BREAKING NEWS

America sends a breakup letter to Britain

Thomas Jefferson composes the "greatest breakup letter of all time"

America is sick of Britain's control, so Thomas Jefferson stepped up to the plate, offering to write the most important breakup in American history. (Yes, he does outdo Taylor Swift) In the first part of his famous breakup, the preamble, he says "I'm breaking up with you, you treat me badly." If this was a tweet, we are sure there would be a frowny face and a couple of unhappy hash-tags.

We want an explanation!

Jefferson goes on to explain why he thinks we and Britain should be apart. America lashes out to the dominant Britain, saying things like "You can't control me. I'm going to live my own life and pursue happiness" and "I didn't choose for you to control me." Jefferson also writes sort of a warning to other countries, saying "If you treat me unfavorably, I will dump you and find someone who makes me happier." He then goes on to tell of how Britain is being abusive and making up rules as they go along.

the hard facts

Jefferson backs up his accusations by listing all the facts. Several lines are taken up by variations of "you never include me and expect me to do everything for you" and "you bully other people into doing your dirty work and only have friends who are just as jerk-ish as you are"

the big finish

Jefferson finishes by showing our innocence. He explains how we tried everything to calm the relationship and fix it, and how we only got more serious about it because Britain wouldn't listen. He also points out how we didn't want to draw attention to our problem, but Britain made it into a big deal, and now everyone knows. The last lines of his letter summed up in two words? We're through.