Scotland Fortnightly

Scotland's breaking news every 14 days

Page One

SCOTLAND WINS

Extra! The results are in! Scotland has won the war! Macdonwald, the Thane of Cawdor, and the Noweigians are eliminated! Early this year, Scotland was in grave danger of destruction but through the bravery of our generals this land was preserved. First, King Duncan's forces faced down a relentless rebel, Macdonwald. Brave Macbeth faced down Macdonwald and reportedly, " Unseam'd him nave to the chaps". Smelling fresh blood, the Thane of Cawdor rebelled against Scotland. He allied himself with the Norwegian king and their joint attack tested the strength of Scotland's generals. The Norwegians and rebels were driven to the sea by Mabeth and Banquo and King Duncan had, "Great happiness". There are romurs that Macbeth's bravery in combat is to be rewarded with the title Thane of Cawdor. "What (the Thane of Cawdor) hath lost, noble Macbeth hath won", according to King Duncan.

DUNCAN MURDERED

Early last week, King Duncan's body was found in Cawdor Castle. Macbeth and Macduff discovered his body with multiple stab wounds lying in a guest bed. King Duncan's murder is attributed to his treacherous guards.This atrocious murder came after a party hosted in his honor by Thane Macbeth. Macbeth's discovery of the murder enraged him so greatly that he dealt swift justice to King Duncan's treacherous guards with the blade of his sword. The stunning nature of this murder spurred Donalbain to flee to Ireland and Malcolm to flee to England. Their hasty cowardliness has fled to another party taking the throne. Macbeth will take over control of Scotland at Scone with all the Thanes gathered. King Duncan will be missed, rest his soul, and god save Scotland.

BANQUO FOUND DEAD

Banquo went out for an afternoon ride before Macbeth's feast, but never arrived. After the feast Banquo was discovered dead in a ditch with multiple stab wounds along his body. There are rumors of four other men at the scene, with one of the men fleeing after the deed was done. Banquo's son, Fleance, is no where to be found and is suspected to be tied to the murder of his father. Macbeth has sent out his best men to find Fleance and the three other men to bring them back to the castle. Macbeth has set a bounty on Fleance and the three other men for anyone who finds them. Macbeth has become very distraught and upset about his best friends murder. Banquo will be missed greatly for his loyalty to Scotland and Cawdor.

MACDUFF FAMILY KILLED

Reports have trickled in to our head quarters that Macduff's family and staff were laid to rest by the sword. This act was not one committed by bandits or Norwegians, but by Macbeth's forces. This slaughter was prompted by Macduff's flight to England to join the exiled prince, Malcolm. Noble Macbeth,once again, defended Scotland with the blade of the sword and dispatched the rebels family. Macduff is a particularly cowardly rebel because he left his family defenseless. His Wife and children paid for his sins against Scotland in full with blood. Arrangements for their funerals have not yet been made. Our correspondents in England report that Macduff was shocked and un-willing to accept the reality of the situation.

MACBETH DEAD

Malcom, Siward, young Siward, and King Macduff go to war against Macbeth. Malcom and his army attacked Macbeth through Birnam Woods, disguising themselves with leaves and branches. Young Siward fought Macbeth shortly after the battle began, but lost because "thou wast born of a woman." As the end of the battle drew near Macduff fought Macbeth. Macbeth said "I bear a charmed life, which must not yiled to one of a woman born." Macduff told Macbeth that he "was from his mother's womb untimely ripp'd," and with that he killed Macbeth, endding the battle. After the victory Cawdor celebrated with Fife for a week. Hopefully Cawdor will be much better off with out Macbeth.
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Dear Abby

Dear Abby, I am contemplating over killing my best friend and his son or not. The other day he was told his son would become King in the future, but I am King already. What should I do? Should I kill them or should I allow his son to become King? - King Macbath

Dear King Macbath, This is a very hard decision to make. I would advise you not to do such an act as it will lead to a life of emotional distress and misery. I know of a "friend" that once did this and he now sees his best friend's ghost every where he goes and is constantly paranoid that someone is out to get him.

Potion of the Week

Welcome back my literate followers, this week we have a n extra special potion prepared for you. First, Second, and Third Witch have put together a potion of a whole new caliber. Last time, we brought you a potion so potent it would deprive a sailor of sleep, but this week is not even comparable. Get your cauldrons out because its brewing time. For this potion you will need toad entrails, eye of the newt, toes of the frog, wool of bat, tongue of dog, adders fork, blind-worm's sting, lizard's leg, howlet's wing, scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, Witches' mummy (Onion is a fine substitute), maw and gulf from salt-sea shark, root of hemlock, liver of a Jew, gall of goat, slips of yew, nose of Turk, Tartar's lips, and the finger of birth-strangled babe. Now let the potion sit until it starts to boil over, then cool it down with some baboon blood. Now an optional step is to add a touch of cinnamon for that freshly brewed potion smell. Readers, you have just crafted a potion to bring war to Scotland and downfall to Macbeth, join us next week for a shark tornado potion!

SPECIAL EXPOSITION!!

Doctor of Physic has agreed to provide us an inside exclusive on the recently exposed dangers of sleep walking. According to the doctor, many subjects will begin to talk in their sleep even revealing incriminating details. One anonymous patient even revealed information about her role in the murder of a high ranking government official! Doctor of Physic confided with us that a sleep walking person is capable of immense harm to both themselves and others. The doctor has revealed that some for his cases involved candles, knifes, and pikes! The doctor recommends that everyone removes potential dangers from their bed room such as but not limited to weapons, fire, animals, children, and nosy servants.

Heard it in the Hall

Alright you eavesdropping peasants, its time for the fortnightly gossip! Servants from all over Scotland sent in their favorite moments and we chose the best!


"What he hath lost, noble Macbeth hath won"-King Duncan


"Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here"- Lady Macbeth


"That which hath made them drunk hath made me bold"-Lady Macbeth


"What will you do? Lets not consort with them: to show an unfelt sorrow is an office"- Malcolm


"As the weird woman promised, and I fear thou play'dst most foully for't"- Banquo


"Thou canst not say I did it: never shake they gory locks at me"- Macbeth


"How did you dare to trade and traffic with Macbeth"- Hectate


"Who can impress the forest, bid the tree unfix his earth-bound root?"-Macbeth


"Wisdom! to leave his wife, to leave his babes, his mansion and his titles, in a place from whence he does fly?"- Lady Macduff


"Despair thy charm, and let the angel whom thou still hast served tell thee, Macduff was from his mother's womb untimely ripp'd"- Macduff


Well snooping peasants, that is all for this fortnight, join us next time for Scotland's juiciest gossip.

Ghost Sighting

There was a ghost sighting last Thursday night in Cawdor. Macbeth claimed to have seen the ghost of Banquo at his feast on Thursday night. There was also another sighting of this mysterious ghost a few days later near the witches meeting grounds, also by Macbeth. We asked around Cawdor to get some more information about these apparent sightings of "Banquo's" ghost. The people of Cawdor have all stated that they have not seen anything like Macbeth described, but they have seen a ghostly figure sneaking around at night. Could this actually be Banquo's ghost or is it the murderer of Banquo and King Duncan?