Memoirs

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Marred Mind Thoughts

I avidly wrote poems from the essence of life

to the demise and despair of death.

From arbitrary rules of the universe

to the sensibilities of nature.

My poems speak for an eternity confined to the drawers of time

the course of endless ocean lost in thought

the cries are low hushed

during the night

it all fades to a whimper

in the morning

there are no shadows to hide self doubt.

The truth is only embrace

harsh but at times sweet a reminder of reality.

Hypocracy is the ability to call anyone a hypocrite

yet not see the irony in the statement.

Morning will come

it will go with a early afternoon breeze

that caresses the mind to wander on the rest of the day.

My poems wrote a poem

as it resonates inside

like a meteorologist prediction

it has a course that can

shift

change

one that can have a drastic outcome

not even originally considered.

This is a collage of words

that inspired my poems to be pieced together.

Now they muse dimly

approaching a canvas that litters thought

in disorder

they look for order

for comfort and safety

but do not understand that chaos must exist alongside

for life to hold meaning there must be flaws

imperfections.

Diamonds are not born smooth

they are in the rough

they must be polished to be made;

made by human minds

looking for the artificiality

of culminated desire

Myself and I

I look at life objectively neither the villain nor am I the hero for my hubris

My tragic flaw is indifference.

I act on the rationality of what people are inclined to act

I feel desperation to follow a norm to cast myself into the pits of Lazarus

Rise again part of machine just a simple cog following the rotation functioning without reason

My want to care arises from my mother's compassion

She cares, feels ,cries and has despair of years that life has withered away at her

Even if I can’t empathize with this pain

The illusion of emotion is but a breeze to emulate

I have life as a stage it is an act the first one is but done

I carry the burden of objectivity

I avoid conflict

I carry no real weight on a opinion because the trivial pointlessness of the reality

That I want no right to focus in the squabbles of humankind.

Neither do I want to egocentrically admire what I am

For truly I want to exist as a seer of the development of life

A hermit in space looking for infinity

I only fear death

The stream of consciousness will cease

No breath

No heart beat

No life to admire

No last contemplation

No new memories .
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Scientific Shenanigans

We go like oxidation and reduction


We balance like an alkaline and an acid making a neutral 7


I had this delusion this theory that was hypothesized by loosely gathered and bias data


This ideal flourished from a romanticized version of the enlightenment


It was the shenanigans of a fool hearty lab coat with crooked goggles that still


smelled of


chemicals


This was the undoing as the dying star collapsed into itself forming the void that lives in my heart


neither light nor blood can escape this pull


The black hole has ripped life from my being


The black hole is metaphorical it is a lack of hope that is being drained from my body


My mind expands like a supernova releasing energy


Thoughts racing around in a constant flowing stream swirling not always having the same


current


A nucleus harboring the harbinger of response the free will to express eccentric behavior


The catalyst that holds all reactions accountable bringing them to fruition.
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Two-Face

If there was a way to be a ocean away I would be in the next plane as long as

that distance


would not dissipate then the happiness of the world would be bestowed on my being.

The torture ensues with every little grin I catch it’s like looking in a mirror how he seems to mimic me like their is no difference between us.

I refuse to acknowledge his presence parts that may bear any resemblance to link ourselves is lost on me.

We look in the future and see two different outcomes. “Success is a one way street with one victor” Yet I refuse to follow his ideology I rather believe that their is a future that can be shared people can help each other build upwards appreciating the value of society.

We may not all be rich but we will not be suffering

They will be rich there will be middle class but I don’t want to see homeless ,starving ,and poor

This is where our minds clash fighting on the fields awaiting judgement of the Valkyries.

An endless onslaught feverish and desperate not allowing one side to take hold.

A field diseased by war never on the side of the victorious the casualties so monstrous that winning will only be phantomed by the tolls paid by the innocent.

His embodiment is a monstrosity that brings only despair and calamity.

Disgust fills my body thinking about what he has done his presence is forever present within me.

Knowing he wants my place in the world with the distortion of his dystopia makes me want to thrive.

The satisfaction of keeping him at bay makes every moment of life that much more resplendent.

But in a way it is misery because he will always linger brazen with the full force of determination for revolution.

Even that ocean would not be enough.

He is me and I am him.


Road to Mexico

I was young it was dark outside I had taken a nap from being rocked to sleep inside of the vehicle. The lights from the stars were dimly ticking the sky. My mind was on the brink of dreams and reality eyelids heavy seeing flashes of the road. I drifted into sleep awoke at the first light to poke at my eye. My mother was on the cellphone she was wearing sunglasses I found this very odd it was not that bright outside for her eyes to be bothered I thought to myself. The call ended she had her face focused on the road she was very stoic with her expression and gave me quick responses. I kept staring back at her with concern no knowing if there was anything wrong then I saw a tear roll down her face making me even more curious and concerned. I kept pressing for answers after some time I she said to wait. She composed herself wiped her tears from her cheeks. All she could say was “Your grandfather is dead”

then we both stared at the empty road ahead it was just my birth day but it was his end day. I could not fall back to sleep no matter how weary my body started to feel their was conviction in my mind that I had to see him one last time.


Prom

It was a enjoyable night the lights flashed the food was good. I danced it was very interesting thing. It was hot most of the time but there was cold water to drink. As the time passed I felt tired but was not tired with the night there was after prom at main event. It was a nice affair I gave a shoot at karaoke sang Kansas Carry On Wayward Son one of my favorite songs not really sure how I sounded but oh well it was something fun to do. The night carried on I gave a shot at playing lazer tag my machine whatever it was not functioning properly which was not as fun but I didn't mind. I was at prom I had a date it was more than expected the night might fade it have already forgotten some of it. This memoir should help kick start my memory if I ever need to go back.

Yesterday

I’m not convinced that I believe anything but besides what is in my present. I never believed that I was the bad guy a villain but neither do I see how it was possible for me to be a good guy or some righteous hero. Recently I never had an identity crisis or any form of identity loss but I have no idea if I am doing the right thing in life whether it involves benefiting other people or myself it seems that I’m at a loss with what option to go with in my quest to be objective the sense of how people are affected seems to be lost. All I want is to help people to understand them to be there for them whether I know them or not. There is a time where returning would be a very pleasing to settling the storm this is where the memory part starts. When I was younger I tried to be the best of a person it was possible for me to be. Neither looked for perfection or to stem from what I was it seemed to be more of an involuntary response to my environment. I felt unhappy but never did I felt that no one else should have to experience this uncomfort so spending time trying to dedicate everything in my being to make everyone happy was what gave me a sense of happiness the sense of direction that helping gave me was one of astronomical proportions.
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