The Mashley Specimenal News Update

Written, Directed, Edited, Published, Sponsored: Matt Ashley

The Paperman


April 20, 2008 - This past Wednesday marked the beginning of a lifetime for two young hipsters in Liberty City. Their chance meeting was an accident caused by the female human the couple getting slapped in the face with a piece of paper which left an unrealistic lip gloss mark on the paper. The image on the paper was a perfect clip art example while the actual face of the girl was a scrunched up face which slightly resembled a rat. Later in the day the plot of story caused the female to suddenly switch jobs so that the two humans worked directly across the street of each other. While working in his office the male noticed such an unrealistic thing and though that maybe he could throw away all of his work papers and risk losing his job as well as endanger the employment and status of the company of which he worked for. He began to form all of his work papers into paper planes and attempted to toss them across a high altitude, high wind speed and quite dangerous 50 metre gap that separated the two buildings. After about two minutes, movie time, and about two hours in real life of wasted work he managed to fly the hyper unrealistic plane into the building of the female. It flew directly into the trash can and went unnoticed. After many hours of this the males boss began to get mad and gave the male some more work to do. The man continued to throw all of these papers out the window as well, wasting an entire day's worth of work which could hurt not only him but hundreds others and his customers as well. The female specimen of the human species then began to leave work as it was the end of the work day and the man only had one more piece of paper in his grasp, the single piece with the unrealistic lip mark on it. After neatly folding it and double checking the seams the male threw it out, and it dropped directly to the ground. However the female was already leaving work and, unrealistically, the plane landed near her just in time for her to receive it. However the man was an imbecile and didn't right anything on the paper, no name, number, contact info or even a note. However, in the end the couple met up near some trains and they lived happily ever after.

STOCK MARKET CRASH OF 2015, page 7

Champions in the Making


This past Sunday two teams went down on each other in the court. The Wisconsin Badgers and the Duke Blue Devils fought it out for the national title in the biggest basketball game of the season. For the Badgers winning would mean the first championship in over 70 years. For duke it would be the fifth title for Coach K, in the last decade along. During the start of the game the two teams were neck to neck with the score tied at the half. Both teams were performing at the same pace with great plays from both. During the second half Wisconsin pulling ahead by 9, the biggest lead of the game. However Duke fans began to rejoice as Duke performed a huge comeback to win the game in the last few minutes

The Battle for the Ball


On Wednesday April 8, 2015 two groups of students got together to play an intense game of backyard football. The 17 students went at each other like hyenas on a baby elephant. During the game both elbows and footballs were thrown as everyone played with intensity and passion. Multiple interceptions by the stud of a beast Jonah Oettinger changed the tide of the game allowing his team to win. However near the end of the game, in an effort to comeback for the win, the other team ran a kick return back for a touchdown and then a quick handoff scored the touchdown. In the end though the score was never kept and neither team won as no one has kept a accurate score in any game all year long.