Saksen's Wedding, Ged's breasts, Dan's dickface, oh my
BRIAN ADDISON IS A TROLL....and I love him for it
I was non plussed.
Well, I slapped matt in his stupid fucking face. About 15 minutes later, Brian, who probably felt a little bit for his culpability in the whole thing came over to me and was like "well, we had a small role in that too....." And, to be honest, it made things a lot better. Because while Matt's shenanigans are cruel and tragic, Brian's are cheeky are fun.
He still got slapped tho.
Welcome back to the Bay Area dr. Frankengiggulz.
PS- Brian had been delaying me on payment, promising he would pay me in person at the wedding. What did Brian say at the wedding? "Oh, shit. I forgot to get cash and we are leaving hella early in the morning, dog. I'll paypal you?"
Just when you thought the Astros couldn't get any more interesting....
But here are some random funny memes!
Also, seriously: who among you gives a fucking shit anymore about PEDs? Like, haven't we gotten past it? I don't bat an eyelash anymore when somebody does the juice and I am not convinced it really helps these guys that much. I know several people who have taken the joos and it didnt help them for SHIT.
Anyways, it would be fucking 100% bullshit if the Yankees got to void ARod's contract and then had him off their roster completely without any prejudice. Not only would they have gotten to use Arod for 7 years but then theyd get to completely walk away from his albatross contract when he is in major decline? I call bullshit on that, sirs.
Carlos Gonzalez and fifty shades of gh3y
ON TO THE MATCHUPS!
Well, Mike had a solid offensive week posting 35/8/34 with a crazy NINE steals and a very respectable 305 average. Matt "The Christian Avenger" Holliday led saksens evil hyenas 9/0/6/2/406/957, and Brian "Back from the Dead" McCann also chimed in with 3/3/9/300/1141. The dearly departed Nelson Cruz also dropped his swan song 4/3/5/292/1037 before the GTFO and took his turn feeling great shame.
Brian had a great surprise week from the flyin' hawaiian Shane Victorino (yeah, I cant' believe somebody owns him either) 7/2/6/462/1308, and Anthony Rizzo dropped a pleasant 4/3/4/310/1067. Brian could have made this matchup closer if he had eeked out another bomb or some more RBIs but alas, he got skunked. Beat it, Nerd.
Brian had a bit of tough luck on the bump this week with Christ Sale, Matt Harvey, and Papsmire giving up a few runs in some tough starts :( Brian blew the doors off the strikeouts but took too many loses and gave up too many runs to make a serious run at things. I'll give you a kiss for Glen Perkins?
Saksen/Hinton's pitching was solid, not outstanding and was lucky enough to beat Brian (congratulations). It's not like you had a bad week, I just think you would have lost to most teams (NOT MINE).
All in all, we were glad to get rid of you for a week, congrats on your wedding now SHUT THE FUCK UP AND COME DOWN ON DIS YOENIS.
Austin bested Matt, surprisingly I might add, on offense! Austin just narrowly conquered matt in the counting stats and was able to pull off a win with 3 steals/279/799. This might be a sign of the times for matt right now. He just cant get his shit together.
I really like that Austin's boners were led by David Fucking Freese?? For real??? 6/1/7/320/1052. Also, Subway Trout asked for his shit toasted please with 8/1/2/500/1552.
Fucking Cardinals went dumb last week, Allen Craig also posted a penis popper with 7/1/6/320/850, and Saksen's Fave Paul Goldschmidtensteinsilverberg posted a 5/3/4/261/998. That's a mitzvah! Also, some d00d named Chris Davis had 4/3/5/238/958. Who is that guy again? Hm, weird. you should prob trade him.
The gh3y boiz split pitching stats 2/2/2. I didn't see brown had picked up Scott Kazmir until now and it makes me laugh out loud. Remember last year when he was the subject of our first and only "Where Are They Now?" trivia? That dude wasn't even supposed to make the Indians roster and now he's been dealing the last three weeks. Well, it probably won't last for very long but good for Matt for having a shiteating smile and stupid dickface. BTW- matt's dickface was really apparent at saksens wedding every minute of every day. In case you guys didn't know, matt makes a lot of friends when he's drinking. He's definitely not a liability in the least bit and he definitely doesn't annoy every person around him. He's a great drinking buddy, especially when you ask him to be quiet, because, you know, the manager already threatened to call the cops.
As always, Yu know Who had a sweet week with a win and 14k's, and Matt Cain had his first good start since the start of the year (end of last year?) with 7 k's and a win. Weirdly matt had no saves.
Kenley Jansen, of all people, led Austin in strikeouts with 10, and also had 3 saves. WTF, and zero earned runs? Weirdly awesome line for him. Tom Wilhemsen kind of fucked up and got DFA'd after getting buttplastered and allowing 4 (5?) runs to the yankees without getting an out. peace. Not great ERA's for austin across the board.
Also, Austin, you put it in a great performance at the wedding. Where did you STAY?? You just disappeared?
You both are still bitches in my book. I never liked either of you.
Also, congrats charlie for the first clinching of a playoff spot with this complete dismantling of Dan.
Charlie's all-stars were led by Dan's own Freddie Freeman 9/2/8/375/1038, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Sterling marte,..fuck the list goes on. Basically everybody did well except Adam Jones and Carlos Gonzalez who was hurt as shit (see above).
For Dan....Well Votto had a good week (for a supporting player) 4/1/5/438/1390, while Kyle Seager had another productive week 4/1/3/2/348/1091...and the rest were all easily replaced with Hiram Bocachica and dan's stats wouldnt have changed one bit.
This was actually a good matchup on the bump. Charlie won it 3-2 after taking wins handily and WHIP. I'd say he better fucking do that since he used 13 pitchers compared to Dan's 8. Dan just got ridiculous numbers from Samardzjia in two starts. Though he took a loss he had 16k's, 2.08 era, 1.31 whip. Matt Garza also tweeted himself into the minds and hearts of every A's fan while taking a loss, and racking up 11k's on the week (see: below).
For Charlie's 46 pitchers he got quality depth from Francisco Liriano (congrats on the sleeper back from super injury) and Jered Weaver (fuck the Angels). Charlie has too many pitchers to list, but good job picking up Joaquin Benoit as well. I swear your entire roster is nothing but dudes you picked up hoping to hit the jackpot. That's how it's won, I suppose. And this is why everybody roots against you time and time and time again.
Oh, and of fucking course Wei-Yin Chen had 9k's and win as a stream.
I hope one day you get a really bad case of diarrhea charlie, and think of this message as all of us saying "that's what you get for beating us all the time" :)
Matt Garza making hella phrenz because he can't handle some bunting
Also, I've said this before but wasn't Eric Sogard an extra in Office Space? Copiers of Oakland beware...
Jordan Zimmerman: 1w, 5k, 0er, 1.33WHIP
Jose Fernandez: 1w, 14k, 0er,0.50WHIP
Madison Bumgarner: 1w, 11k, 1.29ERA, 1.43WHIP.
Well, that's pretty fucking nasty right there. But Ben's overall pitching stats were fucking pretty nasty. 81k?!?!? 6 wins?! a 1.9 ERA?? AND A WHIP of 1.01?!? FUuuuuuuuck. Keep that up the rest of the year and you might find yourself beating me in the first round (this will probably happen, my team is freeeeeeeefalllllinggg).
On offense it was 3-2 Ben, but his average was fucking terrible. Almost as bad as mine.
He was led by 12/1/7/346/969 from muthafucking Jason Heyward who seems to be getting his dickslang back in black. Mark Trumbo also had a typically Trumbonerian week 6/3/8/.138/642 and Justin Morneau (he's still a player?) also had a nice week dropping 3/2/4/320/1010.
Ged was led MVP candidate Andrew McCutchen with 8/1/7/2/379/1027 who is a bad ass mutha. Probably would have been a better pick lower in the first round, not at #3, but still he's nasp333. Buster Posey is hella tight, 2/0/1/350/831. Dude the giants are scraping the bottom of the barrel. Enjoy it, Padres fans. It's 2007 all over again.
Ged also had good pitching, he was just stuck as a really nice tree in a lumber yard against Ben's buzz saw. Teheran had a win and 11ks, AJ had a win and 18ks, Ervin Santana also dealt getting two wins and 13ks, and CJ wilson had 13 k's but his 7 era kept ged from seriously competing for ERA. Ditto Justin Timber-Arroyo with his loss and 17era.
Kaperzz. Also, ged and i kissed and it was SO nice.
Really, my team fucking sucks right now. Scutaro and Reddick are both complete dogshit abortions. I keep waiting for Reddick to snap out of it and after watching him bat the last week, I might release him. He looks fucking lost at the plate, I think his wrist is still hurt and it's affecting his approach at the plate. The A's, meanwhile, are doing their best impression of the Giants and sucking fat fucking cock. Maybe my hubris about October baseball in Oakland was premature.
I actually beat Josh in hitting stats, 3-2, which was a shock. Don't you think your 7 steals was enough to beat me in that category, Josh. DON'T YOU THINK THAT WAS ENOUGH??!?
Anyways, Yasiel Puig and Dan's favorite Edwin Encarnacion were enough to help me to a victory. Prince Fielder has quieted a bit but I expect him to pick it back up. Maybe the Grandyman can help my sad sack smoosh some more bitches at Karma.
Detroits own Torii Hunter led Josh's charge into my vast abyss with 3/2/4/294/1059, while Chris Johnson, sorry, LEAGUE LEADER IN BATTING AVERAGE Chris Johnson had 4/1/6/423/1098. Ian Kinsler had 7/1/4/1/214/651, while J Roll and Daniel Murphy had two steals apiece. Odds J Roll starts swinging for the fences now that the Phillies are shitty again? HIGH. And PED Cabrera is now gone. Peace.
David Price made me weep with a 1w and 13k's against the Gigantes, while Jacob Turner had 10k's (who the fuck is Jacob Turner?). Bens three streamers gave him the win in K's, though my sitting of Mat Latos probably didnt help my cause as I left 11k's and win on the bench. COURSE.
All in all, I might be lucky to make the playoffs. And Fucking Josh sits in sixth, primed to pump the pussy that is Bonerland playoffs.
The time is near boys, playoff spots are up for grabs and there isn't much time left!
And now a brief slideshow of Saksen's wedding!
Where I was giving handjobs.