Scientific Times

Surgery Causes Huge Spike in IQ

Scientists have finally discovered how to increase human intelligence! Recently, a young man with an extremely low IQ, named Charlie Gordon, underwent the surgery of a lifetime. Before the surgery, Charlie worked as a janitor at Donner’s Bakery, but he could barely read and write. In fact, he was at the academic level of a 2nd grader. After the surgery, completed by Professor Nemur, Charlie not only became smarter, but became a genius, raising his IQ from 70 to 185. Now, Charlie can read and write on a high intellectual level and is able to relate to people.

Prior to Charlie’s surgery, scientists tested the surgery on a mouse named Algernon. Before Algernon's surgery, he was just an average mouse. After the surgery, Algernon became significantly smarter, able to solve mazes that he couldn't solve before the surgery.

When Charlie was a young boy, he went to the public school despite his issues. According to Charlie, this was mostly because his mom could not accept the fact that he was intellectually challenged. Throughout Charlie's years growing up, he was constantly bullied, tormented, teased, and physically harassed. Throughout this bullying, Charlie believed that everybody was his friend.

To track Charlie’s progress, Professor Nemur, Charlie's doctor, told Charlie to start writing frequent progress reports before and after the surgery. The progress reports are similar to diaries, used to document Charlie's intellectual progress and how he's handling himself emotionally. In his first few progress reports, Charlies wrote poorly, but then Charlie’s writing progresses. One example of Charlie’s progression is when Charlie writes, ”He sed sit down Charlie and make yourself cunfortible and rilax.” In a later progress report, Charlie writes, “Only a short time ago, I learned that people laughed at me. Now I can see that unknowingly I joined them in laughing at myself. That hurts the most.” As shown in the two quotes, Charlie’s grammar and spelling significantly improved.

To continue to increase his intelligence level, Charlie has to take private lessons from a teacher named Alice Kinnian. Miss Kinnian teaches Charlie many things, including tense, punctuation, grammar and spelling. Now, Charlie is a genius thanks to the surgery, and understands most of his younger life.

This is a major scientific breakthrough. Now, we will be able to make people geniuses, which can lead to more breakthroughs. This could also lead to cures for world problems such as poverty, hunger, and violence. The people with the surgery would have no boundaries on what is possible. After all, if you can problem solve your way through a maze, you can definitely solve world problems.


Sunday, June 7th, 7pm-12am

The Park

Come to the Festival of Ursa Minor. This Monday, 7:00 pm to midnight! Admission only $42, meals not included.