The Glorious Journey of Mormonism

An Otherworldly Adventure to a World Other Than You!

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How the Religion Got to Where It Is Today!

During the Second Great Awakening (which created even more of those pesky false religions!), Our Great Prophet Joseph Smith founded Mormonism after receiving several heavenly messages from great divinities like John the Baptist, the Angel Moroni, and even Jesus himself! The Angel Moroni instructed our Heavenly Prophet to find certain golden plates, which were buried on a hill, and told him to never tell anyone of his visions until the time was right. Taking after a local Magician (whom we can thank for helping our Great Joseph Smith), Our Prophet used Seer Stones to locate tools and the hidden plates. On September 22nd, 1827, Joseph Smith used the Angel Moroni's help to discover the golden plates, which were covered with inscriptions of Reformed Egyptian runes. Eventually, using the help of a local well-to-do man, Martin Harris, Our Prophet Joseph Smith translated the golden plates into 116 pages in the early form of our Book of Mormon. Unfortunately, Martin Harris' wife (that silly blasphemer!) doubted Our Prophet and demanded to see the pages. The transfer of the book resulted in its loss and to this day, the location of the original 116 pages (called the Book of Lehi). is unknown. Thanks, Lucy Harris! Using the Seer Stones once again, Our Prophet dictated another version of the Book (called the Book of Nephi) to Martin Harris. Due to the fact that Our Amazing Joseph Smith was the only one with permission from God and Moroni, Martin Harris was forbidden to see the second set of golden plates (which Our Prophet read from a hat). The second version of Our Benevolent Prophet is known today as the official Book of Mormon! Wow! What a delicious tale! Well, you know what they say: "The rest is history!"
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The Leaders of Mormonism: Joseph Smith and You!

Born on December 23, 1805 (closeness to Jesus' birthday represents closeness to God), The Chosen One was raised by a farmer and merchant family. Although he knew they were incorrect, Our Joseph Smith was inspired by the hotbed of religious enthusiasm in his hometown of Palmyra, New York and other Western New York towns. Much of our beautiful religion can be linked to Joseph Smith's beautiful involvement in local folk magic. Our Prophet revealed years later that in 1820, he started receiving the aforementioned heavenly visions. These visions allowed Our One True Prophet to clear his religious confusion and start his journey to found the Church of the Latter Day Saints (LDS). After years of preaching the only correct faith of Jesus Christ and Our Heavenly Father, the Prophet received several instances of tarring and feathering, which he bravely endured for the sake of Mormonism! In 1844, after Our Prophet had moved to Nauvoo, Illinois, a band of local heathens protested against his polygamy and marriage to perfectly acceptable underage women. The One Chosen Prophet courageously destroyed the press producing such blasphemous newsletters, but was imprisoned for said heroic actions, along with several others, including his brother. Although he valiantly killed two vicious heathens in the process, Our Prophet was sadly slaughtered by a savage mob on June 27, 1844. 'Twas the saddest day in Mormon history... However, all is not lost! The Mormon religion is in all of us! No matter where your Glorious Journey of Mormonism takes you, always remember that YOU are just as important as Our Great Joseph Smith!

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Undeniable Truths and More Fun for the Family!

Like Christianity, Mormonism follows the scriptures and teachings of Jesus Christ (or, as one should say, correct and perfected versions). However, unlike traditional, incorrect Christianity, Jesus did not die for our sins! Sin is individual within each of us and it is our destiny to follow what is correct! It's as easy as 1. 2. 3.

1. Afraid for your deceased loved ones? Don't worry! We baptize the dead! Such lucky participants include Steve Irwin, Jewish victims of the Holocaust, Elvis Presley (at least seven times! Wow, isn't he popular!), Adolf Hitler, Anne Frank, Princess Diana, John Paul II, Gandhi, and even Joan of Arc! Wow!!!

2. Afraid of being impure? Don't worry! Many heathenish activities are prohibited in our perfected religion, such as (and not limited to), coffee, Sunday sports, R-rated movies (we're watching you!), Ouija boards and tarot cards (they're of the Devil!, and games like Dungeons and Dragons!

3. Afraid of being unsure? Don't worry! We know the word of God! Ever wonder why some people have darker skin and some have lighter? That's because God cursed people with dark skin! Fortunately, participation in the Church over an extended period of time will make your skin lighter! Remember, kids, black people bear the curse of Cain because they were less valiant in their pre-Earth lives!

Here are some other facts of Our Perfect Church to garner your interest!

  • Native Americans are actually decedents of an Israelite tribe called the Lamanates cursed by God with dark skin. After being exiled from Israel, they were forced to move through Alaska to get to the America we know and love!
  • Quakers live on the moon!
  • Until 1978, all blacks were banned from being priests!
  • The Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri!
  • God lives on a planet near the star Kolob with an infinite amount of wives for coitus! (yet to be discovered astronomically)
  • God is actually a human!
  • Hand-shakes are necessary to gain access to the higher parts of heaven!
  • 10% of income goes to the Church in order to make your life better!
  • Satan travels through water, so beware! Caution yourself around the shower and steer clear of swimming!
  • Women exist to produce babies for men! Billions upon billions of babies! Since man created and dominate the world, women exist to populate it for posterity! Wow! Sounds like fun!
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The facts and thoughts in this brochure do not reflect those of the author. They are merely humorous representations of actual (present and past) teachings of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Any offense taken is unintentional and it should be noted that all pieces of this pamphlet have been professed by The Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, or various leaders of the Church throughout its hilariously short existence.