APOCALYPSE NOW
The Eulogies
We are gathered around our computers today to mourn the deaths of Fuck You Reggie Bush, The Red Headed Burst, Hurricane Ditka and Ugh. They lived a good life, rosterbating til their hands chapped, but the cold dark reality of death came for them as it has come for so many. Hopefully their headstone's plea reaches a few of you as it never did them:
BE BETTER
BE BETTER
FUCK YOU REGGIE BUSH
Fuck you indeed. The most informative quote about Jon's season can be inferred from Dan's summation of my season: "If Jon doesn't make that trade you never make the playoffs." That's capers bitch, and you 100% brought it on yourself, but we'll get there.
Let's look at the draft:
Jimmy Graham with the last pick in the 2nd round is too high for me, sure he's heads above all the other TEs, but there are still TE1s in the 10-12th round (if lacey didn't take them all), a WR here may have made Jon relevant this year. David Wilson trainwreckabortionshit in the 3rd. Then comes the list of disappointments - Amendola, Eli derpuldurp, DeAngelo. Shorts finally rounding into shape after 12 weeks of blowing so big win there. Pierce (fart noises) and Wallace (retch noises) came next. Jon got some excellent late-round talent in Floyd and Rivers (sweet job trading them). Wright and Woods were solid investments, and Jonny held onto one of them!
AP, TY and Wilson for Gore, SJax and Doug Martin: The Martin/Wilson exchange can be ignored as neither played a snap. APs injury is making things a little more even but in no way did Jon benefit from this trade. TY has been a disappointment you could say, but nowhere near as much as SJax, and Gore has slowed considerably. AP on the other hand? Still the best RB in football. Beat it nerd.
Dalton and Ball traded away for Clemens and Richardson. That's challenging for the worst trade in Late Night history. Still not 'concussed Jahvid Best for healthy Frank Gore' awful, but pretty bad. Dalton > Clemens all day, Ball workload increasing, Richardson's decreasing. This trade almost got the ughs into the playoffs.
Michael Floyd and Philip Rivers for Dalton and TY. See: Playoffs, Catfish and Relegation, Bush. A solid effort at sell-high with Rivers, but Floyd was a buy-low who has taken off. #JC.
Eli and DeAngelo for Luck and Mathews. I think Jon got the best of this one, not that Luck or Mathews has been excellent, but neither DeAngelo or Eli has either.
Jon was able to complement his mostly awful trades with complete silence on the shittalk and waiver front. When Jon rarely dipped his toe in the waiver pool it was to fish out horrible running backs with funny names like Fozzy, Christine and Benny. Who would expect muppet characters to tote the rock?! No one in the playoffs, that's for sure. Sweet pickup of Seneca Wallace tho (more fart noises).
Picking up Charles Clay was pretty clutch however. Almost like you didn't need to waste a second round pick on Graham but I digress.
Jon was the most faithful of the bunch with 5 players all going the distance for him (Wallace, Shorts, Ryan, Graham, Denver).
Despite being a silent and all-around awful manager, Jon's year ended strong, overcoming massive odds to avoid relegation. Good job Jon, your big win is beating a girl.
Now make me some food.
Let's look at the draft:
Jimmy Graham with the last pick in the 2nd round is too high for me, sure he's heads above all the other TEs, but there are still TE1s in the 10-12th round (if lacey didn't take them all), a WR here may have made Jon relevant this year. David Wilson trainwreckabortionshit in the 3rd. Then comes the list of disappointments - Amendola, Eli derpuldurp, DeAngelo. Shorts finally rounding into shape after 12 weeks of blowing so big win there. Pierce (fart noises) and Wallace (retch noises) came next. Jon got some excellent late-round talent in Floyd and Rivers (sweet job trading them). Wright and Woods were solid investments, and Jonny held onto one of them!
AP, TY and Wilson for Gore, SJax and Doug Martin: The Martin/Wilson exchange can be ignored as neither played a snap. APs injury is making things a little more even but in no way did Jon benefit from this trade. TY has been a disappointment you could say, but nowhere near as much as SJax, and Gore has slowed considerably. AP on the other hand? Still the best RB in football. Beat it nerd.
Dalton and Ball traded away for Clemens and Richardson. That's challenging for the worst trade in Late Night history. Still not 'concussed Jahvid Best for healthy Frank Gore' awful, but pretty bad. Dalton > Clemens all day, Ball workload increasing, Richardson's decreasing. This trade almost got the ughs into the playoffs.
Michael Floyd and Philip Rivers for Dalton and TY. See: Playoffs, Catfish and Relegation, Bush. A solid effort at sell-high with Rivers, but Floyd was a buy-low who has taken off. #JC.
Eli and DeAngelo for Luck and Mathews. I think Jon got the best of this one, not that Luck or Mathews has been excellent, but neither DeAngelo or Eli has either.
Jon was able to complement his mostly awful trades with complete silence on the shittalk and waiver front. When Jon rarely dipped his toe in the waiver pool it was to fish out horrible running backs with funny names like Fozzy, Christine and Benny. Who would expect muppet characters to tote the rock?! No one in the playoffs, that's for sure. Sweet pickup of Seneca Wallace tho (more fart noises).
Picking up Charles Clay was pretty clutch however. Almost like you didn't need to waste a second round pick on Graham but I digress.
Jon was the most faithful of the bunch with 5 players all going the distance for him (Wallace, Shorts, Ryan, Graham, Denver).
Despite being a silent and all-around awful manager, Jon's year ended strong, overcoming massive odds to avoid relegation. Good job Jon, your big win is beating a girl.
Now make me some food.
The Red Headed Burst
I'm not going to take the obvious road and make a pun about burst and balloons and Greg's season. But he should have been named Red Headed Bust hahaha lolling out loud.
Anywho wizened old seer Commish picked RHB as his fave after the draft. Greg had a strong draft and a solid mix of talent and potential. I was SHOCKED CJ fell to 6th, especially since Matt took Rice at 3 (still funny). Of course he's been awful and even worse - totally unpredictable. Alfred delivered, Jones was a travesty of an injury, and there are really no awful picks to speak of...luckily we have Greg's trades to look at lol.
Gore for Cruz: Since being traded Gore has outscored Cruz 128-73. Cruz has had 6 weeks of 5 or fewer points, Gore has 2 (both after I traded him to Jon for AP #JC). So suck it Greg AND suck it Joey who is going to owe me $5 for making that stupid bet.
That was Greg's only trade of the season and he kept it pretty quiet on the waiver front. I think this inactivity is as much to blame for his late fade as the Julio injury and the Cruz penetrade.
Greg loved the NFC East as Romo, Garcon, DeSean and Morris were the only 4 to go the distance for him. CJ was somehow in the starting lineup for 12 of his 13 games. So many disappointments. Greg obviously wins twitter for McCown's brutal assault of defenses from the waiver wire. In other news picking McCown off waivers and starting him over Romo in my ESPN league won me my playoff matchup #praisebe #selfpromortion #shameless.
Kazakhstan or whatever backward-ass country you went to definitely capered your potential playoff run. While you were building more missiles or whatever your team took a shit. And you gnoe if you're not sitting at work pounding ffb articles 20-30h per week you're not gonna make it in Tier I. Having a favorable schedule probably helps too ;-* Catfish 4lyf.
At least you get a chance to come back next year, hopefully with a renewed sense of obsession. Just think of fantasy football as your new crossfit, except 99% of the population doesn't think it's an insane cult.
Anywho wizened old seer Commish picked RHB as his fave after the draft. Greg had a strong draft and a solid mix of talent and potential. I was SHOCKED CJ fell to 6th, especially since Matt took Rice at 3 (still funny). Of course he's been awful and even worse - totally unpredictable. Alfred delivered, Jones was a travesty of an injury, and there are really no awful picks to speak of...luckily we have Greg's trades to look at lol.
Gore for Cruz: Since being traded Gore has outscored Cruz 128-73. Cruz has had 6 weeks of 5 or fewer points, Gore has 2 (both after I traded him to Jon for AP #JC). So suck it Greg AND suck it Joey who is going to owe me $5 for making that stupid bet.
That was Greg's only trade of the season and he kept it pretty quiet on the waiver front. I think this inactivity is as much to blame for his late fade as the Julio injury and the Cruz penetrade.
Greg loved the NFC East as Romo, Garcon, DeSean and Morris were the only 4 to go the distance for him. CJ was somehow in the starting lineup for 12 of his 13 games. So many disappointments. Greg obviously wins twitter for McCown's brutal assault of defenses from the waiver wire. In other news picking McCown off waivers and starting him over Romo in my ESPN league won me my playoff matchup #praisebe #selfpromortion #shameless.
Kazakhstan or whatever backward-ass country you went to definitely capered your potential playoff run. While you were building more missiles or whatever your team took a shit. And you gnoe if you're not sitting at work pounding ffb articles 20-30h per week you're not gonna make it in Tier I. Having a favorable schedule probably helps too ;-* Catfish 4lyf.
At least you get a chance to come back next year, hopefully with a renewed sense of obsession. Just think of fantasy football as your new crossfit, except 99% of the population doesn't think it's an insane cult.
Last words: I refuse to acknowledge that the league/teams to which you people are referring even exist, and will instead focus on my playoff matchup for the team that HASN'T been decimated by injuries in my SB league.
HURRICANE DITKA
Sometimes you fall asleep and the world is your toilet. Sometimes you're in New Orleans and you're asleep and you have to extra-pee and then you sit down on the toilet and then it's 1pm and Mike is peeing through your legs.
This season, Pete got to experience what it feels like to be the toilet, to be shit on despite sitting there in your finest china white (def not baby powder). Our overall leader in points failed to make the playoffs, capered with an insanely unlucky schedule.
If you have any question how unlucky, just mention something to Pete and he'll be sure to tell you. Even the fact that he made consolation is a mitzfah after the draft he had, or so we thought...
Pete went with the QB-forward strategy and landed Brees and Cam with his first two picks. We all laughed at Reggie in the third, but he seems a steal now. Cobb was a nice pick but he lacked structural integrity. Bradshaw in the 5th? WHAT?! Then McFadden? It seems Pete read the 'past injury history means nothing' articles before draft day, much to his peril. ALL of his RBs had durability questions, and answered those questions with something like 'yeah we're still gonna get injured almost immediately and fail to return from minor injuries.' Sweet job drafting Austin then releasing him just before he makes a difference, might have made playoffs with his 34" erections in your hip pocket (and butt [and balls]). Gordon and Woodhead have been insane and were solid drafts and strong holds. I'm amazed your hobbit hands held on long enough.
I don't really want to talk about Pete's trades >:/.
Ryan Tannehill for Antonie Brown: Has Antonio Brown been good? I haven't been noticing. And Tanny? I'm not gonna bother with my rationalizations for this trade, because there isn't one that could ever be valid. Congrats Pete on the penetrade, enjoy conso.
DeAndre Hopkins for a 6th round pick. I'm not real happy about this one either haha. I'm extremely not happy about how DeAndre has been playing. I'm even less happy that Pete avoided relegation and will be taking my 6th round pick. I plan on picking the best sleeper everEVER with the 11th rounder tho.
Pete your 6th round pick this year was DMC, you sure you want another one?
The 9th round swap I already expounded on, and it still makes me angry to think about.
The biggest waiver blunder in Pete's year was clearly the release of Austin. And balls. Pete's QBs started all 13 games and Sanders/Gonzalez only missed 1 each, giving him some continuity. Waiver wizardry with Marcel Reese going for 21 in his only start.
Why did Pete fail with so many advantages? Who cares, fuck Pete.
This season, Pete got to experience what it feels like to be the toilet, to be shit on despite sitting there in your finest china white (def not baby powder). Our overall leader in points failed to make the playoffs, capered with an insanely unlucky schedule.
If you have any question how unlucky, just mention something to Pete and he'll be sure to tell you. Even the fact that he made consolation is a mitzfah after the draft he had, or so we thought...
Pete went with the QB-forward strategy and landed Brees and Cam with his first two picks. We all laughed at Reggie in the third, but he seems a steal now. Cobb was a nice pick but he lacked structural integrity. Bradshaw in the 5th? WHAT?! Then McFadden? It seems Pete read the 'past injury history means nothing' articles before draft day, much to his peril. ALL of his RBs had durability questions, and answered those questions with something like 'yeah we're still gonna get injured almost immediately and fail to return from minor injuries.' Sweet job drafting Austin then releasing him just before he makes a difference, might have made playoffs with his 34" erections in your hip pocket (and butt [and balls]). Gordon and Woodhead have been insane and were solid drafts and strong holds. I'm amazed your hobbit hands held on long enough.
I don't really want to talk about Pete's trades >:/.
Ryan Tannehill for Antonie Brown: Has Antonio Brown been good? I haven't been noticing. And Tanny? I'm not gonna bother with my rationalizations for this trade, because there isn't one that could ever be valid. Congrats Pete on the penetrade, enjoy conso.
DeAndre Hopkins for a 6th round pick. I'm not real happy about this one either haha. I'm extremely not happy about how DeAndre has been playing. I'm even less happy that Pete avoided relegation and will be taking my 6th round pick. I plan on picking the best sleeper everEVER with the 11th rounder tho.
Pete your 6th round pick this year was DMC, you sure you want another one?
The 9th round swap I already expounded on, and it still makes me angry to think about.
The biggest waiver blunder in Pete's year was clearly the release of Austin. And balls. Pete's QBs started all 13 games and Sanders/Gonzalez only missed 1 each, giving him some continuity. Waiver wizardry with Marcel Reese going for 21 in his only start.
Why did Pete fail with so many advantages? Who cares, fuck Pete.
UGH
The McMenabitches got McMenacapers this week as he barely lost the last playoff spot on points. For all the bitching that went on about Joey taking a knee, it went for naught as Dan's shitty band of dildos just couldn't shoot enough joose to out jiz the Jizz. The real winner was all of us who won't have to hear McBragadocious talk about his back-to-back playoff runs.
At least Dan can sit at home rosterbating through consos knowing that he only has himself to blame. All those times he landed on the Anti-nirvana list could have given him the points he needed to squeak into the playoffs. As it turns out Joey will get (the apparently Rodgers-less) Jizz in round 1.
I'm sure Dan didn't overthink the draft as he filled his roster with mediocre talent and high upside. Richardson in the 2nd was a bust, VJax in the 3rd seemed retarded but he had an OK year so I guess a pass is warranted. Bowe haha mistakes were made. Golden Tate at 8 was a head-scratcher, high upside but he would have been available in the tenth at a minimum. If you draft sleepers in early round, they're no longer sleepers Dan. FUCK YOU for Moreno in the 13th, I thought he'd be on the board way later, that one panned out. Pretty much the rest of your draft got dropped quickly.
VJax Prater and JChar were the only players to go the distance as Pigs, providing a solid skill position points reservoir. Dan's waiver had a lot of duds similar to his draft. 5 players picked up had 3 or fewer points in their only appearance. Riley Kooper was his best pickup, scoring 40p across 4 weeks.
After missing on good RB talent early in the draft poor little piggies failed to pick up those valuable bellcow points and went wee wee wee all the way home. Then he made a baby (gross).
At least Dan can sit at home rosterbating through consos knowing that he only has himself to blame. All those times he landed on the Anti-nirvana list could have given him the points he needed to squeak into the playoffs. As it turns out Joey will get (the apparently Rodgers-less) Jizz in round 1.
I'm sure Dan didn't overthink the draft as he filled his roster with mediocre talent and high upside. Richardson in the 2nd was a bust, VJax in the 3rd seemed retarded but he had an OK year so I guess a pass is warranted. Bowe haha mistakes were made. Golden Tate at 8 was a head-scratcher, high upside but he would have been available in the tenth at a minimum. If you draft sleepers in early round, they're no longer sleepers Dan. FUCK YOU for Moreno in the 13th, I thought he'd be on the board way later, that one panned out. Pretty much the rest of your draft got dropped quickly.
VJax Prater and JChar were the only players to go the distance as Pigs, providing a solid skill position points reservoir. Dan's waiver had a lot of duds similar to his draft. 5 players picked up had 3 or fewer points in their only appearance. Riley Kooper was his best pickup, scoring 40p across 4 weeks.
After missing on good RB talent early in the draft poor little piggies failed to pick up those valuable bellcow points and went wee wee wee all the way home. Then he made a baby (gross).
Now Dan's free to purpicize those teef and obsess about his lineup through conso so he can brag about winning that. No one cares about conso (Pete you should listen).
Last words: I have some regrets...picking T-Rich over Peyton in the second round, trading for derpface Eli, among other blunders. But I did a satisfactory amount of trolling and just barely missed a playoff spot, and more importantly, survived my first year in Tier I, to Mike's chagrin. I'll have better luck next year hopefully.