A Quiet Corner
Hoping to never be deleted before bringing you a smile.
Welcome to A Quiet Corner
Happy Fall! Happy change of the weather! Changes in the seasons always make me apprehensive of how I need to change. What are some of the ways I live and respond to life that don't serve me anymore. Especially Fall. Fall re-enforces letting go. Just like the shedding of my two little geckos! They shed endlessly, without fear or resistance. And they magically find themselves comfortable in the new skin after eating the old one. Just like nature letting go off all the beauty before settling into a dormant phase of life.
This Fall, like nature, I want to shed a habit that no longer serves me. My coach and I have been observing my energy patterns and relationships and started working on the power of "receiving". It seems that " Giving" has been such powerful narrative for me since childhood that I resist receiving in a deep level. We have created self-observations and practices around " asking for help" , " mindful giving" , " receiving with mind, body and heart" and as always what can I do differently?"!
Pause: What are some of the ways you "give" ? How open are you to ' receiving" ? How well do you communicate this distinction and this need?
I am very much looking forward to my next Enneagram workshop early Nov. The Enneagram path of Growth and Development has become an inseparable part of my life. Almost as close to me as breathing!
Pause: What are some of that ways you " pause" and reconsider your pattens?
As always, thank you for allowing me in your mailbox ( and hopefully in your heart). Please stay in touch. Drop a line!
Yours
Afsaneh
Leadership Language Series, Episode VII
Constructive Criticism VS Deconstructive Criticism
You are my hero if you can claim you have never been criticized or received a feedback or have never given one).
Where there is conflict, there is, whether we like it or not, the language of criticism. Sometime quietly in our heads and hopefully, more often than not, communicated orally. So how do we offer criticism to someone?
A common approach to providing criticism/feedback is sugar-coating it with the word “ Constructive”. In a constructive criticism we assume:
- the communicator ( and only the communicator) has the truth of the situation
- the receiver of the criticism is lost and simply “ doesn’t get it”
- the receiver has to learn and change external actions or inactions
- the communicator is “ right” , and is responsible for setting the other party straight
- the communicator has all the answers
Doesn’t feel very well to be in the receiving end of this conversation, does it?
Pause: How often do you take this stance? How do you give criticism? How do you receive it?
Constructive criticism is based on our Big Assumptions about the narrative and the situation. It is one way and an absolute dead-end. We are specifically putting our finger on what is wrong. We offer solution to a problem as soon as it arises. No matter how hard we are trying to offer a solution, we are demanding “ our own way” to be the right way. Sounds familiar?
How can this be any different?
Well, a different approach can be Deconstructive Criticism!
During a deconstructive criticism there is effort put into understanding the other person’s perspective and point of view. The possibility that, my perspective may not be accurate, exists and is considered. Both parties openly discuss their Big Assumptions and Competing Commitments as well as separate commitments that they hold individually some of which might be internal commitments. There’s a mutual intention to carry on a two-way conversation, listen with presence, learn about oneself and the other. In this manner, both parties are open to change, shift and growth.
A deconstructive criticism provides a space that:
- creates a context of mutual learning
- makes meaning of choices, beliefs and convictions of the communicator
- accepts the truth of both parties
- expresses genuine report of puzzlement and inquires into sense-making
- respects self and the other
and most importantly
- instead of flourishing paralysis and uncertainty, looks for solutions through genuine curiosity.
Pause: Consider a recent conflict at work or at home. How did you resolve the situation? How well were you able to get your point across without allowing your ego or big assumptions control the situation? What was the result? What could you do differently?
****
I understand how different this approach is from what we are used to. I recently used the method in a conflicting situation with my fourteen year old teenager and the results was amazing! The encompassing condition though, for any type of conversation that involves a conflict is for both parties to be willing and aware of the dynamics that are ruling their conversation. Without awareness this conversation will not go far.
For more information on Leadership Language you can refer to the works of Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahay.
Afsaneh
September 2018
Episode VII of Leadership Language wraps up Social Languages. For all the other episodes visit http://www.cornerstonestrategies.net/blog #leadership #leadershiplanguage #development #growth #coaching
Books, Poems et al
Lilac Girls by Martha Hall Kelly
Journey by Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice – – –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
‘Mend my life!’
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations – – –
though their melancholy
was terrible. It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do – – – determined to save
the only life you could save.
I Survived the Bulkan Route
I could hardly wait to meet Mitra again to hear the rest of her story. We finally caught up on an easy Sunday afternoon. One of those monsoon summer days when you just want to curl up with a cup of tea, get lost in a good book and hear the pouring rain hit hard on the tin roof of the screened porch. I was equally delighted to get lost in her story though. Even if it was not a physical book that I could hold in my hands, it still stirred the same sense of excitement and anticipation in me. Her story was not yet one that was shaped on paper, however, it was a book that was writing itself in my heart and soul through her words. I didn’t have to make any effort. Presence was the key.
We picked a quiet corner of the coffeeshop and settled in. The space that held our conversation lit up as soon as we sat down. “ Are you comfortable?” I asked, making sure she feels safe and relaxed. After all, remembering and re-living, being smuggled across several borders through obscure paths was not an easy journey one would voluntarily make. Read more
To read Episode I follow http://www.cornerstonestrategies.net/stories-of-resilience/i-survived-the-balkan-route
Self Observation
This month, in particular, I am observing my " giving" and " receiving" habits. Throughout the ay I PAUSE and Reflect, during the past few hours:
1. How well did I receive nature, people, compliments?
2. How did I feel about receiving?
3. How did I block receiving?
4. How did I create a balance between giving & receiving?
5. What can I do differently?
Need help developing a self observation practice? Feel free to contact me.
Flowers and Patterns
These three Lilies found their home in my garden after clearance sales of last year. I doubted they would bloom the first year but they did! And ever so beautifully!
A few Testimonials
Upcoming Workshops & Events
- Change Management : Building resilience at work and at home
- HALO: A Group Coaching Circle
- Discover yourself through Art: An introduction to Zentangle
- Discover your Personality Type: An Enneagram Discussion
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/enneagram-development-tickets-49922245781
- Healing Story Telling Time
- @NanaGrants Fundaiser
https://www.facebook.com/events/234344100575223/
- Introduction to Essential Oils:
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/essential-oils-wellness-tickets-50223224015
- Not a Yoga class: Poses, Posture and their effect on personal development
- CLC: Coaching a La Carte
- Discover your Story to leave your Legacy
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/discover-your-untold-story-registration-49736776036
For more information on the workshops visit Calendar Or email me at aabree@cornerstonestrategies.net
Nana Grants
In Georgia alone %40 of kids are raised in single parent homes. Education for the parents becomes really crucial in saving their generation from poverty. Most of these single parents have to drop out and are not able to take advantage of scholarships because they can't afford childcare. You can read more.
I am genuinely passionate about this cause and hope that you consider supporting single Nana Grant. You can make a difference in a generation! https://www.flipcause.com/secure/fundraiser/MzE5OTc=/15704
Book your free 30 minute call
Still curious?
Email: aabree@cornerstonestrategies.net
Website: www.cornerstonestrategies.net
Location: 1425 Market Boulevard, Ste 530-98, Roswell, GA, United States
Phone: 6785779517
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CornerstoneStrategies/
Twitter: @AfsanehAbree