Week 1: Spit in my mouth

I deserve it

Franchise-wide Week 1 averages:

  1. Tier 2: 150.8
  2. Tier 1: 146.7
  3. lol

Funny how SABRmetrixxx Mike left that out of his Dish

Commissioner Ged here, taking a two hour break from snap chatting pictures of my dick and pewp to recap this week's trials and tribulations. I didn't get to watch any of the MNF games on account of that pesky work arrangement I have with UC Davis, but I hear it was chockabock full of TBS and mmmmmmmmm you know how I love me some TBS. I don't have much else to say here this week, so I'm gonna get right to the matchups.

Wrap up your baby and feed it to the White Walkers, it's time for Matchups

Showering with Zack, Part 1 (Sandusky 152, Early 145):

Penn State has yet to respond to my numerous formal cumplaints, but I'm confident something will be done about Zack's thorough sponge baths. This was an emotional roller coaster of a week, I assume for both of us. Catboi and I spent all day Sunday together punishing magnums of Cook's, trading sleepz, and exercising our curious fingers. My T-Rich woes frustrated me for most of the day, but I awoke from a Cook's-induced slumber to see that the slovenly Manning brother had totally redeemed himself. Is it possible to be more of a derp than Eli? Regardless, I actually had renewed hopes of a victory going into Monday with a 32 point lead. Sure enough, "A is for Alfred" is not in reference to Alfred Morris. What a fucking piece of shit. And sure enough Vick actually does something - this HAS to be some sort of fantasy karma from last year (Fitzgerald, Vernon, and Vick all had good weeks, of fucking course). Well congrats to Zack for beating one of the four teams he could've beaten this week ;) Next time we meet in the showers....I'll bring my suction cup dildo.

Girls are the worst (Kibbles 216, Berginas 170):

Ermegerd. And with this score Spencer has now become the mayor of titty city. The question that remains is 'who's joining Spencer in the finals?' The "Wah" Award this week goes to Jess, who a) walked in front of a freight train, and b) lost to the only team with a score higher than hers. This is registering quite low on my give-a-care meter, so welcome to the league Jess. AP's chocolatey brown butt was working overtime against Detroit, and we all know what Peyton did on Thursday. Unfortunately Spencer has banked on consistency, so we can look forward to fairly solid numbers from him week to week.

Hey Greg:

Austin bukkakes Greg with water chestnut-filled pokeball (Chong 127, Queso 80):

Ohhhh boy. Here we go again. Greg. Wtf. This is the opposite of safe. In fact, on the safety spectrum I would place this somewhere between "Sex with Mike Saksen" and "Fleet Week with Pete and Ged". I really don't know what to tell you here, there isn't even solace in your bench. It's a good thing you have Peyton in our ESPN league you cheeky lil miggy wiggy ;) Austin you kinda got away with one here, brushing by with a goose egg and a couple 2s. Sweet WRs on both sides tho.

He's alive (Eskimo 155, Schme's 153):

Well it looks like Shane isn't wasting any time in being the most-capered manager in Late Night history. Picking up right where he left off, Shane's bad beats continued through MNF. Owen Daniels was the outright savior for Kyle, with 18 pts on a projected 6 to seal the 2-pt margin victory. Wow. Kyle you better pray to the Triathlon gods that you don't get eaten by a shark during one of your swims. I feel like this marks the beginning of what will be a very similar Great American Beer Festival for Shane this year.

Splinter Cell Omar absconds with 10-point victory; Hamas takes credit (Hate 160, Juggz 150):

Omar I hope you enjoy this Week 1 victory, because guess what....Vernon is gonna getcha, take it from me. This all seems vaguely familiar to last year's SF tight end dilemma: VD was bonkers in Week 1 and then scored 0-2 points from there on out. Sure, different quarterback, but I'm just sayin....you should trade him to me. Steve got the better end of the QB battle 49-34, but was lacking in WRs and the flex departments. My advice is to be better.

Week 2 Predictions:

Manginal Hubris: Don't think you can post another 170er against me, Mendosa. My team is just like me during junior year of college....going through puberty. (Early 138, Hubris 130)

Jerry Juggernaut: Zack's team is certainly solid, but which 20+ pointer is he gonna sit this week?? You should consult with Charlie for hella tipzzzz ;) (Sandies 150, Juggernaut 122)

Chz Kibblez: I'll spare you the pain, Greg. Psych no I won't. Spencer is going to turn your b-hole inside out play it like a didgeridoo until he summons the Dark Lord Cthulhu to rain his fire zigglies all over your teeth and eyebrows. (Vick 350, Tatas....99)

Eskimo Pokomon: This one will be pretty close. Eskimos love Pokemon, they hate cinnamon. We just might see a 2-0 triathlete here (Brothers 140, Chin 133)

Schme's Hate: Alright Shane, I'll throw you a bone here. You're the underdog..but it won't be a heartbreakingly close loss? (Hate 150, Utes 130)

Anyone else here on snap chat?