Baseball Bonerland!

week 1: Chris Davis, Doing his best juan uribe impression*

Dibs on the blonde wearing lingerie, and double dibs on the chick with the Sacramento-stain (two hair colors, to the left) and the cleavage for a nast33 thr3350m3
Hey there seksi boiz.

Well, week one is under our belts already and holy fucking shit was there a lot of offense. Remember that adage that "the pitchers are always ahead of the hitters" ? Well that's not totally true. All told, the players owned in Baseball Bonerland accounted for....drumrolllll plleeasseeeeee......104 (!!) home runs and 378 rbi's just this past week. Fuckin' christ. And we are led to believe that steroids aren't back in the game? SOMEBODY CHECK CHRIS DAVIS AND MIKE MORSE. This season is HORSESHIT. Austin, you had 4 home runs. Look at yourself in the mirror. Dan, you had 5 homeruns and if you start losing a lot that would be fan-fucking-tastic.

So, as per the usual format, let's hit up some news and notes from arrrrounnnnddd theeee worrrrlllddddd

news and notes from around the world:

Blown Called Third Strike Gives Brian An Extra Save:

If you haven't seen this blown strike call you don't watch Sportscenter. Holy shit that's the worst called third strike I have seen in a LONG ass time.

Victor Martinez, Wtf?:

Ten bucks says he pulled a Bryce Harper and slammed his hand into the bat rack after his at-bat. 8 stitches is a lot of stitches for something other than slamming your hand into the metal. Idiot.

YOU have to read Dan's Craiglist Ad for the giants world series ring

That led to this hilarious email exchange between Dan and a bitter Giants fan
Hot damn that is funny shit. Nicely done, Dan. You just pwned some 18 year old HARD.
And now, on to the matchups!

Featured Matchups: Charlie v Me, Matt v. Brian

So Munzy It's Ballin

Charlie, 9-1

Okay, first off, yes, Charlie fucked me up big time. I know, this was a 9-1 matchup but seriously, look at the numbers being put up here. Even more astonishing was that I made an actual come back at all. Charlie put these numbers all week and didn't stop for a gatorade, a quick oat-dropping (that means blasting some jellyfish turds, noobs), or even to take a vicious turd in a bag for me to wear as a hat. I knew by Monday night that I was going to lose so I'm gonna tip my hat to my boys for putting up some super seksi numbers even in defeat.

Almost every player on Charlie's team took part in this epic ass-kicking. To put it in perspective he had seven players with an OPS over 1000, 4 players with over 5 runs scored, 3 players with multiple bombs, 3 players with more than 5rbis, and 8 players with averages over .300. Gh3y.

Mike Morse had 5/5/8/.310/1182, CarGo went 8/2/4/.360/1069, Brandon Phillips went 6/1/5/.333/.913 (I bet he fucking loves Choo, look at those RBI's from the 2-spot), and Adam Jones had 9/0/7/.538/1248. Fuck me, AJ.

It didn't help matters much that Charlie also got two starts from his staff aces Verlander, Halladay, and Brett Anderson. I liked that Hallady got beat around and Verlander even took a loss (WHAT?!?!) but they combined for 36 strikeouts, 2 wins, and ERA and WHIP numbers that easily conquered my staff. Well played, you bastard.

My boys did a lot of work on the offensive side of the diamond. When you come at me you better hope Prince Fielder, Todd Frazier, and Ben "Zorilla" Zobrist aren't in a bad mood or they WILL FUCK YOU UP. Also, I expect to do better things when Edwin figures his shit out and knocks Jose Reyes in for some runs.

My pitching staff was a FUCKING DISASTER this week. I knew it was going to be a long week when I saw JP Arencibia drop 4 of RA Dickey's pitches allowing 2 unearned runs to score and advancing several other runners. But, the runners were there in the first place and that's just Dickfaces fault. I reeeaaaaaallllly hope this isn't the sign that last year was a fluke. I might have to send Eric Karabell a giant shit in a box if I end up releasing Dickey or something.

And then we have to address John Axford and Phil Coke.

Axford: 1L, 4k, 20.25 ERA in 4 appearances, WHIP of 3. Apparently, he can't explain why his velocity has dropped 5-6 mph...but it has. And he is getting the shit knocked out of his pitches. So much so that he has lost his closers job to Jim Henderson. I gotta tell you, I was praying to God that none of you turkey vultures was going to realize this before the stroke of midnight sunday night, swiping Henderson from me. Praise be allah you didnt and I still have the closer for the Brewers on my roster.

And then we come to the perennially head-scratching situation in the Tigers bullpen. The closer-by-committee situation came down to basically Joaquin Benoit or Phil Coke. Charlie, smartly, fished out Benoit. Looking for added insurance, I fished out Coke. Hey, he looked great in the ALCS, maybe he could really do the job, eh? I did the research and Jim Leyland had all the confidence in the world in him. So what did he do? OF COURSE HE FUCKING BLEW IT. So, I dropped his ass. But then Leyland said he was gonna keep putting Coke out there and that he would figure it out. Then, Coke got a save! Hey, what luck! So, I added him back. And what did he do again? Of course he blew it! That left Phil Coke with the weekly total of 1L, 1 BS, an era of 27 and a whip of 3. Thanks for the parting gifts. Then, he finally lost the job to Benoit. Cocks.

UPDATE: I wrote that last night but I delayed dropping Axford until he officially lost his job. Note: I am a fucking moron and accidentally left him in my lineup today. What did he do? OF COURSE HE LOST ANOTHER GAME. OMG end the self-capers. Yo nomecaper.

I'm gonna fuck you up the next time we scissor Charlie. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT.

the chris davis show flashes his cat peen

Matt, 7-4

As you can see, Matt would have easily lost without Chris Davis. Also chiming in were Paul "The Magic Jew" Goldschmidt, and Commish Fave Shin-Soo Choo. Look at those fucking numbers. FOCKING RYTE BOIZZZ.

Well, I'm sure in the future you can expect more out of Cano, Beltre, and Craig. Likewise, I'd be surprised if Chris Davis puts up the numbers from this week over the next three weeks. But it wasn't a bad week for Matt, it just wasn't very well-rounded.

Brian had a much more well-rounded week but came up just a few RBIs, runs, and hits short of beating the dreaded K4T. Oft-injured Troy Tulowitzki demonstrated his value posting 4/2/7/.421/1268 for the week while Michael Cuddyer (also of the Rockies who as a team dropped a huge penis all weeklong) said BITCH GATOR DON'T TAKE NO SHIT to his teammate and posted a 3/2/7/.450/1300.

Wil Myers posted 0/0/0/0/.000/000 in a very strong week. Trade him to me.

Likewise, Matt Harvey is making a case as the sleeper of the year being compared to MadBum and David Price already by none other than the great Buster Olney. Brian sat Harvey last week but in two starts he won both with 19/4 k/bb ERA of 0.64 and WHIP of 0.57. Str8 d3a71ng. Also trade me him for all the taco flavored kisses you could ever imagine.

I guess Brian really did read between the spreadsheets on that one. Nice pickup you bastard.

The rest of Brian's pen didn't do too much this week but they look poised to batdad some real toilet dogs all season.

AUstin, come on. You had first pick! UghDan prevails

During a week in which most players in Bonerland were throbbing in their big boy loins, the players on these two teams (as well as Ged's below) were the objects of ridicule and laughter for sporting tiny 6th grade erections.

The only player worth a shit on Austin's team was Wilin Rosario (no way! a Rockie!) who posted 3/3/6/.368/1242. And Carlos Beltran and A-Gon had five RBI's each. The rest of Cobra Kai's Dojo was cobbled together with found pennies and Taco Bell receipts.

Let's take a look at Dan's roster. Wait a second, who is this guy? I don't recognize him. Wait a second...could it be? Is it?? Noooooo couldn't be.......Ah, but it is.....

It's Emilio Bonerfacio's long lost twin brother Danilo Bonerfacio!!! A s0093r s73393r, I've read that he's got three tools: a throbbing cat peen, a third eye/forehead vagina for finding Merlot, and an innate ability to find out "what's on the ol' agenda." A GREAT pickup for the Piggies.
We all know about Bryce Harper's big week (queer) but the biggest Pigstar was Martin Prado. Mr. Plays Everywhere has 8/1/4/.281/741. That was kind of it for the Piggies. Notably, Joey Votto wasn't about shit especially compared to Freddie Freeman and CarGo. Sick trade, Dan. You totes traderaped Charzy.

On to the pitchers, Austin threw a little heat with King Felix dropping peens in a double-start week 1w/1L/11k/2.57ERA/.86Whip. Likewise, Jeff Samardzjia dropped some peens for Dan, throwing 22k's/2.63 ERA/.8Whip.

I really like what Fernando Rodney did for Dan, sorry, Danilo, last week. While I don't appreciate him fucking over my beloved Rays, I do get a small amount of joy in seeing Dan fret a bit over his roster.

Well, otherwise, nobody reallllllllly gives a shit about this matchup. I certainly don't.

#fuckthefistpigs #downwithpigs #upwithmerlot #purpleteefnothearts

Attack of Ken's Bike and Ski: Revenge of Pong

Pat had a good week on offense, Ged did not. Ged had a sub-par week pitching-wise, Pat did not. That's really it. Pat was just better in every category except steals. The only category in which Ged didnt get the doors blown off was strikeouts. Congratulations, Michael. Consider this sweet justice for your offenses in fantasee hockee. And jesus fuckin christ Pat that's one spicy week. Let's take a closer look.

Justin Mothafuckin Upton dropped mega-cock last week as I am sure all of you saw: 7/5/7/.318/1405. Waiver-wire acquisition JP Arencibia also pulled his weight 3/3/4/.348/1245, even though he can't seem to catch a knuckleball for shit. And even Fat Panda kicked in some snacks 2/2/5/.318/966. He's still a fat piece of shit but I'll leave it alone for now. And, rounding it out, Jacoby Ellsbury had a really nice well-rounded week 4/1/7/4/.310/907 for the Red Sawxxxxxx.

Pat, could you have any more fucking pitchers? Pats TEN pitchers (11 if you count his one start from Trevor Cahill) just outclassed Ged. Pat made the choice to reunite with Big Game James Shields even though he was now on the Royals and wow, it worked! BGJ posted 14k's with a very respectable 3.75era/1.5Whip. That WHIP is a little high for your liking but it should come on down like it was on The Price is Right. Wade Miley, formerly of the Houston Astros (PSYCH!), made me learn who he is posting 8ks in the win. Advice, enjoy that Betancourt got 3 saves this week. That ain't likely to happen again anytime soon.

Ged, AJ Burnett fucking dealt this week. 19k's, 3.27era, 1.36WHIP. Unfortch he took two losses and had a rosin bag bust all over him on opening day. Rookie-ass Rookie. Aroldis Chapman also dropped p33n as the closer (9k's and 2 saves). But you just don't have enough fucking pitchers dude.

Toilet Peens Tongue-tied

I couldn't decide between this....

or this....

For those of us who were here last season: Guys, don't worry. We've seen this before from Bodow. He drops mega-cocks for about a month, climbs the top of the standings, forgets his Yahoo! password and disappears for a bit. Well, until he disappears it would be wise to prepare for your week against Bode-dog's offense.

I have to admit Chase Utley surprised me greatly with 5/1/7/.391/1119. Nice pickup of Jed Lowrie 4/2/3/.538/1600. Even as a short-term replacement he's a solid pickup.

And motherfucking Will Middlebrooks (I forgot about him) had 7/4/6/.320/1250. Oh, whats that? Alex Rios had 4/3/5/2/.364/1213? Sexy sexy.

Aaron Hill posted a sexy week for Mike, 4/2/5/.345/1008. And some other people showed up as well for some supplementary numbers but mikes offense was outdone solidly except for RBIs and, of course, AVG.

On the flip side, Mike's pitching staff was anchored by Clayton Kershaw and, surprisingly, Jonny Lester. Kershaw demolished bitches going 2-0, with 16ks, no earned runs, and .44WHIP. Jonny Lester also went 2-0, with 13k's, 1.50 Era, and a 1 WHIP. Not to be forgotten, Brandon Morrow (Go Bears!) and Cliff Lee each pitched superbly this week.

Bode was undone by Steve Cishek (told you), and Stephen Strasburg being served a dose of strikeout-kryptonite. He pitched really well but had no strikeouts in his win. Adam Wainwright was particularly cute, with 12 k's and a win.

But neither of you had the balls to really do anything special, so better luck next time gh3y 801z.

Finally! A good matchup!

God, this matchup was about as exciting as two under-achieving teams battling to not-tie can get. That's just pouring with sarcasm, if you can't tell. :-*

You know, when I was drafting my roster (which is totes sweet) I laughed out loud when Ian Kinsler was drafted. "Good luck with that, Joshy." Well, now I have to shut the fuck up for at least a week. Stuffing his secondbaseman's peen in my mouth, Kinsler went for 6/3/8/.333/1116. BJ Upton may be the curse again (ask Zack) of fantasy baseball. Keep relying on him, see what happens ::Evil Laugh:: Also, Miggy had 5/0/6/.304. Not a bad line for the first week of the season from the reigning MVP.

The Wet Dreamz had a nice week from Dexter "nnnnnnnnnnnndexter" Fowler, 7/4/5/1/.370/1266, who is NO WAY a Colorado Rockie. FOUR BOMzzzzz from the leadoff spot aint nuthin' to fucks wit. Trumbo had a bomb, that's cool. And JJ hardy had two, totes awes.

Looking down at the two staffs, I laugh to see that Tim Hudson had 10k's. That motherfucker. Also, Johnny Cueto had 15ks with a win and an ERA under 3. Josh Beckett took a loss, and the world kept spinning. And Jarrod Parker didn't look so great. Wanna make a deal?? Hm??

Across the diamond, Greg Holland had a complete meltdown and is prettttty close to losing his job. Nice work, chief. Ian Kennedy, though, looking pretty fucking sweet. God, I can't tell you how tired I am of writing this dish and want it to end so badly.

Nice win, Ben. Can I have litercola?

[NO, the This Week in Match.Com Section is not cancelled. I am just not doing one this week]

okay, i cant do this anymore, here's a last nugget for you.

*The Juan Uribe Story for those who don't know (JOSH, BEN)

Josh, Ben: The other guys have heard this story and forgive me if you've heard it from them. So, I played high school baseball for a pretty competitive program (ask me about the 2015 top-five pick Nico Hoerner, holy shit this kid is ridiculous). One of our assistant coaches was a dude from a local high school (Bishop O'Dowd) whose best friend in high school was long-time Rockie Greg Norton. Greg and Jason (the assistant coach) were still extremely close. Mostly, they were best friend because one day Jason and Greg walked home to Greg's house in Castro Valley and they both discovered that Greg Norton's parents had died. I think it was a murder-suicide? Anyways, they were fucking close and that lends credence to this story because Jason wasn't a bullshitter.

So, Jason tells this story about Greg in the Rockies clubhouse around like 1999? Juan Uribe was still the starting shortstop and Todd Helton was still clearly the everyday good-christian leader of that clubhouse. One day, after a win Todd stands on top of a stepping-stool in the clubhouse. "Hey boys! Good win today! So, tomorrow we've got an off-day and it's my son's 5th bithday. (Wife) and I would love to have you all and your wives and children over to our home for a good time. We would really love it if all y'all came, except you Juan. I don't want that fucking snake-monster running around my kids. I'm fucking serious. Don't come."

APPARENTLY, Juan Uribe has the biggest fucking dick you can possibly imagine. Like Atlanta black male strippers dick holster python white women magnet gigantor cock.

I always thought it was hilarious but semi-unproven until 2010 when Juan "Long Dong" Uribe joined the Giants. It was only after a month or two of being on the team that you started hearing verrrry subtle cues from the broadcast booth about Uribe.

Jon Miller: "Uribe, batting 1 for 3, steps to the plate."

Mike Krukow: "You know Uribe is looking to tie things up here......He's got a lot of power in his waist."

Dave Fleming: "Swiiiiing and a miss by Uribe."

Duane Kiper: "Uribe has a lot of power in those thighs. I think he's looking hit it long here."

Jon Miller: "Uribe, always one for substance, is looking for power here."

Mike Krukow: "He's got a lot of power in his lower half. The question is can he bring that power into play here?"

So, yeah. Juan Uribe has a huge cock. This is Baseball Bonerland 101. Penis jokes. If you watch a Dodgers game listen for VERY subtle penis power jokes. They're there. And they're HILARIOUS.


World Series Game 1 Juan Uribe Hits 3 Run Home Run for the San Francisco Giants