intelligence to improve their team, and they don't have the clarity to see their effort is futile. And they're Matt Brown. But keep trading me Matt :-*

Still others have hung up the wizard sleeves and traderape roofies, giving up their season for the comfort of a big easy chair to watch games without the stress of stattracking. These people are usually suicidal. They also won't last in Late Night.

My favorite group are the leaders - comfortable and relaxed with 8+ wins knowing that no team with 8 wins has ever missed playoffs. Now is the time to sit on the throne and watch the plebians come calling with their trade offers. Just like Joey at a strip club, they select the one that looks the most desperate, ignore for a while, then penetrate.

Congrats are in order for J22 as the first manager to pop the champagne as that little star appears next to his name. Charlie and JC are all but guaranteed at this point.

PEWP UPDATES

These are also my playoff predictions. Don't like them? Be better.

In an interesting twist of fate, Jonny Boy has moved way up the pewp shewt. His next four opponents are a combined FOURTEEN games under .500. Dan's opponents are a combined 12 games OVER .500.

I'm just gonna give it to you raw this week (you know you like it), if you want to know the meanings look them up yourself you jackanapes.

There probably should be more weight on current record and less on future ASS, maybe I'll play with it next week.

1) KKKooper
FAP 4.5
WiLD 8
ASS -6
Points 1534
PEWP 32.84

2) Fuck You Reggie Bush
FAP 5.5
WiLD -2
ASS -14
Points 1263
PEWP 25.13

3) TouchDown Syndrome
FAP 3.75
WiLD 6
ASS 2
Points 1460
PEWP 20.85

4) Jerrud Catfish
FAP 3.5
WiLD 6
ASS 8
Points 1468
PEWP 15.18

5) Jiz Finleys
FAP 6.25
WiLD 0
ASS -2
Points 1306
PEWP 8.81

6) Hurricane Ditka
FAP 5.75
WiLD -4
ASS -6
Points 1464
PEWP 7.14

7) Red Headed Burst

FAP 4.5
WiLD -2
ASS 4
Points 1338
PEWP 0.88

8) K4t80i
FAP 6.25
WiLD -4
ASS 2
Points 1203
PEWP -4.22

9) DirtyCobbSalad
FAP 9.75
WiLD -6
ASS 0
Points 1217
PEWP -9.58

10) Ugh
FAP 9.75
WiLD -2
ASS 12
Points 1282
PEWP -12.93

What a treat that would be, having the relegates spend only one year getting their licks in the big boy club.

I still think Matt's doomed but the numbers never lie, except sometimes.

If you're below .500, read this

Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true. (Demosthenes; circa 385-322 BC)

Be better. (Dr. Commish, all season long)

Faces in the Crowd

BRENDAN THOMAS: Tavon Austin is the inaugural recipient of the Brendan Thomas award for using both length and width to explode the Dirk Diggler AND Wild Card awards with 39 multipurpose points and 3 touchdowns. Good job dropping him Pete, stupid jew.

ANTI-NIRVANA: Looks like we're talking about how stupid Pete is again after benching Boykins 11 in favor of Marvin "one hit wonder" Jones who sported a solid zero point day. This was the death knell for Pete as he lost one of our embarrassing matchups

PERFECTION: If you were a better manager you could have gotten 339 this week.
qbs Brees 39 RGIII 27
wrs Austin 39 Demaryius 28 Marshall 25 Rishard Mathews 24
rbs Thomas (thanks matt)22 Ingram/Lynch 21
te Thomas/Carlson 15
flex wr Riley Kooper 22 rb AP 19 (thanks Jon) te Thomas/Carlson 15
dst StL 37
K Huaschka 19

Matchups

I'm realizing this di$h is long as balls so I'm going to do some word-association instead of matchups.

Joey Chokes a friend 166-89: Power vein. Bottom found / Pathetic. Embarassing. Fall from grace. Suicide?

Slaps are cool too, Dr. Commish 166-109. Taking what's mine. Slapsgiving. Trade=good. EFFORTLESSSSSSS / Futile. lol@WR. Cooper?! Relegation.

Capers Continue for Laceface 137-109. Vulnerable. Crapernick. Playoff rival / Unlucky. Pity. Cryface. Gods. COURSE. Relegation.

Oren wins Jerusalem 123-114. Fortunate. Hurting. Topheavy. Clinging / Gods. Rosterbate. Boykin. Fads. Conso.

Matt beats Greg 108-96. Embarassing. Savior.

Pozishunzz

This week's positional scoring brought to you by titty fucking, To completion.

QB
1) Jiz 449 2) HD 423 3) FYRB 393 4) KKK 359 5) TDS 328 6) Red 321 7) JC 308 8) K4t 284 9) DCS 283 10) Ugh 268

WR
1) JC 441 2) KKK 414 3) RED 400 4) TDS 389 5) DCS 370 6) Jiz 302 7) Ugh 300 8) cat 299 9) HD 296 10) Bush 226

RB
1) TDS 374 2) jc 343 3) ugh 342 4) HD 328 5) kkk 273 6) cat 244 7) Red 233 8) bush 229 9) Jiz 216 10) DCS 207

TE
1) fyrb 154 2) red 113 3) kat 98 4) JC 90 5) tds 86 6) dcs 73 7) kkk 72 8) hd 64 9) jiz 44 10) Ugh 39

Life as a Commish

First of all: yeah. It's good.

Today I had my first bewildered text from Ged asking if I was used to dealing with managers' long-winded questions and complaints. Obvi I am very used to these texts/emails/calls, usually surrounding trades. My advice? Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
This week the volley of complaints reached an epic crescendo as the trade deadline nears and trade talks heat up. Without using real names I'm going to paint a picture for you that has been painted for me a million times every season.

One manager, let's call him d00sh, is very upset because another manager, let's call him turdsandwich, has been dangling trades for a week then failing to pull the trigger despite reaching verbal agreements. turdsandwich has been the aggressor in talks, saying things like "I want to move Fartie McBoogerpants" then refusing to move him for any price. d00sh is appalled that turdsandwich would try to trade an injured player hoping he wouldn't notice. Pretty much everyone can raise their hand and identify with d00sh, as every league has a turdsandwich. Late Night's turdsandwich has angered a lot of d00shes through the years, which is why this week's complaints were so hilarious.

This week I got a frantic call from turdsandwich detailing the awful treatment he received at the hands of d00sh, which was surprising enough as it was. After I listened to his harrowing tale, I sat dumbfounded not only by how little d00sh had done shady, but how often turdsandwich had done those same things. Long story short - d00sh offered a trade and didn't hear back for a while. When there was an injury report out for the player (insignificant injury) d00sh re-sent a trade request maybe hoping turdsandwich wouldn't notice. That was it.

So to turdsandwich I say this - you medicine, it tastes bad. And to all of you - all's fair in love and fantasy football. Commence the traderaping. And stop crying.

ADVENTURES IN MATCH.COM

Cross-di$h ghost-written by Dan Mcmenabitch, by request of the Commish on high.

If Saksen had been at my housewarming party, I would have gotten slapped and humiliated in front of family and co-workers.
That scenario is 10 times preferable to the nightmare visited upon our residence by one Peter Shenkin, hungover houseguest from hell.
I got an inkling we were in for something special when he wasn't answering any shit-talking fantasy texts and it was well past noon, meaning he surely stayed up drinking til dawn.
Sure enough, Pete finally shows up two hours late to our party and looks like Satan's asshole and is followed by Ged, who looked only marginally better than he did when he got blackout drunk and punched in the face during Fleet Week in SF.
Rebekah said they didn't even really say hi to her or introduce themselves to anyone else at the party, just proceeded in a beeline to some chairs in the backyard where Matt and Brit were.
Matt and I were discussing the white power connection between Nick Foles and Racist Riley Cooper and that Michael Vick had probably iced him out, recalling his derelict brother Marcus talking some shit on Twitter when that all went down at the start of the year.
I of course then took that opportunity to compare Pete to Marcus Vick, which he didn't take kindly to.
Pete then proceeded to regale partygoers with the tale of me shooing a guy away who was trying to sell us something outside the Coliseum after Pete got us kicked out of an A's game for bringing bottles of beow in.
That relatively harmless interaction has gotten so exaggerated in Pete's twisted mind that he basically tells people I knifed a drifter and stood over him just to watch him die, then said "Beat it hobo."
I say "Pete that wasn't what happened" and try to send darts through my eyes at him, but he was obviously oblivious in his hungover daze and kept on going, dropping f-bomb this, f-bomb that.
I was doing that because who was behind me listening the entire time? Oh, just my boss Melissa, who said, in total seriousness, "Dan, where's your humanity?"
:(
Matt thankfully changed the subject eventually...Pete, when you make Matt Brown look like a model houseguest, you need to reassess some things.
Then we learn Ged needs to catch a train back to Davis, and Pete was apparently unaware that Concord and Richmond were not on the same BART line. It's cool, it isn't like you grew up here or anything.
So Pete had to drive Ged to Martinez, and they both peaced out like an hour after arriving.
Pete had said he was coming back, and had driven out instead of BARTed in the first place because he was buying our old microwave for his hobo den in Oakland, but then ghosted on us and went straight home from the train station, presumably to write some hot verses for a poetry slam no one will ever attend.
The moral of the story? Don't invite Pete anywhere ever.

The End.

Criticism for Dan

1) You know who Pete Shenkin is

2) You invited your boss around Pete Shenkin, Matt Brown and alcohol - you got off light

3) Your boss is a woman

Predixxxxxx

Oh Captain my Captain 130-124: This one will be a lot closer than expected. Joey's WRs will have slow days with bad matchups and/or bad QBs. I expected to write about how little chance Matt stands but maybe not.

Streak. Ends. Chuckie 161-150: I can't believe I'm picking that turd sandwich to win the preamble to our likely playoff matchup, but Crapernick will finally have to throw against NO and I have some awful matchups. Can AP overcome the seattle D in Sea? Doubt it. I'll get slaughtered at WR. Fuck.

Desperation - a stinky cologne. Oren 148-138: In an incredibly important matchup for both squads I think Oren comes through. Something tells me his team is about to get significantly better ;) Bowe looks like he will continue to suck through his arrest so there's that.

Reggie Bush Fucks Fuck You Reggie Bush: Pete wins big 160-104: Bush goes for 25, you heard it here first. Yahoo thinks Cecil Shorts will have 10 points lol. I think a defense will catch on that if Jimmy Graham is in for 10 plays, he will see the ball on 10 plays and adjust accordingly.

Tossup: Greg and Lacey get tied up (again) 120-120. Much like the god-forsaken country he's in, Greg's lineup will be forgotten and crumbling this week. Lacey may just watch RGIII carry her to victory. She's not gonna start Brady against Carolina right?!