Week 12 Fantasy Baseball recap

Game changes and name changes

First, an introduction...

Welcome to the new and improved recap! GAME CHANGE. Pete tried this out at the start of the year when he was doing these things in our other league, but he has since been replaced by no one. That's right, no one writes them now. Pete's dereliction knows no bounds. Anyways, figured I'd finally give it a test drive, so let me know what you think. By the way, the settings are switched to private, so none of this nonsense will show up in any Google searches...this can only be found by clicking the link in your email. Plus, the NSA was already reading the ones by email, so fuck it, amirite?

With the game changes out of the way, let's talk some name changes...if you bastards changed out your lineups as often as you changed your names, your teams would be more competitive. Eliot is the Trollop Dodgers...I'm perplexed, does that mean you're avoiding promiscuous women? Explain yoself! And Jesse is now YuCanoFuckyourself, joining Pete as a team whose name references a guy (in his case Yu Darvish) who isn't even on his damn roster. At least Cano is. So confusing. I liked you better as the BENCHWARMING BONERS.

As for the matchups, Jesse and I won again (what else is new?), Pete's pretties hit a record number of bombs but only salvaged a lame-ass tie (and that was only because of some massive choking by Aaron's closer on Sunday) while Sean ended a long streak of sucking with a narrow victory. Congrats!

Ok, onto the fancy new recaps...

Jesse vs. Niko

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Fearsome FUCKS slaughter sorry Swansons

This looked like upset city through the first half of the week while Niko was riding high, but then Jesse said, "Yo Nancies, YUCANOFUCKYOURSELF" and pulled away for the win with a ridiculous four homers and 13 RBI on Friday alone. Paul Goldschmidt led the way, AS USUAL, with four HRs and a .364 average. What a dick. Speaking of dicks, ol' veiny Yoeny added two jacks, albeit with a measly .107 average. Cespedes was one of four of Jesse's dudes who hit homers but had averages well below .200, allowing Niko to salvage his lone win in the average stat. Big Papi, JJ Hardy and Giancarlo Stanton each hit a couple jacks for the Swansons, but it wasn't nearly enough.

Jesse also dominated on the mound, sweeping all five categories. He was led by Matt Harvey, who flirted with a no-hitter on Tuesday, but gave it up on this play. Oof. He added a scoreless outing Sunday to total 19 K's and a 2.08 ERA this week, while four other guys (Lynn, Greinke, Zimmermann and Masterson) added wins and sub-3.00 ERA. But really, his pitching could've been a lot worse and still would've easily beaten Niko, who was super duper poopy on the mound. His two Mariners, Felix and Iwakuma, have been nails so far this year but got hammered this week, while as Niko acknowledged, his boy Fister got Fistered. His best outings were actually all his streamers, none of which got wins despite low ERAs. It was that kind of week for Niko, helping stupid Jesse get further ahead in first.

Dan vs. Eliot

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Pigs' Pitching Defeats Dastardly Dodgers

It was verrrry close, but my undefeated streak remains intact. A dirty dozen wins in a row! Eliot made it tough on offense, especially that son of a bitch Jay Bruce who hit a ridonkulous SIX homers this week, nearly as many as my whole damn team. Everyone's favorite Dodger dude Yasiel Puig (cool story on him here) added a couple more homers, because why not? The Padres peppered him with sliders away all weekend though and he didn't do shit, so it might be all downhill from here for Puig if other teams follow suit. Eliot had multiple guys hit above .500 for the week, including Miguel Cabrera's .536, which just seems like cheating. I didn't do myself any favors with mostly mediocre hitting, as well as my benching of Jose Altuve on a day when he got a bunch of hits and three steals. But, seeing that SBs were my only chance of winning an offensive category, I put in my steals squad for the weekend and Ben Revere came through with three steals by himself on Saturday. That'll do. Of course, another guy of mine who has killed it across multiple categories, Carlos Gomez, just got hurt Sunday. Son of a bitch, my boys are dropping like flies.

The Trollop Dodgers were on their way to being the first Fist Pig defeater, putting up a sub-1.00 ERA thru the first half of the week, but then cheddar-bobbed themselves with a total shitshow of a day pitching on Friday. It was especially tasty because Eliot was bragging about picking up Johnny Cueto (who I had kicked to the curb due to injuries), then Cueto absolutely pooped himself with a 14.54 ERA/2.77 WHIP outing. Jered Weaver and Clayton Kershaw added lovely 6 ERA performances, allowing me to take control of the ERA and WHIP stats, control that I wouldn't relinquish. I already had saves and K's in the bag since Eliot wasn't on the ball (didn't pick up any Sunday starters and left Shields on the pine), and then clinched the win stat with dubs Sunday from Jeff Samardzija and Josh Johnson, helping me to a clean sweep of the pitching stats. 12 weeks up, 12 down, who will be first to beat me? Pete??? Psssh, bitch please.

Aaron vs. Pete

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These twerps tied

Although Pete had ridiculous hitting stats, including a record 16 homers, Aaron had face-fuckingly superior pitching and a narrow 5-4 win in hand if Ernesto Frieri could just get a simple save in a 6-3 game. Oops. Frieri spoiled what was another good week for the Shits' pitchers, who have really been on their game lately. Max Scherzer had 2 wins, 16 K's and a 2.08 ERA this week, while D-Backs surprising ace Patrick Corbin added 12 K's and a 1.69 ERA. Aaron, you should look to add or trade for another closer though, cuz carrying just two crappy closers ain't gonna get it done in that stat most weeks. Aaron's dudes worked hard for their pitching stats, while Pete's dudes, like their owner, coasted by in life and got lucky. ALL three of the Show-Mes' wins were bullshit. Bumgarner didn't deserve the win...he gave up a late go-ahead homer and got lucky that the Padres' bullpen blew it in the bottom half of the inning. FUCK. Papelboner also got two undeserved vulture wins by blowing saves in the 9th and getting picked up by his offense. So weak. Even Pete's saves were lucky...note a bunch of crooked ERAs next to his closers. What a crock.

I'm burying the lede though because Pete DID set the new league record for homers with a sweet 16 jacks, so congrats on demz. Chris Davis continued roiding...four more homers? Get the fuck out of here. Someone make this man pee in a cup. Carny and David Wright added tres each to lead the Yoenises past the Shits. Aaron had a grand slam and two other homers from Ian Desmond, as well as two jacks each from Joe Mauer and Adrian Gonzalez, but couldn't match Pete's record pace. He at least salvaged the SBs category thanks to four more from sexy sleeper Jean Segura and a surprising three from Alex Rios. Aaron had a chance to salvage a win if he had two or more runs in the Sunday night game from Beltre and Carpenter, but while Carpenter hit a homer to supply one of those runs, he fell one run short and this ended in a boring tie.

Sean vs. Oscar

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Sean's suckers squeak by middling Mongers

This matchup was a battle of our two cellar dwellers, though in Sean's case, is there a place lower than the cellar? I didn't realize how far off the pace he had fallen, but after two straight wins in Weeks 5 and 6, the Hammerheads went a ballgrabbingly bad 4-42-4 in the next five weeks. Yeesh. He was a lot more competitive this week and eeked out a win thanks to some craziness on Sunday. He had the narrow lead but briefly lost it when he was overtaken in K's by Mat Latos and his 11 K's. That's gotta suck for Sean's Giants-lovers, especially given Latos' on-the-record hatred for the Giants. BUT THEN! Oscar's dude Grant Balfour came in during the A's extra innings game and promptly gave up 3 runs and some hits, putting the Hammerheads juuuuuust ahead in WHIP. Probably won't make a difference long-term, but Sean's dudes could use the morale boost after the aforementioned dry spell.

The offensive stats for these guys were mostly mediocre and evenly split, with the exception of Oscar's alleged Roider Nelson Cruz and his 3 HRs, 11 RBI and a .379 average. No one else on either squad had more than one HR and none of Sean's Giants had ANY homers (you KNOW I like that). To make matters worse, his guy Angel Pagan reinjured himself while rehabbing from a previous injury. Really, this was a pretty poopy matchup and there's not much else to highlight here, so let's just move onto some muhfuggin poetry.

Poetry Predictions

Pete's a bitch and back in Maui
My team will make him go wowee
With as much power as he's ever saw
Fist Pigs fly high, CAW CAW CAW
We bet on this one, as is our style
Name change rights? Nope, pic on Facebook profile.
Prediction: Me, 6-2

The Shits last week got a tie

But now they're playing the guy

Known for not keeping his roster straight

While Aaron continues to rosterbate

The most moves in the league vs. the least

Will help Aaron's dudes keep being beasts.

Prediction: Aaron, 6-4

West against East Coast
Who will get to boast?
I say the artists formerly known as the Ducks
Who will give the Trollops zero fucks.
Prediction: Jesse, 7-2


Hammerheads had a brief respite from losing

Now will have to cope again, maybe by boozing?

That's how I'd deal with bringing up the rear

So cheers to poor Sean, someone buy him a beer!

Prediction: Niko, 8-2

Were last week's predictions right? 2-1-1 (22-18-4 for the year, think I'm getting a better hang of this)

Last Harbinger of Your Wasted Time

My AT&T Park Adventures

As mentioned last week, I went to the Padres/Giants games on Monday and Tuesday and it was quite the spectacle. Before Monday's game, I covered the grand opening of this lame social media-themed cafe the Giants just opened behind the CF bleachers (my story's here), and to my surprise, it granted me an all-access pass to various places, including on the field. The Padres were just starting to warm up and I figured I wouldn't get the chance to see em that close again anytime soon, so I decided fuck it, I'll creep on down to the field.
I mostly just stood there sooooooper awkwardly, not wanting to bother any of my Dres as they warmed up, but snapped a few pics for keepsakes. Then Everth Cabrera, a proud member of the Fist Pigs, came over right by me because apparently his friend of a friend wanted an autograph. They didn't have a pen and asked me if I had one, which I of course did as a journalist. After signing this dude's baseball, Everth was handing me back the pen and I thought "When in Rome..." and asked for him to sign my lame printed ticket. Total nerd move, but had to do it for my Piggies.

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Anyways, the game was epic...although I was forced by the missus to leave after the 10th inning, the Padres ended up winning in the 13th after what is maybe the catch of the year saved em in the 12th.

My Tuesday game was a lot less exciting, especially because the Padres lost in heartbreaking fashion, with the bullpen blowing it after an awesome late comeback.
HOWEVER, some spiciness did develop as the Giants took the lead...this douche fan in the row in front of us turned around and was getting in my face trying to get me to high five him. I didn't drink anything at these two games and wasn't the obnoxious ass that I can occasionally be, and didn't speak a word to this guy beforehand, so I very much wanted to punch him for trying to show me up...but I'm a pansy so instead said "Real classy dude" under my breath and then said some other passive-aggressive stuff to the wifey about amateur, front-running Giants fans that I made sure he heard. WHAT A BADASS I AM.

Of course on Wednesday, the Padres bullpen blew ANOTHER late lead and ended up losing again, but at least it was entertaining (including a bench-clearing scrum!). Despite the result of the series, I'm glad the Padres and Giants are becoming a feisty rivalry again for the first time in a few years.
On that note, hopefully you enjoyed this trial run with something new and we'll see if I decide to go through with it again next week. Honestly, I think I'm just doing these recaps until my wife finds out how long and ridiculous they are and makes me do something more productive.

Until next time, just be glad this is fantasy baseball and not football, where MURDER, not PEDs, is a reason to worry about a player's eligibility.

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