Week 19: Surrender your asterisk

Or I'll fuckin kill you

I'm gonna save my usual shitty non-monologue for next week. Shocker.

Lines of the Night

Tuesday: Joan Smoothers: 1g, +2, 4sog, 13fw, 1hit

Wednesday: CatPasey: 2g, 7a, -9, 2pim, 6ppp, 13sog, 16fw, 11hit, 7blk

Thursday: Zamboners: 4g, 15a, +10, 14pim, 6ppp, 19sog, 37fw, 7hit, 12blk

Friday: NeonDion PewpMachine: 1g, 4a, 1ppp, 6sog, 10fw, 6hit, 4blk

Saturday: Zamboners: 1g, 10a, +5, 8pim, 5ppp, 18sog, 35fw, 11hit, 12blk

Sunday: CatPasey: 2g, 5a, -7, 6pim, 1ppp, 25sog, 42fw, 16hit, 9blk

Week 19 Matchups

Nana nana boo boo........stick ur head in doo doo (ELBOWs 7, Droplets 4):

Ryan had some mild absenteeism this past week, so you KNOW the ELBOWs were gonna put the pewps all over his upper chest and chin. If you think my boi Hartnell wasn't gonna surrender those 20 PIM then you were clearly trippin on that dope. A solid end of the week secured my cute little asterisk, but unlike some people named Brian, I don't need to flaunt it via snap chat. I'm always flexing bro.

I don't blame Ryan for being semi checked out for this matchup, because IT'S TIME FOR LULU'S LOVE CORNER Y'ALL!!!!

;-* Lulu's Love Corner ;-*

Ooooooooo MAMA am I hellaaaa jelluuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ;D I really like what's going on with that drink btw. Nothing says Guize Nite Out like some Razzleberrytinis and heavy petting. All you were missing was Charlie with the Weedish Fish, then you'd really have a....wait, Charlie doesn't party.

Pop those bewbz don't stop (Beast 11, Joan 2):

Sweet goalie starts Brian. This is how I think of this matchup:

Every morning, seven 6" miniature Saksens would wake up naked in 7 little beds, each crank one out while still in bed, not clean it up, then gather around a breakfast table (still naked) and eat a Golden Corral and Arby's feast. Then they would gather their mining equipment and march in unison to the salt mines while singing "hi-ho, hi-ho, to plow some ass we go." All day long they would chip away at the salt mines until they brought home enough TO THROW IT ALL OVER BRIAN'S PHAT B00BZ. Once again, sweet goalie starts Brian.

Charlie Brown (Zamz 8, Meows 4):

It's a good thing playoff spots aren't doled out based on ability to party, cuz otherwise Charzy wouldn't be anywhere close to the playoffs ;) Instead, Charlie gets one step closer to fulfilling his own prophecy with this win over the Cat. Ryan Miller's move to STL could be a boon for the Zamz, so look for a trade offer from Charlie offering Miller for your two best forwards and probably also your best defenseman. 32 fucking assists is pretty unholy for essentially a five day matchup. And a hat trick from Franzen?!?! It's that time of the year - Charlie has flipped his fantasy luck switch! ;p Suck a dick, son ;)

Battle for heaviest drinker goes to....AUSTIN SSSSHHHHHHHH (SHARP 7, Neon 4):

Jk it goes to Pete.

In the blink of an eye, the Neonz have found themselves in the epicenter of a trAIDS epidemic. Steve Ott - rendered useless now for the Blues. Luongo to the Panthurz? Ruh roh. The Dionz have faced adversity before. Do you remember that time Pete started the first month of the season with at least three players on the IR? Do you remember that time he surged back with a glowing clue to slay hoodrats seven weeks in a row? Do you remember that time he walked barefoot all over..the broken glass..that was pretty bad ass.

..do you..d-do you remember that time you said "the love you take is equal to the love you make"?

Is that true?

Congratz on dem (Pasey 8, Lamorneus 5):

Hot Ice's favorite shutter uppers are currently on a backcountry splitboard adventure, likely making ice caves, cuddling for body heat, and sticking their avalanche poles in each others' bobbums. Pat finished the week with an ever-impressive -24, while Chris finished a clean +0. TJ Oshie? Opposite of Olympic Oshie. Luckly Lucic and Ovi picked up the slack with a combined 5g, 4a. Not a whole lot to say about Chris' team, as is tradition.

Week 19 Awards

Goalies Best: Hot Ice Beast, SHARPNADO

Domesticated: THAT IS NOT AN ELBOW Allllright, I can no longer fend off the award. The rumors are true, this week decidely goes to me. Fuck me in my butt with a shovel. I'm coming strong with the 1-2 punch this week though, so don't even try to step to my domestication game.

Ugggghhhh, Exhibit A:

Exhibit B: I'mjustgonnasayitrealquickBlaireandIhavebeendoingyogatogether BUT....it was my idea (does that make it better?). It was her idea to wear the matching pink yoga pants tho.

I don't even give a care, because check out all the positions I can do now (in order of difficulty):

  1. Praying Penis Viper
  2. Tenderloin Sidewalk Loaf Pinch
  3. Facial Foot Massage (via Wide Sideward Scissors)....this one is really fucking sttttupid
  4. Warm Prowler (we don't do Bikram, so we can't do the Hot version. That's really advanced stuff)
  5. Standing Spock Assault
  6. Missionary Matthew (only at the end, when the lights are off. All clothes have to be on too)
  7. Sneaky Scorpion
  8. Naughahyde the Salami
  9. Door Frame Head Blaster
  10. Fartbox Tongue Punch

All in all, I have no regrets, but go ahead....make all the fun you want. It's made my ankle and knee feel way better since that fateful day (June 23rd) when that big oaf Saksen obliterated my knee. Just remember....jealousy is a stinky cologne.

Week 20 Predictions

ELBOW Beast: Son of a bitch. Obvi I can't handle Saksen's army of goalies, and he still somehow has more skaters going than me. What the fucking fuck. This is deja vu. Beast 7, ELBOWs 5

Cat Droplets: Can Ryan take advantage of a slaloming Pasey? Not so fast, he's probably too busy jet setting to Menver for some hawt action from either Leto or his gal pal. Danglez 7, Pasey 5

Joan Meow: Matt is pretty much out of playoff contention, and Brian might be checked out too? Clash of the auto pilots? Joan 8, Meowzerz 4

Austin Charlie: Charlie is still comin for those munz, and dammit to hell if Austin is gonna let him. Jk, with an asterisk and a full week of Cal Trains, he totally will. Zamz 8, SHARP 3

Neon Power: It's Pete's lucky week if he still plans on not dropping off. Chris has wisely set his lineup but will be too deep in Matterhorn to make any m00vz. Pewp 8, Power 4

Haz a gud weekend, and don't 4get 2 shut the fuck up,