Week 12 Fantasy Baseball recap
Game changes and name changes
First, an introduction...
With the game changes out of the way, let's talk some name changes...if you bastards changed out your lineups as often as you changed your names, your teams would be more competitive. Eliot is the Trollop Dodgers...I'm perplexed, does that mean you're avoiding promiscuous women? Explain yoself! And Jesse is now YuCanoFuckyourself, joining Pete as a team whose name references a guy (in his case Yu Darvish) who isn't even on his damn roster. At least Cano is. So confusing. I liked you better as the BENCHWARMING BONERS.
As for the matchups, Jesse and I won again (what else is new?), Pete's pretties hit a record number of bombs but only salvaged a lame-ass tie (and that was only because of some massive choking by Aaron's closer on Sunday) while Sean ended a long streak of sucking with a narrow victory. Congrats!
Ok, onto the fancy new recaps...
Jesse vs. Niko
Fearsome FUCKS slaughter sorry Swansons
Jesse also dominated on the mound, sweeping all five categories. He was led by Matt Harvey, who flirted with a no-hitter on Tuesday, but gave it up on this play. Oof. He added a scoreless outing Sunday to total 19 K's and a 2.08 ERA this week, while four other guys (Lynn, Greinke, Zimmermann and Masterson) added wins and sub-3.00 ERA. But really, his pitching could've been a lot worse and still would've easily beaten Niko, who was super duper poopy on the mound. His two Mariners, Felix and Iwakuma, have been nails so far this year but got hammered this week, while as Niko acknowledged, his boy Fister got Fistered. His best outings were actually all his streamers, none of which got wins despite low ERAs. It was that kind of week for Niko, helping stupid Jesse get further ahead in first.
Dan vs. Eliot
Pigs' Pitching Defeats Dastardly Dodgers
It was verrrry close, but my undefeated streak remains intact. A dirty dozen wins in a row! Eliot made it tough on offense, especially that son of a bitch Jay Bruce who hit a ridonkulous SIX homers this week, nearly as many as my whole damn team. Everyone's favorite Dodger dude Yasiel Puig (cool story on him here) added a couple more homers, because why not? The Padres peppered him with sliders away all weekend though and he didn't do shit, so it might be all downhill from here for Puig if other teams follow suit. Eliot had multiple guys hit above .500 for the week, including Miguel Cabrera's .536, which just seems like cheating. I didn't do myself any favors with mostly mediocre hitting, as well as my benching of Jose Altuve on a day when he got a bunch of hits and three steals. But, seeing that SBs were my only chance of winning an offensive category, I put in my steals squad for the weekend and Ben Revere came through with three steals by himself on Saturday. That'll do. Of course, another guy of mine who has killed it across multiple categories, Carlos Gomez, just got hurt Sunday. Son of a bitch, my boys are dropping like flies.
The Trollop Dodgers were on their way to being the first Fist Pig defeater, putting up a sub-1.00 ERA thru the first half of the week, but then cheddar-bobbed themselves with a total shitshow of a day pitching on Friday. It was especially tasty because Eliot was bragging about picking up Johnny Cueto (who I had kicked to the curb due to injuries), then Cueto absolutely pooped himself with a 14.54 ERA/2.77 WHIP outing. Jered Weaver and Clayton Kershaw added lovely 6 ERA performances, allowing me to take control of the ERA and WHIP stats, control that I wouldn't relinquish. I already had saves and K's in the bag since Eliot wasn't on the ball (didn't pick up any Sunday starters and left Shields on the pine), and then clinched the win stat with dubs Sunday from Jeff Samardzija and Josh Johnson, helping me to a clean sweep of the pitching stats. 12 weeks up, 12 down, who will be first to beat me? Pete??? Psssh, bitch please.
Aaron vs. Pete
These twerps tied
I'm burying the lede though because Pete DID set the new league record for homers with a sweet 16 jacks, so congrats on demz. Chris Davis continued roiding...four more homers? Get the fuck out of here. Someone make this man pee in a cup. Carny and David Wright added tres each to lead the Yoenises past the Shits. Aaron had a grand slam and two other homers from Ian Desmond, as well as two jacks each from Joe Mauer and Adrian Gonzalez, but couldn't match Pete's record pace. He at least salvaged the SBs category thanks to four more from sexy sleeper Jean Segura and a surprising three from Alex Rios. Aaron had a chance to salvage a win if he had two or more runs in the Sunday night game from Beltre and Carpenter, but while Carpenter hit a homer to supply one of those runs, he fell one run short and this ended in a boring tie.
Sean vs. Oscar
Sean's suckers squeak by middling Mongers
This matchup was a battle of our two cellar dwellers, though in Sean's case, is there a place lower than the cellar? I didn't realize how far off the pace he had fallen, but after two straight wins in Weeks 5 and 6, the Hammerheads went a ballgrabbingly bad 4-42-4 in the next five weeks. Yeesh. He was a lot more competitive this week and eeked out a win thanks to some craziness on Sunday. He had the narrow lead but briefly lost it when he was overtaken in K's by Mat Latos and his 11 K's. That's gotta suck for Sean's Giants-lovers, especially given Latos' on-the-record hatred for the Giants. BUT THEN! Oscar's dude Grant Balfour came in during the A's extra innings game and promptly gave up 3 runs and some hits, putting the Hammerheads juuuuuust ahead in WHIP. Probably won't make a difference long-term, but Sean's dudes could use the morale boost after the aforementioned dry spell.
The offensive stats for these guys were mostly mediocre and evenly split, with the exception of Oscar's alleged Roider Nelson Cruz and his 3 HRs, 11 RBI and a .379 average. No one else on either squad had more than one HR and none of Sean's Giants had ANY homers (you KNOW I like that). To make matters worse, his guy Angel Pagan reinjured himself while rehabbing from a previous injury. Really, this was a pretty poopy matchup and there's not much else to highlight here, so let's just move onto some muhfuggin poetry.
Pete's a bitch and back in Maui
My team will make him go wowee
With as much power as he's ever saw
Fist Pigs fly high, CAW CAW CAW
We bet on this one, as is our style
Name change rights? Nope, pic on Facebook profile.
Prediction: Me, 6-2
AARON VS. OSCAR
The Shits last week got a tie
But now they're playing the guy
Known for not keeping his roster straight
While Aaron continues to rosterbate
The most moves in the league vs. the least
Will help Aaron's dudes keep being beasts.
Prediction: Aaron, 6-4
JESSE VS. ELIOT
West against East Coast
Who will get to boast?
I say the artists formerly known as the Ducks
Who will give the Trollops zero fucks.
Prediction: Jesse, 7-2
NIKO VS. SEAN
Hammerheads had a brief respite from losing
Now will have to cope again, maybe by boozing?
That's how I'd deal with bringing up the rear
So cheers to poor Sean, someone buy him a beer!
Prediction: Niko, 8-2
Were last week's predictions right? 2-1-1 (22-18-4 for the year, think I'm getting a better hang of this)
Last Harbinger of Your Wasted Time
My AT&T Park Adventures
HOWEVER, some spiciness did develop as the Giants took the lead...this douche fan in the row in front of us turned around and was getting in my face trying to get me to high five him. I didn't drink anything at these two games and wasn't the obnoxious ass that I can occasionally be, and didn't speak a word to this guy beforehand, so I very much wanted to punch him for trying to show me up...but I'm a pansy so instead said "Real classy dude" under my breath and then said some other passive-aggressive stuff to the wifey about amateur, front-running Giants fans that I made sure he heard. WHAT A BADASS I AM.
Of course on Wednesday, the Padres bullpen blew ANOTHER late lead and ended up losing again, but at least it was entertaining (including a bench-clearing scrum!). Despite the result of the series, I'm glad the Padres and Giants are becoming a feisty rivalry again for the first time in a few years.
Until next time, just be glad this is fantasy baseball and not football, where MURDER, not PEDs, is a reason to worry about a player's eligibility.