Week 24: Second chances

Whores don't get them

It's already here - my favorite time of the year to write dishes - when all my plans and careful tinkering result in a catastrophic fantasy collapse of Brownian proportions. Many of you wrote off Hot Ice weeks (Brown, Charlie), and even months (Chris, Ryan) ago, but fear not - after this week we can all look forward to non-fantasy playoff hockey when the Sharks embarrass the Queens in the playoffs, and then the Red Wings in the Finals ;)

Jk, the Red Wings won't even make the playoffs ;p

Lines of the Night

Monday: Hot Ice Beast: 1g, 3a, -1, 2pim, 2ppp, 12sog, 10fw, 9hit

Tuesday: NeonDion PewpMachine: 5g, 3a, +2, 30pim, 2ppp, 31sog, 25fw, 11hit, 5blk, 3.34gaa, 42sv, .894sv%

Wednesday: NeonDion PewpMachine: 1g, 3a, +3, 21sog, 34fw, 7hit, 1blk

Thursday: SHARPNADO: 1g, 5a, -4, 2pim, 1ppp, 21sog, 39fw, 24hit, 9blk, 2.53gaa, 34sv, .872sv%

Friday: Hot Ice Beast: 6g, 9a, +11, 26pim, 19sog, 32fw, 16hit, 4blk

Saturday: Hot Ice Beast: 6g, 3a, +8, 4pim, 27sog, 40fw, 11hit, 9blk, 2.00gaa, 46sv, .920sv%

Sunday: Hot Ice Beast: 1g, 1a, -2, 2ppp, 11sog, 14fw, 6hit, 7blk

Week 24 Matchups

Is it that time of April again already?? (NeonDion 8, ELBOWS 4):

The death knell officially sounded Sunday evening when Toews, my Golden Elbow, got bat-dadded by Orpik. That, my friends, is how I roll. With my roster decidedly thrown out of whack, I couldn't quite compete in several categories, including G, A, PPP, and especially face offs. I tried to cobble together a presentable roster, but Pete simply overpowered the counting categories. My 23 goal, 21 assist week was only meant for ghost opponents, to show that I'm obvi always flexing. My players clearly needed a rest from being awesome.

Anyway, starting Monday it was clear that Pete was up to no good, and started makin' trouble in my neighborhood. Phaneuf got in one little fight and my team got scared, and said "we're moving to the 3rd place game with Austin, also fuck you". My idiot players apparently didn't want to produce, so I got in my dinghy and paddled down the streams out to Lake Hatton. It was there that I found myself on the wrong end of the fishing pole for not one, but two shutout games. This doesn't include my Anderson add, which did seem to work out....until he let in 7 goals. Real cool.


Hartnell - 0pim

Simmonds - 0pim

Couture - 1 goal

Fish-faced Taylor fucking Hall decided to explode with 2g, 7a, and hey look, it's Dan Boyle - he came out of his 30 game scoreless cave to score on the Elbows. Good for him..good for him.

Well, whatever the fuck ever. Pete has won the battle, and shown that this time... bush > box. But the war is not over....and I will never EVAR stop. I will now banish myself to the 3rd place game, and let Pete do his thing against the up and coming Saksimal. I'll come back for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Ender to Austin: "You are a bomb." (Beast 9, NADOs 3):

The matchup between former Late Night ffb foes was as thin as the nipple milk that flows from Pete's tits - which is actually pretty thick*. Saksen started SPREADIN IT ONNN once the weekend rolled around, with Hornqvist (course) and Pacioretty leading the slaps brigade. Mike also benefitted from a 24-minute Chris Neil temper tantrum on Friday to kick start his pussy poppin' weekend - classic Shenkin.

Ben Bishop was the undoing of Austin's goalie stats on Saturday, as it gave Saksen the GAA and SV% edge. Why Austin would choose Bishop vs the Stars over Schneider vs pretty much anyone (?) is anyone's guess. All I know is that the Stars have a tendency to light goalies the fuck up. Especially big dumb ones like Bishop.

I don't know what stupid ass Bloomberg app** was telling Mike to roster Roman Josi and Patric Hornqvist for more than three days, but good for him for having the balls to keep them. And of course they're the ones that light up the Sharks.

Saksen can now indulge in the Pete Shenkin Experience for a week. I hope you like memes Mike.

Week 24 Awards

Golden Boner: Hot Ice Beast

Waiver Wire Wizard: Hot Ice Beast, NeonDion PewpMachine

Waiver Wire Troll: THAT IS NOT AN ELBOW

Desk Pop: Hot Ice Beast

Champ33nship Predictions

Beast Pewp

I really don't care which of your names ends up going on the trophy; what I'm more interested in is that one of you will be bridesmaid....AGAIN. Will it be Saksen, the perennial, veteran bridesmaid, or will it be Pete....the up-and-coming, and kinda slutty bridesmaid? Either way, someone will be breaking their runner up streak. Whatever takes the trophy off of the Cat's forever unclean paws is fine with me. Saksen is entering Championship Week very strong, while Pete plays the numbers game day-to-day. Both are heavy contenders for the hits / PIMs categories, and both have players who can run up those counting (and skillz) stats. However, they also have goalies that are capable of capering b-holez. Niemi around the playoffs makes me lulz, and Eddie Lack is..a marginal and curious presence for a championship matchup. But hey, look at me in the 3rd place game amirite. As per the norm, playoff / championship weeks are made and lost by goalie stats, so it will be interesting to see who blows it first. Buuuut, Byufglien out for the rest of the season? Uh oh. Crosby getting sidelined a little bit for the Pens playoff push? Cool. Once again, looks like Pete is the recipient of fortuitous fantasy happenstance. It's cool though, he works hard, he deserves it. NeonDion 7, Beast 4

Let's just hurry the fuck and get this over with,


*and delishuz

**seriously, which Bloomberg app?