Rebel Alliance Dish

The Pentagon Palace of Pounding Pete Prolifically

Pete, why are you the way that you are?

The Office - "Why are you the way that you are?"

It had to be done...

Pete has been derelict in his duties as commissioner and dish writer, so with coups going on in Egypt and elsewhere, we thought, "Why not in Bonerland too?" This league deserves better than having no dishes for more than a month and some mediocre bullshit when Shenkboner actually decides to write one (like last night!). That's not America...that's not even Mexico. Here's how this started...

Saksen sent out an email to a select few on Saturday:

A dish must be written. What's the point of slapping Dan if we all can't join in the shit-talking with which it will undoubtedly be associated. If we split it up it won't be as daunting. Plus no one wants to hear Pete's sad stories of scooping up ugly blacked out bar flies.

So - we could split up one dish (each take a matchup or two) or rotate. If you want to rotate I call second-to-last as there's no fucking way I'm researching a dish and planning a wedding. And slapping Dan.


Who's in?

ps - Shutup Dan


This begat some back-and-forths between Saksen, Ged and Brown about considering rotating, with Ged adding, "are we seriously rewarding Pete's sloth? He gets to do jack shit in Maui indefinitely AND not have to write a weekly dish?!"

Then I added my two cents with a prescient email:

I'd rather split than rotate (although Saksen, you can go split AND rotate on my little peen) because hopefully if we write one really good and cruel combined dish showing a united rebel alliance front, it'll embarrass Pete and he'll finally do his damn duties.

BriChi gave some input.

Can i suggest a name change?: the pentagon palace of pounding pete prolificly. Theres sooo many p's in that powerplay.

So that was the tentative plan and I fired up this Smore page while asking for some submissions to get it started. However, most of these trick ass bitches were just as big of derelicts as the erstwhile commissioner they sought to overthrow and weren't sending me shit, so I decided to leak word of the rebel alliance forming to Petey Pablo. Then Ged bowed out of the alliance for shady, unknown reasons. Did Pete get to him? Most likely.

Brian tried to stop him.

J3d, by the time you leave the alliance, you'll already be dead. we need you to casually deflect pete's inevitable crackpot response to the alliance. a simple 'shut up pete' at the right time is all we ask

in fact, id be perfectly happy with a rebel alliance dish that just said 'shut up pete' over and over, but in various arrangements on the page like in the shining

Meanwhile, Matt texted me on Monday to say he was going out of town on Wednesday, and thus wouldn't be able to send me any pictures or simple paragraphs of shit-talking (huh?). Saksen, the originator of all this, never sent shit either. The goddamn alliance had fallen apart.

Then I opened my email this morning to find that Pete's limp dick had squirted out a meager offering to appease the restless masses, so now I guess I might as well send out what we had up til last night.
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Spread yo sheetz

First off, some sabermetric analysis from our own Hahvahd whiz-kid BriChi:

BOIZ.

i put together a rotisserie analysis that shows us where we stand category by category, and then compared this to our actual seeding in bonerland. Not surprisingly, pete's team sucks yet still is in line for a playoff spot. COURSE. Also irritating is the fact that Josh's team is clearly the worst in the league yet he's also in line for the playoffs. The flip side of that coin is that Stegall and I are getting shafted like whoa. Hopefully this stuff evens itself out as the second half moves on. Happily, Dan is right where he should be, in the gutter.

Here's Brian's spreadsheet proving that Pete is indeed a lucky ass bitch.

Week 14 Matchups

Pete already did these so no need to get into it except that yes, I dominated my matchup to kickstart what will be the greatest cumback Bonerland has ever seen (until Matt cunt punts me this week anyways).

A rehash of Weeks 9-13

The lost episodes

Since Pete never did dishes for these weeks, let's give a quick summary of each team over that span.


Munzyball: Top-seeded Charlie had two of his three losses so far in this stretch, falling to fellow top team Catboi and also Pete's shitball team. But congrats on beating those other scrubs? I've been where you're at, and while you're flying high, you're a LITTLE too close to the sun. I look forward to seeing a mediocre team take your ass down in the playoffs (Pete? Or maybe me if the fantasy gods are willing to humor my sad cumback??).

The Cats Meow: Matt went 3-1-1, with his lone loss ALSO to Pete. Dammit, this dish is supposed to be about Pete being a useless asshole, so how did he beat you fucksticks?

Pauly D's Stixxxxxxx: Yes, Pete did beat the two top teams and went 4-1 in these weeks, but he also got his anus sabermetrically spread by Brian's Bungfields in Week 13 and he also has a small penis, so there's that.

Cobra Kai Dojo: Seriously, how is a team that's at .500 in fourth place in this league? And it's Austin??? We all suck. Austin went 3-1-1 in this stretch, including being the lucky recipient of a now patented Fist Pig Sunday collapse to end up tying my bitchass.

Toilet Dogs: Saksen started this stretch by winning a slap bet against me via yet ANOTHER Fist Pig Sunday collapse. I am the worst. Let's give Saksen the mic here: (ed note: Nope, I gave him the opportunity to gloat about winning the right to slap the shit out of me but couldn't even get him to write up something on that.)

Miguel's Scotch Club: Josh beat me with a THIRD Fist Pig Sunday collapse, although...really? 3 homers was all either of us could muster? We should just quit. That win capped a four-game win streak for Josh, but he then lost the next two to other middling teams, and as BriChi noted, really deserves to be in the dregs of the league.

JUMBACO! JUMBACO!: Steggall reeeeeally fell apart over these five weeks, losing the first four before winning the fifth over the T-Dogs. Then lost to the worst team in the league (Me). Will he get his shit back together? Remains to be seen.

Pterodactyl Ptweenis: A 2-2-1 stretch for Ged...normally I'd say just treading water isn't going to help you, but in this shitty bottom half of the league, I think you even moved up a spot or two with that five-week "run."

WhereFistPigsFly: Bodow went 2-3, but absolutely pasted me in Week 13, the fucker. It serves me right though because I made an emergency fill-in for him at a draft in another money league of his at the start of the year and apparently fucked it up as badly as I did my team in this league. Sorry?

Bungfield: Mr. Addison went 3-2, but going so deep into Pete's bunghole in Week 13 should really be worth at least one extra win. Let's hand the mic over to Brian to gloat over this win: (ed note: nope, couldn't get him to send anything on that either)

Field of Wet Dreamz: I don't know this Ben guy, but he beat me in Week 10 so I already don't like him. It was one of his two wins over the five-week stretch, although he lost handily to the top three in Charlie, Matt and cheatin' Pete.

WhereFistPigsRETURN: 0-4-and-fucking-1. I am a fantasy baseball abortion. Lost two of those and barely salvaged a tie in a third thanks to god-awful Sunday meltdowns. Oh and I'm going to get slapped. Can it be football season yet?

This Week in Match.com

I don't even need to say anything in response to the Meowi novella from our exaggerating, unreliable narrator of a commissioner. These two screenshots will suffice.

QUICK LEGAL NOTE: ALL IMAGES INCLUDED HEREIN ARE THE PROPERTY OF DEEZ NUTS AND CAN BE DISSEMINATED WHEREVER YOU WANT, BUT ONLY IF YOU GIVE ME IMPLIED CONSENT FOR ORAL.
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Meet the Rebel Alliance