The Glorious Journey of Mormonism
An Otherworldly Adventure to a World Other Than You!
How the Religion Got to Where It Is Today!
The Leaders of Mormonism: Joseph Smith and You!
Born on December 23, 1805 (closeness to Jesus' birthday represents closeness to God), The Chosen One was raised by a farmer and merchant family. Although he knew they were incorrect, Our Joseph Smith was inspired by the hotbed of religious enthusiasm in his hometown of Palmyra, New York and other Western New York towns. Much of our beautiful religion can be linked to Joseph Smith's beautiful involvement in local folk magic. Our Prophet revealed years later that in 1820, he started receiving the aforementioned heavenly visions. These visions allowed Our One True Prophet to clear his religious confusion and start his journey to found the Church of the Latter Day Saints (LDS). After years of preaching the only correct faith of Jesus Christ and Our Heavenly Father, the Prophet received several instances of tarring and feathering, which he bravely endured for the sake of Mormonism! In 1844, after Our Prophet had moved to Nauvoo, Illinois, a band of local heathens protested against his polygamy and marriage to perfectly acceptable underage women. The One Chosen Prophet courageously destroyed the press producing such blasphemous newsletters, but was imprisoned for said heroic actions, along with several others, including his brother. Although he valiantly killed two vicious heathens in the process, Our Prophet was sadly slaughtered by a savage mob on June 27, 1844. 'Twas the saddest day in Mormon history... However, all is not lost! The Mormon religion is in all of us! No matter where your Glorious Journey of Mormonism takes you, always remember that YOU are just as important as Our Great Joseph Smith!
Undeniable Truths and More Fun for the Family!
1. Afraid for your deceased loved ones? Don't worry! We baptize the dead! Such lucky participants include Steve Irwin, Jewish victims of the Holocaust, Elvis Presley (at least seven times! Wow, isn't he popular!), Adolf Hitler, Anne Frank, Princess Diana, John Paul II, Gandhi, and even Joan of Arc! Wow!!!
2. Afraid of being impure? Don't worry! Many heathenish activities are prohibited in our perfected religion, such as (and not limited to), coffee, Sunday sports, R-rated movies (we're watching you!), Ouija boards and tarot cards (they're of the Devil!, and games like Dungeons and Dragons!
3. Afraid of being unsure? Don't worry! We know the word of God! Ever wonder why some people have darker skin and some have lighter? That's because God cursed people with dark skin! Fortunately, participation in the Church over an extended period of time will make your skin lighter! Remember, kids, black people bear the curse of Cain because they were less valiant in their pre-Earth lives!
Here are some other facts of Our Perfect Church to garner your interest!
- Native Americans are actually decedents of an Israelite tribe called the Lamanates cursed by God with dark skin. After being exiled from Israel, they were forced to move through Alaska to get to the America we know and love!
- Quakers live on the moon!
- Until 1978, all blacks were banned from being priests!
- The Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri!
- God lives on a planet near the star Kolob with an infinite amount of wives for coitus! (yet to be discovered astronomically)
- God is actually a human!
- Hand-shakes are necessary to gain access to the higher parts of heaven!
- 10% of income goes to the Church in order to make your life better!
- Satan travels through water, so beware! Caution yourself around the shower and steer clear of swimming!
- Women exist to produce babies for men! Billions upon billions of babies! Since man created and dominate the world, women exist to populate it for posterity! Wow! Sounds like fun!