Week 9: In loving memory

of when I gave a shit


Franchise-wide averages:

  1. Tier 1: 143.8
  2. Tier 2: 143.1
  3. Mmmm close boiz

There are officially talks of a Tier 3 addition for next year. And no, Kyle, we will not be sending Tier 2 relegates down to Tier 3 next year. Saksen claims there will be ten fresh, stupid faces next year, and although I have been working on this for almost a year I now officially wash my hands of it. So, long story short, there probably won't be a Tier 3 next year.

Relegation Alert: The current rejects from Tier 1 are Lacey and Matt. They're really bad. Like Kyle bad. Not a word, Pete. Cum to miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Trade Alert: Believe it or not we have our first trade of the year between Big Steve and Cheezy Poof McGee. It's about time two of us got together and stopped being pussies.

Zack reaffirms his place as Late Night's Richie Incognito, and can back it up with casual (and overt) racism.

Kyle still hasn't broken 1000 points, and hasn't won since Week 1.

The Commish Fave Manginas somehow won this week, which gets me really wet.

Shut up Omar.

Week 9 Matchups

Wait what the fuck, I won? (Manginas 124, Juggz 111):

I literally thought I lost until I started writing this dish. The last time I checked was Monday afternoon, when Steve still had Rodgers against my Jeffery and Crosby. I chalked this one up to a loss and, as usual, took my talents to fantasy hockey, but wow this is quite the fortuitous turn of events for the Manginas. Rodgers out 4-6 weeks with a collerbone fracture? Ruh roh Steve. Hey. Guess what. Eli is on the block. Cum n get him you nastee boi.

It was nice to see some of my players do what they were supposed to for once, but it's still pathetic that I can get excited about a) 124 points, and b) a gimme victory. Oh, and par for the course with Blackmondingo amirite?? Hands. Cookie jar. EFFORTLESSSS.

Ps sweet Drew Davis pickup, Ged

Zack you're a real piece of shit (Sandusky 216, Kibbles 198):


Omg what a dick slanging contest. 49 points from Foles of all people, and 45 from Andre Johnson. And a measly 29 points from Chris Johnson. Zack no haz meaning of single digit performances. Not in his five towns. Keep in mind that this is all without Arian Foster (zero points). Even Zack's bench QB got 29 points. Will this fantasy luck run out? Absolutely, because I say it will.

Spencer's paltry offense was led by Zack Stacy (29) and Adrian Peterson (23). Peyton wasn't around to save Spence this time, so let me be the first to drop a "wah" in the Wah Jar.

Ugh go away Jess (Vaginal 123, Chin 108):

Mrs. Commish somehow cruises to a 15 point victory with Dalton and Glennon at the helm. Shut up Ged. Too many zeros on Austin's team make him have no happy. Stevan Ridley best black person, David Nelson and Jordan Cameron not black enough. Maybe borrow black from RG3?

Jess chipped away with a bunch of mediocre performances, and her top scorer was Amendola (wow) with 18. There's a joke here somewhere here about Jess scraping the bottom of the barrel and lucking out, but it's not fully formed yet. Check back next week.

Shane burns the Cheez (Utes 174, Queso 153):

A valiant effort from Mr. Safety this week, only to have his wet dreams crushed by Pretty Boi Brady (37 points). EZ Breezy only had 22; even Rapelissberger (32, bench) could have added to Shane's tally. The KC D put up big numbers again for Shane, and the 16 points from Folk certainly don't hurt.

Greg had a big week from Russell Wilson, Gio Bernard, Jimmy Graham, and Gronkerdoodles. Too many 5s and 6s though, my friend, better luck next time. I really don't have much else to say here, this matchup bores me.

Omar's bye week goes as planned (Hate 135, Eskimos 89):

Kyle I have defended your efforts in this league, and I chalk up your performance simply to your drafting players who would be better at triathlons. Clearly a high percentage of your players haven't panned out, and I will be the last to judge you for that. However, as Commissioner I judge you based on your boyish good looks and charm. There's a cute quota....and you filled it.

Omar won this week with minimal effort from ughRomo and ughsrslyPonder. Matt Forte (23) was his highest scorer, and Ivory's 19 bench points more than doubled the contributions from Murray and Bolden combined. Hey guess what? This matchup also bores me.

Week 10 Predictions

Jerry Mangina: Sweet. You Got 170, Early 100

Vaginal Kibbles: Jess your reign of terror must come to an end. Vick 155, Hubris 129

Queso Pokemon: Like a phoenix from Arizona, the Tatas will rise again. Chz Plz 138, Chin 118

Eskimo Utes: :( Schme's 128, Eskimos 105

Juggernaut Hate: Upset Alert: Juggz 150, Don't 144

Beat it nerds,