MID-YEAR ANAL LYSIS
For Your Anal
I NEED A NEW HOBBY
To celebrate the halfway point of the season I figured in addition to my di$h doodies I'd also invent and play with some anal-lysis of all your putrid fantasy teams. I probably would have done more if Pete hadn't kept stalking me to talk about some bachelor party that WASN'T in Nola (gay).
So the upside of my work being slow is I threw together a few analytics I completely made up without any real scientific integrity. The downside is come week 16 I probably won't have enough money to pay any of the winners, as I will likely not be one of them (see below).
If you have a problem with my math here's what you need to do:
1) stuff a pair of socks (folded) straight away up your ass
2) eat my dick
3) make your own damn fantasy football sabermetrics
4) eat my dick again
I've included some pictures of funny things I've take to break up the numbers since most of you are too fucking retarded to handle that....wait a second...3 doctors, 2 soon-to-be doctors, 1 lawyer, 1 physicist...does that make up for the high unemployment rate in Late Night?
So the upside of my work being slow is I threw together a few analytics I completely made up without any real scientific integrity. The downside is come week 16 I probably won't have enough money to pay any of the winners, as I will likely not be one of them (see below).
If you have a problem with my math here's what you need to do:
1) stuff a pair of socks (folded) straight away up your ass
2) eat my dick
3) make your own damn fantasy football sabermetrics
4) eat my dick again
I've included some pictures of funny things I've take to break up the numbers since most of you are too fucking retarded to handle that....wait a second...3 doctors, 2 soon-to-be doctors, 1 lawyer, 1 physicist...does that make up for the high unemployment rate in Late Night?
I'm glad you had fun Pete
Did Matt leave those bottles of wine for you? What no card?!
ASS
We already know and can easily access Points Against Players Matchup Entering Each Rodeo (or PAPsMEER) from the league page and this gives us a pretty good idea of how tough competition has been, but doesn't account for stochastic events that effect W-L, like losing to the highest scoring team while scoring second most.
This is where you can insert my ASS (Adjusted Strength of Schedule), which is a measure of how good the teams you have been/will be playing are. This takes W-L (as of week 8) as the basis for strength. While not all wins count the same (ahem, JC week 6), over 7 weeks a team's win-loss is probably pretty close. When, like Jon, you lose to a winless team, that's bad. You suck Jon.
When you pool all opponents in my ASS the W-L are averaged over 7 teams playing 7 weeks each. That's how you avoid problems with random ASS like selection bias. If you're unfamiliar with selection bias it is why Pete will turn down a 7 at 10pm then takes home a 3 at 2am. My ASS is quantified as the total W-L differential (as of week 8) of opponents and can be positive or negative. Like AIDS tests, a positive is a negative in my ASS.
Example: Your opponents records are 29-20, your ASS is a +9 which is a rock hard ASS.
The relegates both got creamed in the ASS. They're the only ones to play the top 3 teams twice each and they have the worst ASS of anyone coming and going.
DO NOT EVER GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH ASS PAPSMEAR *unsee*unsee*unsee*
This is where you can insert my ASS (Adjusted Strength of Schedule), which is a measure of how good the teams you have been/will be playing are. This takes W-L (as of week 8) as the basis for strength. While not all wins count the same (ahem, JC week 6), over 7 weeks a team's win-loss is probably pretty close. When, like Jon, you lose to a winless team, that's bad. You suck Jon.
When you pool all opponents in my ASS the W-L are averaged over 7 teams playing 7 weeks each. That's how you avoid problems with random ASS like selection bias. If you're unfamiliar with selection bias it is why Pete will turn down a 7 at 10pm then takes home a 3 at 2am. My ASS is quantified as the total W-L differential (as of week 8) of opponents and can be positive or negative. Like AIDS tests, a positive is a negative in my ASS.
Example: Your opponents records are 29-20, your ASS is a +9 which is a rock hard ASS.
The relegates both got creamed in the ASS. They're the only ones to play the top 3 teams twice each and they have the worst ASS of anyone coming and going.
DO NOT EVER GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH ASS PAPSMEAR *unsee*unsee*unsee*
Their Service
It stinks
Security
Malicious software never thinks about pewp
Peter
Haaaaaard workin man. I'll take the low-hanging fruit
CUNT
We all have felt this sting of injuries this season, except fucking Charlie, and I was thinking of a way to quantify the value of games lost. So I thought hard, dug down way deep inside myself and came up with a CUNT, or Capered Under by Nasty Tackles.
My CUNT was a real hairy situation because I wanted to quantify not just how many games, but the value of those games. The best I came up with was using draft round as a modifier of the value of the game lost. I played with a bunch of different thing in my CUNT, like average points and yahoo projected, but draft order seemed to make the most sense.
How my CUNT works (Greg you're gonna wanna pay particular attention to this): Each game missed by a major player (~round 8 and above) is divided by the round that person was drafted in to determine his CUNT score. For instance if your third round pick missed three games he would be 1 CUNT (3games/3rd round = 1CUNT). If your first round pick missed 4 games he would be four CUNTs (4g/1r = 4CUNTSs). I realize that this way overvalues top picks, but I like those in my CUNT.
As far as the cut off for what counts as a missed game it's a very scientific and definitely not a totally arbitrary system based on how many carries/receptions etc were had in that game. For instance Jimmy Graham played a whole game but had no catches because he was hobbled, which got Jon some CUNT. In general I only counted games lost where the player was out or injured in the first half or so. Also I just totally left out traded players because it was too fucking complicated. Dan adjust your CUNT as you see fit for James Jones. Low draft picks or waiver wire pickups (however important James Starks was >>>:-/////) are also left out of my CUNT.
My CUNT was a real hairy situation because I wanted to quantify not just how many games, but the value of those games. The best I came up with was using draft round as a modifier of the value of the game lost. I played with a bunch of different thing in my CUNT, like average points and yahoo projected, but draft order seemed to make the most sense.
How my CUNT works (Greg you're gonna wanna pay particular attention to this): Each game missed by a major player (~round 8 and above) is divided by the round that person was drafted in to determine his CUNT score. For instance if your third round pick missed three games he would be 1 CUNT (3games/3rd round = 1CUNT). If your first round pick missed 4 games he would be four CUNTs (4g/1r = 4CUNTSs). I realize that this way overvalues top picks, but I like those in my CUNT.
As far as the cut off for what counts as a missed game it's a very scientific and definitely not a totally arbitrary system based on how many carries/receptions etc were had in that game. For instance Jimmy Graham played a whole game but had no catches because he was hobbled, which got Jon some CUNT. In general I only counted games lost where the player was out or injured in the first half or so. Also I just totally left out traded players because it was too fucking complicated. Dan adjust your CUNT as you see fit for James Jones. Low draft picks or waiver wire pickups (however important James Starks was >>>:-/////) are also left out of my CUNT.
WILD FAP PEWP MOP
What all the stats boil down to is my PEWP, or Probability of Entering and Winning Playoffs. It is comprised of WiLD (Win-Loss Differential), FAP (Fantasy Average at Pozishunz), MoP (Modified Points) and ASS.
WiLD is self explanatory, Stupid fucking Charlie is 6-1 and thus a WiLD +5, and he's about to eat my PEWP.
FAP is the average of your league rank of positional scoring. You guys get to look at my FAP every week when I send the di$h out. Each position is ranked 1-10, add em up and divide by 4, now you're FAPpin.
MoP is just total points scored divided by 100. After WILD FAP i realized I needed a MoP to clean things up a little bit. MoP is the heaviest weight in the PEWP. MoP is more important, I spend too much time every week with FAP anyways, so I'm glad I shoved it in my PEWP.
At the end of the day my PEWP should tell you whether you're making the playoffs or not.
PEWP = 2xWILD + MOP - ASS - FAP
More PEWP is always better. Come in close for a look Charlie, it smells like roses for you. Matt your PEWP stinks.
WiLD is self explanatory, Stupid fucking Charlie is 6-1 and thus a WiLD +5, and he's about to eat my PEWP.
FAP is the average of your league rank of positional scoring. You guys get to look at my FAP every week when I send the di$h out. Each position is ranked 1-10, add em up and divide by 4, now you're FAPpin.
MoP is just total points scored divided by 100. After WILD FAP i realized I needed a MoP to clean things up a little bit. MoP is the heaviest weight in the PEWP. MoP is more important, I spend too much time every week with FAP anyways, so I'm glad I shoved it in my PEWP.
At the end of the day my PEWP should tell you whether you're making the playoffs or not.
PEWP = 2xWILD + MOP - ASS - FAP
More PEWP is always better. Come in close for a look Charlie, it smells like roses for you. Matt your PEWP stinks.
you KNOW i didn't forget about Eli face
THE LEADERS
Riley KKKooper
W-L: 6-1
Points For: 1027, 1st
Points Against: 861, 2nd
Mid-season Award: Dongle Drop: Leading the league in both points and record.
Look at his ASS coming in: -1
Look at his ASS busting out: -9
Wicked CUNT: 0.94, 4th
What to be Excited About: Has shed stupid player-name-pun for other stupid player-name-pun and has avoided history of house whipping boy trade stump. Also that ASS is looking pretty tight.
What to be Ashamed About: Stevan Ridley, fantasy shmushmortion
PEWP: 10 + 10.27 -(-9) - 6 = 23.27
Points For: 1027, 1st
Points Against: 861, 2nd
Mid-season Award: Dongle Drop: Leading the league in both points and record.
Look at his ASS coming in: -1
Look at his ASS busting out: -9
Wicked CUNT: 0.94, 4th
What to be Excited About: Has shed stupid player-name-pun for other stupid player-name-pun and has avoided history of house whipping boy trade stump. Also that ASS is looking pretty tight.
What to be Ashamed About: Stevan Ridley, fantasy shmushmortion
PEWP: 10 + 10.27 -(-9) - 6 = 23.27
TouchDown Syndrome
W-L: 6-1
Points For: 1018, 2nd
Points Against: 903, 3rd
Mid-season Award: Silent Partner: No trades for the second straight season
Look at his ASS coming in: -1
Look at his ASS busting out: -8
Wicked CUNT: FUCKING ZERO, NOT ONE GODDAMN SIGNIFICANT HISTORY
What to be Excited About: Best ASS, never been near a CUNT.....ged?
What to be Ashamed About: Not a fucking thing. I'm not counting Bilal Powell's inexplicable benching.
PEWP: 10 + 10.18 - (-8) - 4.25 = 23.93
Points For: 1018, 2nd
Points Against: 903, 3rd
Mid-season Award: Silent Partner: No trades for the second straight season
Look at his ASS coming in: -1
Look at his ASS busting out: -8
Wicked CUNT: FUCKING ZERO, NOT ONE GODDAMN SIGNIFICANT HISTORY
What to be Excited About: Best ASS, never been near a CUNT.....ged?
What to be Ashamed About: Not a fucking thing. I'm not counting Bilal Powell's inexplicable benching.
PEWP: 10 + 10.18 - (-8) - 4.25 = 23.93
Jerrud Catfish
W-L: 5-2
Points For: 950, 5th
Points Against: 840, 1st
Mid-season Awards: Biggest dick; Sweetest team; Best hair; Commish #1; and of course the Undeserved Wins Award
Look at his ASS coming in: -1
Look at his ASS busting out: -1
Wicked CUNT: FOUR POINT FUCKING FOUR, far and away the highest
What to be Excited About: Early season luck may prop up second half collapse. Father Time Jackson may play football again?!
What to be Ashamed About: Quarterbacks, wretched CUNT.
PEWP: 6 + 9.5 -(-1) - 4.75 = 11.75
Points For: 950, 5th
Points Against: 840, 1st
Mid-season Awards: Biggest dick; Sweetest team; Best hair; Commish #1; and of course the Undeserved Wins Award
Look at his ASS coming in: -1
Look at his ASS busting out: -1
Wicked CUNT: FOUR POINT FUCKING FOUR, far and away the highest
What to be Excited About: Early season luck may prop up second half collapse. Father Time Jackson may play football again?!
What to be Ashamed About: Quarterbacks, wretched CUNT.
PEWP: 6 + 9.5 -(-1) - 4.75 = 11.75
The Jiz Finleys
W-L: 4-3
Points For: 977, 4th
Points Against: 978, t-7th
Mid-season Award: Survivor of Trade Rape Award. Stay strong O-town.
Look at his ASS coming in: -7
Look at his ASS busting out: +7
Wicked CUNT: 0.25, 2nd
What to be Excited About: Returning champ finally rounding into form
What to be Ashamed About: Second half schedule is a real piece of shit. Angering fantasy gods by using player name in team name. See Blount Trauma, history of losing.
PEWP: 2 + 9.77 - 7 - 5.75 = -.0.98
Points For: 977, 4th
Points Against: 978, t-7th
Mid-season Award: Survivor of Trade Rape Award. Stay strong O-town.
Look at his ASS coming in: -7
Look at his ASS busting out: +7
Wicked CUNT: 0.25, 2nd
What to be Excited About: Returning champ finally rounding into form
What to be Ashamed About: Second half schedule is a real piece of shit. Angering fantasy gods by using player name in team name. See Blount Trauma, history of losing.
PEWP: 2 + 9.77 - 7 - 5.75 = -.0.98
THE FOLLOWERS
Where Fist Pigs Fly
W-L: 3-4
Points For: 948, 6th
Points Against: 957, 5th
Mid-season Award: The Dodger: Still unslapped
Look at his ASS coming in: +9
Look at his ASS busting out: +7
Wicked CUNT: 0.5, 3rd. For how much he bitches it seems more than that. Hmm.
What to be Excited About: Probably not getting relegated this year *slashes wrists* Blackmon, Charles and VJax have pretty big boners too.
What to be Ashamed About: Trent Richardson vaginal discharge
PEWP: -2 + 9.48 - 7 - 6 = -5.52
Points For: 948, 6th
Points Against: 957, 5th
Mid-season Award: The Dodger: Still unslapped
Look at his ASS coming in: +9
Look at his ASS busting out: +7
Wicked CUNT: 0.5, 3rd. For how much he bitches it seems more than that. Hmm.
What to be Excited About: Probably not getting relegated this year *slashes wrists* Blackmon, Charles and VJax have pretty big boners too.
What to be Ashamed About: Trent Richardson vaginal discharge
PEWP: -2 + 9.48 - 7 - 6 = -5.52
The Red Headed Burst
W-L: 3-4
Points For: 927, 7th
Points Against: 936, 4th
Mid-season Award: Atlantis: His chances of glory are not only mythical, but sunk.
Look at his ASS coming in: +5
Look at his ASS busting out: -5
Wicked CUNT: 1.43, 6th
What to be Excited About: Schedule is smooth sailing
What to be Ashamed About: Injuries; your CUNT is gonna be chewed up next week. Gore for Cruz amirite?!
PEWP: -2 + 9.27 - (-5) - 4.5 = 7.77
Points For: 927, 7th
Points Against: 936, 4th
Mid-season Award: Atlantis: His chances of glory are not only mythical, but sunk.
Look at his ASS coming in: +5
Look at his ASS busting out: -5
Wicked CUNT: 1.43, 6th
What to be Excited About: Schedule is smooth sailing
What to be Ashamed About: Injuries; your CUNT is gonna be chewed up next week. Gore for Cruz amirite?!
PEWP: -2 + 9.27 - (-5) - 4.5 = 7.77
Fuck You Reggie Bush
W-L: 3-4
Points For: 925, 8th
Points Against: 978, t-7th
Mid-season Award: Louis CK: Jon is currently sucking on a big bag of dicks, baguette style
Look at his ASS coming in: -3
Look at his ASS busting out: -1
Wicked CUNT: 2.3, 9th
What to be Excited About: Having 3 good QBs, cause you can totally start them all. And someone will definitely offer you something awesome for your backup QB. AP obvi.
What to be Ashamed About: PTSD and constant nightmares from week 6 #neverforget
PEWP: -2 + 9.25 - (-1) - 5 = 3.25
Points For: 925, 8th
Points Against: 978, t-7th
Mid-season Award: Louis CK: Jon is currently sucking on a big bag of dicks, baguette style
Look at his ASS coming in: -3
Look at his ASS busting out: -1
Wicked CUNT: 2.3, 9th
What to be Excited About: Having 3 good QBs, cause you can totally start them all. And someone will definitely offer you something awesome for your backup QB. AP obvi.
What to be Ashamed About: PTSD and constant nightmares from week 6 #neverforget
PEWP: -2 + 9.25 - (-1) - 5 = 3.25
THE TOILET
Hurricane Ditka
W-L: 2-5
Points For: 997, 3rd
Points Against: 970, 6th
Mid-season Award: Little Victories: Without question the worst draft, but not in last place.
Also he's short
Look at his ASS coming in: -1
Look at his ASS busting out: -1
Wicked CUNT: 2.1, t-7th
What to be Excited About: May play crucial role in sending Matt to relegation. Injuries cant stay that bad can they?
What to be Ashamed About: The draft. Still.
PEWP: -6 + 9.97 -(-1) - 5.25 = -0.28
Points For: 997, 3rd
Points Against: 970, 6th
Mid-season Award: Little Victories: Without question the worst draft, but not in last place.
Also he's short
Look at his ASS coming in: -1
Look at his ASS busting out: -1
Wicked CUNT: 2.1, t-7th
What to be Excited About: May play crucial role in sending Matt to relegation. Injuries cant stay that bad can they?
What to be Ashamed About: The draft. Still.
PEWP: -6 + 9.97 -(-1) - 5.25 = -0.28
The Cats Meow
W-L: 2-5
Points For: 878, 9th
Points Against: 1021, 9th
Mid-Season Award: The Kicker: Matt not only has the best kicker, his kicker is his best player
Look at his ASS coming in: -1
Look at his ASS busting out: +6
Wicked CUNT: 1, 5th
What to be Excited About: Chris Johnson finally had a good game?
What to be Ashamed About: Quarterbacks. All of them.
PEWP: -6 + 8.78 -6 -6 = -9.22
Points For: 878, 9th
Points Against: 1021, 9th
Mid-Season Award: The Kicker: Matt not only has the best kicker, his kicker is his best player
Look at his ASS coming in: -1
Look at his ASS busting out: +6
Wicked CUNT: 1, 5th
What to be Excited About: Chris Johnson finally had a good game?
What to be Ashamed About: Quarterbacks. All of them.
PEWP: -6 + 8.78 -6 -6 = -9.22
Dirty Cobb Salad
W-L: 1-6
Points For: 874, 10th
Points Against: 1077, 10th
Mid-season Award: Everything's wrong: Lacey has the worst of everything: record, points for, points against, ASS, FAP and PEWP. That's fucking amazing. Is this a TV show? How is this possible!?
Look at her ASS coming in: +3
Look at her ASS busting out: +7
Wicked CUNT: 2.1, t-7th
What to be Excited About: Competition much easier in Tier II next year
What to be Ashamed About: Set back gender equality 50 years. Hardest ASS in Late Night.
PEWP: -10 + 8.74 -7 -6.75 = -15.01
Points For: 874, 10th
Points Against: 1077, 10th
Mid-season Award: Everything's wrong: Lacey has the worst of everything: record, points for, points against, ASS, FAP and PEWP. That's fucking amazing. Is this a TV show? How is this possible!?
Look at her ASS coming in: +3
Look at her ASS busting out: +7
Wicked CUNT: 2.1, t-7th
What to be Excited About: Competition much easier in Tier II next year
What to be Ashamed About: Set back gender equality 50 years. Hardest ASS in Late Night.
PEWP: -10 + 8.74 -7 -6.75 = -15.01
Shower Curtain
Wants to rape my bobbum
Matt's Dad
Using threats. And lots of emojis
Nature
This is a real spider in a fake spider web halloween decoration
PEWP PREDICTIONS
Here's how the numbers predict the regular season finishing order this year, the results might surprise you.
1st: TDS
2nd: KKK
3rd: JC
4th: RHB
5th: FYRB
6th: Ditka
7th: Jiz
8th: Ugh
9th: k4t
10th: Lacey
Maybe I will update these in a couple of weeks, but it's a lot of work and you guys are a bunch of dickfartabortions.
Take it all.
1st: TDS
2nd: KKK
3rd: JC
4th: RHB
5th: FYRB
6th: Ditka
7th: Jiz
8th: Ugh
9th: k4t
10th: Lacey
Maybe I will update these in a couple of weeks, but it's a lot of work and you guys are a bunch of dickfartabortions.
Take it all.