WEEK 9 DI$H

U in your bobbum smore, making your bobbum sore

A FANCIFUL RIDE THROUGH BONERTOPIA

It would be a lie to say I was excited to write this di$h. I've been jotting down ideas all week but the creative juices just aren't flowing. I think I wasted them all on Stephanie Tanner after those goddamned internets tricked me about the 'New Full House.'

In all seriousness the Commish family lost a grandparent this week and most of my energy has been devoted to re-arranging my schedule to be at Jess' grandmother's funeral in Minnesota this weekend. She wasn't much of a pretend footballer but she was a great lady and will be missed.

So instead of torturing you all with my usual erection-laden prose, I'm just gonna list a bunch of things I find interesting. Stick tap to Dan for obsessing about how bad his team is III MMMEEAAANNNN alerting me to some interesting Yahoo prognostications.

Florida Continues to Lead Universe in Weird Shit

What the shitting fuck is happening in Miami?! Every news release and interview that comes out seems to contradict everything previously. Here are my favorite parts:

Ricky Williams felt the need to speak saying Richie Incognito was the victim of the situation. Here's where it gets good - several years ago as teammates, Incognito reached out to Williams for help with his anger management problem. Life advice from Ricky Williams - that's a big strike against Incognito.

Antrel Rolle wanted ESPN to know that Jonathan Martin was equally at fault for the bullying of Jonathan Martin, because he let it happen. You read that correctly. I wonder what Antrel tells rape victims. Strike against Rolle.

Following interviews with current Dolphins players, some tiny white dude on ESPNNews reported that MULTIPLE teammates felt Incognito was "more black" than Martin. That was not where the ridiculousness stopped. This tiny dude then goes on to describe what characteristics make someone, and I quote, "one of those people." Traits listed included toughness, how you carry yourself, how you grew up and thinly veiled references to fighting and talking shit. Some of that comes from direct quotes from a (presumably black, but unnamed) Dolphin but it seemed like this dude editorialized what it was to be a black player in the NFL, and it was not exactly complimentary. Such a trainwreck and I can't for the life of me find it. Everyone gets a strike on this one.

There are about a hundred supporters of Richie Incognito as a tolerant preacher, and another hundred claiming he was an n-word flinging racist. Maybe the latter people just didn't realize Incognito was actually a black person?

What really strikes me is that within a day official Dolphins press releases went from 'no comment' to 'internal investigation' to 'Incognito is suspended indefinitely' so THEY clearly think Incognito is as big of a horse's ass as he seems.

Ryan Tannehill thinks Martin and Incognito are like brothers, and he should know as QBs frequently hang out with the O-line. But if anyone looks/sounds like a downhome Southern racist it's Tanny.

Every player in the NFL has come forward alleging similar financial abuse as Martin has received. Incognito may not be racist, so why did this kid get more abuse than others to the point where he checks into a hospital? He did it privately so no clamoring for attention. I heard a theory on the radio that Martin is gay and that was the center of his torment, which is about the only thing that would actually make sense. While Incognito is clearly a retarded and unstable d00sh, he may not be a racist, but he could no doubt be a homophobe, as could all the equally dooshy guys defending him. There's no such thing as one guy abusing another in a locker room and others having no part in it; Incognito's current supporters may have been past enablers. We shall see, probably 100 twists and tuns before we have some answers.

And let's not forget that Richie got kicked off of his teams at Nebraska (twice) and Oregon, then was shoved out of St. Louis for off-the-field issues. Clearly a habitual line-stepper. One hundred strike-outs, congratulations you're Juan Uribe.

Check out my Little Bits

Poor Pete Shenkin: At the beginning of the season I thought Pete drafted like a retarded schoolgirl on painkillers but would luck his way to relevance. Pete has proceeded to score way more than all but one team yet sits at 3-6. Turns out fantasy god isn't Yahweh.

In week 8 Pete set the record for points with 212, offensive points with 197 and touchdowns with 18. For comparison, Dan has 48 TDs on the year. Pete still sucks tho, stupid Jew. Add that to your poetry slam.

Greg and Charlie set the records for receiving (695) and rushing yards (591) in week 9 of this year. Jon set the least receiving yards record week 6 against Commish-on-high with 129. Beat it Jon we don't talk your china talk round here.

Seriously how are 7/10 teams under .500?! This is obliteration of the middle class as has not been seen since the Obama administration. This league has always been normally distributed but some disturbing trends are emerging, unless you're Joey Chuck or JC *TRIPLE KISS*

Speaking of the three bonerteers we are the only three guaranteed a .500 season. Looking back through the anals of Late Night no team has made playoffs without going >.500, a 7-7 team has never once made the playoffs (once we went to 10 teams in 2010). This may be the year to do it, so you basement dwellers may have a chance...

Relegation, by the way, has a symmetrical, but flat, bell curve distribution 8-1(1); 7-2(1); 6-3(1); 5-4(2); 4-5 (2); 3-6 (1); 2-7(1); 1-8(1).

Oren holds the season wins mark after going 11-5 in 2012 while ass-blasting his way through the playoffs. I think JoeJoeBear has a shot at the record with a relatively light schedule ahead.

Four managers have been in Late Night since its inception: Dr. JC, Catb0i, Durso and Drelich. The only one without a name change is catboi, and that's NOT working out for him as he is way out in front with losses at 40.

The Half Moon Bay Boyz are the winningest franchises in Late Night history with 38 wins and a tie each. Oren may get credit here too as he has 37 wins and 3 ties. Seriously three ties?!

Matt won his championship in the inaugural year after a 4-10 regular season in a 6 team league. Turns out luck goes both ways catb01 #2012playoffs #neverforget #also2013regularseason

Late Night Legacy records:
Durso 38-33-1
Saksen 38-34-1
Oren 37-31-3
Catboi 32-40

Fuck Matt the more history I look at the worse you are. You would have been relegated twice, including your championship year. Maybe your nine lives are up.

Oren's original team name: Just the Tip.
I still love that

Joey's original name: mcvick's reign.
I can't for the life of me imagine why. Turns out he has always been awful at names.
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Faces in the Crowd

DIRK DIGGLER: Nick Foles 49* points made a comfy little nest I could crawl up into and fall asleep, feeling so secure. Reminds me of [anyone who reads this]'s mom.

WILD CARD: Riley Kooper led all unowned scorers with 32 points, but remains a white wide receiver with a tie to the worst name in Late Night. Sweet waiver use Dan.

ANTI-NIRVANA: Lacey gets top honors here (and only here) for sitting Brady's 37 inches of pure power. This almost makes up for the manure piles he's left throughout the season. Honorable mention to Matt and Greg benching Ivory's 19 and Dobson's 25. Nothing to change any results tho.

PERFECTION: If you were a better manager you could have gotten 392 this week.
qbs Foles 49*, Brady 37
wrs Andre 45, Kooper 32, TY 31*, Cotchery 25
rbs CJ2K/Stacy 29, AP*/Jennings/Forte 23
te Graham 23
flex wr Cotchery 23 rb AP*/Jennings/Forte 23 te gronk 20
dst KC 26
K Folk 16

* - That's right folks, all distinguished Catfish. Eat my slop
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To the Matchups...

Penetration Occurred: Who needs predictions?! Joey tore through Pete's behymen like he was a defense on the waiver wire. Andre Johnson was really trying to get that Diggler award but Case Keenum couldn't fluff him quite enough. Wasn't Case Keenum the hockey player guy in TMNT? Sounds like it. Pete was led by his Defense which I would usually lol at but it was to the tune of 26p. Losing to Roethlisberger and Ponder must hurt, but I'm not hearing any of Pete's 'poor me' nonsense this week, you deserve to lose if you score in the bottom half. Yes I realize the irony of that statement.

Matt. Be Better: If you have 3 0s on your roster, you're gonna have a bad time. When the third pick in the draft scores 3p you're also going to have a bad time. When a waiver wire pickup QB outscores your QBs...well you get the picture. CJ2K is ramping up just like he did last year so there's pretty much the only cat bright spot. Cinci will go back to inexplicably handing the ball to a WWII era troop transport. Despite being thinned by the bye weeks Chuck got strong weeks from Stacy, Forte and both QBS and put up a big score. Def the first time 180 was only 4th best.

Pulverized: Yahoo liked my week so much they used my favorite scrabble word to describe it. PR for points, WR for point differential, the dude abides. An injury to Aaron Rodgers, while heartbreaking for me, is even worse for the Jiz Finleys. At least the Packers have a chance at the playoffs. Nick Foles probably deserves some love here, none of Oren's players do. I switched Morgan and Royal like five times Sunday AM, if I had done it 6 I'd have WR points. There's always next week...

Power Game: All the numbers on Greg's side are higher than the ones on Jon's side. Did he break it? What does high score mean? It's finally time to come pay the piper for living in Greg's garage and generally making his life miserable for a couple years Jon. He basically just played his 5-7 suited against your pocket queens and caught a set. It's not like you obsess over your roster constantly and use it as a gauge of your self-worth

Not worth my time: Dan lost.


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Pozishunzz

This week's positions brought to you by choking. If you're not blue, it's not for you amirite!!?1

QB
1) Jiz 413 2) HD 385 3) FYRB 365 4) KKK 329 5) TDS 304 6) Red 299 7) JC 274 8) DCS 258 9) K4t 257 10) Ugh 243

WR
1) JC 402 2) KKK 362 and RED 362 4) TDS 354 5) DCS 330 6) Ugh 286 7) Jiz 278 8) HD 274 9) cat 262 10) Bush 213

RB
1) TDS 337 2) ugh 317 3) HD 300 4) jc 298 5) kkk 239 6) cat 220 7) Jiz 216 8) bush 215 9) Red 214 10) DCS 197

TE
1) fyrb 149 2) kat 97 3) red 213 4) JC 78 5) dcs 71 and tds 71 7) kkk 66 8) hd 62 9) jiz 39 10) Ugh 38


Predixxx

Stalemate: Joey rolls the dice with Andre Brown, profits. Jon will sit his two most productive QBs. Both teams have awful matchups, look for McCoy to lead all scorers. Steven Jackson 11 rush -3 yards and a td, you heard it here first. Joey squeaks out a close one 140-131

Roughshod: Holy shit Charlie's RBs are good, they should all huf and puff and blow down Lacey's straw hut. Jake Locker exercises some demons and power jerks on Jax. Shocker special; Lacey loses despite solid effort 189-145

Housewarming Gift: I'm getting you one. It's a package full of Eddie Lacy's dick. It's hard for teams to be ready for Thursday games, but you know AP will be. I'm concerned about Eli pulling a Foles and farting on my birthday cake with Vjax's help. I know not engaging in Dan's reverse hex shit talk is going to cost me but fuck it. Catfish Best. JC 160-139

Stretching: Greg will be using his bye week to stretch out Josh McCown's arm. Greg's WRs put up 60 and Matt's RBs run up 45, but obvi he loses. Spiller? Who fucking knows. Commish Fave back on track 168-129

Thin: Pete's WRs and Oren's RBs wouldn't start on Matt's poc-marked roster. Super not deep on the roster front. Woodhead will be a monster if this game goes as planned. Arizona's D leads Oren's non-Manning roster but Pete holds on for the win after Hartline fails to deliver on monday night 130-122

Ugh. Back to work.