Baseball Bonerland!

Weeks 4, 5, 6! God, Matt is so fucking smarmy I hate it

Week Six Updated Standings

Big image

Important Points to Note:

(1) DAN. WHOOOOOAAA DAN. Remember this little gem?
Big image
(2) I am still in the top of the standings with my depleted roster. Y'all some bitches.

(3) Saksen and Austin are at the bottom of this league. All is well. Guys, I think Yahoo! offers tutorials on basic strategy if you're interested. I think the first one is about 'being better.'

(4) Ged is surprisingly at .500. This shocks me. He shall be watched.

(5) And just like last year Steggall, Bodow, and Charlie are in the playoff hunt.

Hey. You. Pay Me.

I think the grace period is over. I shouldn't have to threaten you with some horseshit. We are all grown ass men.


Steggall, Ben, Addison, Charlie, Ged (did you really not pay me?), Austin: OY, fucking pay meeeeeee.

Last Three Weeks in Summary

Big image
Big image
Big image

Power Rankings:

(1) The Cats Meow (3-0-0): Noted shit-eater Matt Brown is undefeated this season. Hasn't overwhelmed his opponents but has only lost 7 categories in the last three weeks. The whole world is rooting against him.

(2) Munzyball (3-0-0): Second place Charlie only has one loss to his name following up behind Matt. While more vulnerable than Matt, his 33 moves and constant roster updating have kept him one step above. However, he's faced two of the last place teams in the league recently, skewing his numbers.

(3) BeReliablePete (3-0-0) The Former Stixx have dealt with having a short roster well going 3-1 since Jose Reyes went down. The recent addition of Curtis Granderson should help offset the losses of Pierzynski and Reddick to the DL. Surprisingly, their pitching has been stronger than expected. However, similar to the Munzys, the Reliable's have faced 3 of the bottom rung teams in the league. They will not compete without better numbers against the elite teams in the league. Look for their stock to fall.

(4) Jumbaco! Jumbaco! (2-1-0) After the Jumbaco's curbstomp of Josh, they have struggled a bit the past two weeks. A loss to equally talented Bodow overshadows that he nearly lost the week before to fucking Austin who sucks. Steggall is slowing down as the season hits its second phase.

(5) Pterodactyl Ptweenis (2-1-0) Ged is charging hard to reach the top of the standings and it surprisingly in playoff position 1/4 the way through the season. Will Ged continue his charge or will he be more like the Pittsburgh Pirates and fall off in a few months?

(6) Field of Wet Dreamz (2-1-0): Benny Boy making a run of things after a less-than-ideal start. His team won't be elite this season but he may make the last few seeds of the playoffs. He's got the compete-factor in him and I appreciate that, taking down Bodow and Addison the past few weeks. A loss to Ged last week surely hurts team morale.

(7) WhereFistPigsFly (2-1-0): Bodow has the team to compete but will he keep it up all season. Early stumbles have him at the back of the pack as well but wins over Pat and Austin have kept him from falling even further. It's crowded at the back of the pack and it's going to be a nasty ride for these teams.

(8) Bungfield (1-2-0): All is not well in spreadsheet land. Just 2-4 on the season, Brian losses to similar teams Ben and Ged have put him in a bigger hole than he would have liked. Luckily, Brian didn't tank his entire season with the important victory over the aptly named Toilet Dogs. It's a long road from here to the playoffs but if anybody can do it, it's a problem solving genius-level janitor who cures genetic defects in the spinal column.

(9-12) Cobra Kai Dojo/Toilet Dogs/From First to Worst/ Miguel's Scotch Club (0-3-0): The cellar of Bonerland is pretty grim. Last year's wire-to-wire regular season champion, Dan, is an unexpected inclusion in these parts. Together, each of these teams is 1-4. Yipes. While there is a lot of season to be played none of these teams has shown the flash that they are going to rise up and reach .500 or above. Dan likes to fellate himself that he's suffering from bad luck, and maybe so, but the standings don't lie. Be better. I expect one of these teams to go on a run and make some noise but from here on out, I think you can circle these matchups as "can't lose" weeks on the calendar.



Week Four Matchups

Big image
A nice win for Ben swatting Brian around with the offense, though neither team hit particularly impressive percentage stats. Brian had an astonishing seven saves but Ben's ERA and WHIP sealed the deal into an 8-4 win. Good pitching from Brian just wasn't enough to beat Ben. Better offense would have helped this week for Brian.
Big image
Bodow came on strong in the counting stats taking all of them impressively. As narrow as batting average was, I wouldn't say that Bodow won them more as I would argue that Austin lost them. But hey, we can always blame that on Josh Hamilton, right? Austin had borderline great pitching stats this week with 6 wins, 70 ks, and a sub 3 era. Five losses? Well, not so great. Either way, a clean sweep on offense for Bodow was pretty much all she wrote this week.
Big image
So close to the sweept but it was a never realistic occurence because of Pat's already mentioned weak ass pitching strategy. At least you acknowledge it. Pat's counting stats are impressive while Josh's are about replacement level in this league. Pat won this clean sweep over Josh, as Josh did enough in the percentage stats to at least compete. If Josh had another closer he maybe could have parried Pat's bullpen attack but when your offense gets pounded like it did here there is only so much you can do to fight him.
Big image
A battle amongst boifrenzz came down to the wire with Charlie (of course) eeking it in strikeouts. One more RBI for Ged and it's tied. Maybe if you hadn't been pondering the pro's and con's of Mark Methot for two hours you could have figured out a hitter who was likely to salvage the tie for you, boo :) While not impressive both of you had a very similar week on offense, earning the unusual 2-2-2 tie. While Ged's pitching numbers were pretty decent he was outgunned by Charlie's doubled-down bullpen. Chalk another one to the Munzy's. This could have been a huge win for Ged.
Big image
Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan. You got beat, bitch. Another clean sweep for Matt who only lost wins and strikeouts, the categories he aims to lose every week. Dan came close-ish in the counting stats but really fucked himself with a terrible percentage week. Five wins aren't bad, five losses are bad. Despite that you kept the WHIP surprisingly close. I think at this point I would have liked to have seen you win over Dr. Smarms. Alas, the gap between you two boners grows at the same rate as Charlie's does watching Dan plummet in the standings.
Big image
ooh daddy, thats nasty. Saksen, I would like to congratulate you on an epic Sunday collapse that you would easily rather forget. If none of you recall Saksen was beating me like 9-2 until the final sunday when I went on a tear and he went collectively 2-40 with zero counting stats or something horrific. CAPERZZZ. You manhandled my pitching staff this week, what a pathetic performance on my part. But my offense does not suck, so beat it bitch. Back to the bottom for you.

Week 5 Matchups

Big image
Pat's top heavy offense does it again with super sexy counting stats. You know you're having either a GREAT week or a REALLY SHITTY week when your homers match your stolen bags. All that production plus a .314 average and a 877 ops? Damn, negro.

Austin hit you where you were vulnerable on the pitchers mound and nearly got you. Damn. A stroke of luck with one of Austin's pitchers and it's a tie. Unfortunately, close only counts in bonershoes and bonergrenades. The rich get richer and the asian get more confrused.

Big image
Matt is a boner. Nobody likes him.


Josh, everybody likes you and wants you to do better. You had a decent offensive week but you still lost to Matt :( That must have hurt as much as your wallet in SF buying Matt all those drinks. Well, no, probably not. Matt's offense was vulnerable this week but Josh failed to capitalize on his opening. It looks like sweeping Matt's offense is the key to conquering his quad-closer pen. Especially with Jason Grilli closing like he was me on Maui. Cocks.

Big image
I said God Damn Joe Rogan. All respect to Dan, but Saksen might be the hardest luck cellar dwellar. 34/14/33 and he lost all three? Shit, negro, that sucks. You deserved to lose average and steals but the other four would give you a 4-2 category win 90% of the time. That' brutal but it underscores how awesome Charlie's week here. Saksen made his run in pitching but it was futile. This is a hard luck loss for Mike and an outstanding win for Charlie. Savor the flavor Charlie because wins like this don't happen often.
Big image
Speaking of savoring the flavor of unlikely wins, I did not deserve to win this matchup in any way, shape, form, or magic trick. But sure enough I did. That only highlights how SHITTY your team was this week, Dan. So, so, so, so bad. SO BAD. Like worst place for SURE bad. Beat it hobo. You're not even a person.
Big image
Another nice win by Ben. He took advantage of a below-average week by Bodow and pushed him down for the pin. Nothing truly special here except for Ben's ERA and WHIP but either way he was better than Mike. Mike should be upset at his roster a bit for this performance, it's bitter luck that you didn't get any decisions and it's a rough fate that you were able to absorb only one loss and still lost the category. Some decent roster management by Ben to start just enough to get above innings pitched and still win 4 categories. 3 wins in that few starts is shrewd management. Touche, sir. That's how you small ball a win, boys.
Big image
Impressive win for the PrePtweens here with the power stats that surely excited his power vein. Brian stayed in the game with the strong percentage stats but was undone by his pitching staff. A 5.19 ERA and 1.63 WHIP aren't going to win you shit in this league. Win those two stats and the decision goes the other way despite Ged's counting stat domination. Another tough loss for team fangraphs.

Week Six Matchups

Big image
This was an important win for Brian to separate himself from the dogshit abortions in the basement. Saksen shit the bed on offense but was a hard luck loser again to Brian's thrifty management of his pitching staff. Unbelievably, Brians ERA was lower than his WHIP and both were below 0.5. Ain't shit you can do about that really. If one of those isn't outstanding this is a tie and if they were normal numbers this would have been a loss for Brian. Well, call it lucky, or say that his shrewdness saved his week and possibly season. A rare power explosion helped Brian crack 30 RBI's too. Sorry Mike, the world isn't fair sometimes. De anzzaaaaa.
Big image
Matt's power numbers are a joke sometimes. 14 bombs and 36 RBIs? Pretttay prettay good. Austin hit Matt hard on offense and made Matt squirm like the wiggly bitch that he really is. Nicely done, dude. You almost got him. Austin must have had great pitching numbers early in the week because Matt started several pitchers this week, a move he only would make if he was losing late. Austin made the right play but came up just short with the wins numbers. I bet if he had flipped a starter on the last day he couldve done it. Hats off, Austin, I think this is the closest anybody has come to beating Matt. BTW thanks for the dope trade Saksen, it really helped you. Paul Goldschidt is killing it.
Big image
A lackluster offensive week for both dudes had Bodow cum out slightly above Pat for the dub. Really, both of you performed below your averages this week, it was just Pat who did worse for the loss. The pitching was very competitive for the unusual 2-2-2 pitching tie. In the end, Bodows slight ERA and WHIP advantage (and I do mean fucking slight) eeked out the win. Well played sire. This is a really good and important win for Bodow in the first half of the season.
Big image
A grudge match between two fantasy elitests has turned into an afterthought now that Dan's roster is just dogshit. Despite an average week for Charlie, he outclassed Dan's quadruple-A roster of boner misfits on offense, sweeping all six categories. Dan streamed as many pitchers as he could to earn the split but really, this was over before it started. Dan your team sucks. See you next year?
Big image
Another below-average week for me on offense and yet, still I win. I'm getting pretty fucking lucky so far. My team's quality is not reflected by my teams place in the standings. HOWEVER, I did do this with 5 players on the DL for the week and several holes in my lineup. Praise be, fantasy gods for granting me this win. Again, my pitching staff has anchored my wins, bolstering me to a 3-2-1 win over Josh in the pitching categories. I probably shouldn't have won this matchup, but I did, and that makes me sexually aroused.
Big image
Ged is cummin strong and down to get the friction on every week on offense. Another clean sweep for the PrePtweens, though Ben made it really easy with terrible steals, avg, and OPS numbers. Terrible. Ged got some hard luck with so many losses this week but it didn't really fucking matter because Ben's offense made losing 4 of six pitching categories palatable. Ben your team is so mercurial, I don't know what you're going to put up from week to week. It's trending towards a bad week for you, though, so keep an eye on your shit.

This Week in Match.com

I'll wrap this shit up by telling a story about the dangers of sleeping with women who have children.


So, I met that girl Lisa and we've actually been hooking up a lot. She is divorced verrrrry recently (too recent for real comfort) and has a two year-old daughter. I told Lisa up front that I wasn't really comfortable going over to her place because (1) I didn't think it was a good idea to meet her child and confuse the poor kid, and (2) I am very weary of the super wigger jealous ex husband (who is a professional triathlete and HAS to know Leto) camping out and killing me.


Fast forward to Drinko De Mayo, I made some mistakes and ended up at Lisa's house. We did the dirty all night, and of course whiskey dick struck again, plus condom induced anesthesia didn't help. I woke up in the morning and Lisa was in the second bedroom playing with her daughter. Oh god, I forgot she told me that her daughter was coming over at 8am. uuuuuugh. So, I played possum for another hour and kept sleeping. Finally, Lisa put her daughter down for nap time and came in. Of course she wanted to go again, so we did. Then I passed out, only to be awoken a bit later by the cries of her daughter. Lisa gets up, goes into the other room and picks up her daughter. She carried her daughter out of the room over her shoulder and walked towards the kitchen. Well, that passes by the doorway of Lisa's bedroom where I am in bed, naked. I cover my shit up, and look up. I see Lisa's daughter staring into my eyes. She waves at me. I was like "ooooh fuckkkk." So, I said, "hello!" trying to be nice. Lisa says, "Oh, that's Peter." The daughter says, "Uncle? Uncle? Uncle?" "Um, yeah, sure." This is my nightmare. Uncle Pete. Sweet. I can't wait for the daughter to mention that to her daddy. Kheipz. This will catch up with me eventually on Maui.

AND WITH THAT LET'S BLACKOUT IN NEW ORLEANS

Well, FYI: Ged, Saksen, Brown, and I are headed to NOLA this weekend to celebrate Saksen's last pangs of bachelorhood. I'll see what I can do to chronicle all sorts of ill shit for hilarious discussion later. We don't get back until Monday so don't expect a dish until Wednesday/Thursday depending on our alcohol withdrawals which may be quite severe.
Thank you for your patience.