Baseball Bonerland!

Season Preview: The Denver Boiz "Part333 Brigade"

It's not too early to quit (TITS OR GTFO)

Hey there my pretties :) I told you guys I would put together a little bit of a season preview again! I don't think I am going to put together another four part epic mini-series like I did last year (holy shit how did I write so much- oh, I was bored in Hawaii and it rained all week!) but I will put together some tasty nuggets reviewing and critiquing all aggregated piles of shit.

I have to say that some of you have been bad at getting your homework back to me. Tsk, tsk gentleman!

Also, I have not received money from: Austin, Zack, Josh, Charlie, and Brownie. Last one to send me money gets a snapchat of my dick. Also, use Venmo not paypal. Yes, Venmo is the same "super hipster mobile payment BS tool" that I chastised Brown for wanting to use last year. Much like everything else hipster, it eventually becomes mainstream.

Download Venmo. And then pay me. And then I'll snap you some hawt pix of my dix.


Charles Hatton's Annual Squad of Abortion Monsters (rude)

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"Rookie of the Beer" Also, that chick is fine but Braun-Braun looks like a retarded Gilligan wearing his grandfathers hat.

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I look at Charlie's draft order and I see mixed results.

On one hand, David Wright in the third round (#32), Jose Fernandez at #41 overall for a steal, and Adam Wainwright in the second round is a boss. Yet, he took Ryan Braun with his first round pick (#8 overall) and I think that is a little risky considering he had 30/9/30/298 last year in 225 at bats. He's been decent since his MVP season but you never know how somebody is going to physically and emotionally react after the way his season ended last year.

After Cespedes, I like your next four picks (Carpenter, Hamilton, Tanaka [albeit overrated so far], and Abreu), but I don't get why you took Yony there. That's a big gamble considering his numbers have declined overall, his average is getting worse, and he had just an abysmal spring training. But whatever. There are some other dudes on this roster who I am very low on. Starlin Castro? pppthhhbbtttttt. Profar? He's already hurt and shows lots of potential for being a big bust. Yet, at #176, worth the risk. Matt Carpenter had a monster year for Bodow last season and is probably a good value at #65, but I wouldn't be surprised if he had a letdown season- ditto Torii Hunter.

I wouldn't be surprised if Charlie got some increased value from Josh Hamilton. The guy is a fucking beast-made-beast and he had 73/21/79 in a shitty season for him overall. Considering he is made from the souls of previous first round studs, I would not be surprised if he dropped 35 bombs and had this silly look "oh, oops, I started dipping again and the bombs were easy as fuck again!" on his face.

Charlie did come up with a few of the usual "who the fuck are these guys?" picks, as per usual. Yordano Ventura? Never heard of him. Archie Bradley? Who? I have honestly never heard of these guys at all but maybe the joke is on me?

Overall, I like Charlie to be a playoff competitor. Shit, I could say that based on his track record alone. #realtalk Regardless of their by-round value, nine of the first ten picks he made were appropriate for their round and are solid starters on most teams. I do not think Cespedes is.


I think Charlie earns a playoff birth and loses in the semi-finals. And then, maybe, he pays me.

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Players with 20+ bombs: 3

80+ RBIS: 4

80+ Runs: 2

15+ Steals: 1

.280+ Average: 6

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But What Do the Scouts Say?

"Charlie's team is underwhelming to me. Maybe it's that he has multiple guys who played a part in the Fist Pig implosion of 2013, or that he might not have a starting SS for Opening Day, or that Yoenis is batting sub-.200 this spring, or that his best closer is Letroy Hawkins. He's likely gonna have to work his waiver wire wizardry to turn this pewp platter into a contender."

"I don't know how Charlie always turns a C- draft into a playoff team, but good for him ;) He may be a total pootie tang, but I really like what he's doing with Khris Davis. Oops wrong one. I like base ball. Seriously, he should really trade David Wright over to a certain someone for Nick Swisher ;p straight up ;)"

"after a second look at sir merkles the clown, (charlies team) I realized why he wants to trade me for pujols or evan, hi I'm Evan Longoria. he lacks major players in the infield, interested in how Braun bounces back this year his outfield could pose the biggest threat though Hunter is getting up there in years, though he was last three and he still hit 300 for the last of those. But as we all know Charlie will definitely trade rape someone..... not me. Now as for starting pitching charlie has a squad I honestly wanted Jose Fernandez soooooo bad hes a stud I watched him pitch live last year in his ballpark and hes a fuckin stud and he has a bat to I honestly think he might be the second best pitcher in the NL, too bad run support will be the issue for him. Wainwright is a stud we all know that Charlie has 2 number 1's on his team. Then comes Tanaka he has a ton of pitches under his belt I believe ESPN said he and only Felix Hernadez have more at their age, Only in Japan. "

You Smell Tequila, Too? Oh, It's Just Josh. He Parties.

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is he partially retarded or part crazy troll from 1994?

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We all knew you were going to take Miguel #1 overall but you might want to question yourself for not taking Trout. If I were you I would have taken #2 overall so you could have plausible deniability for taking Miggy. I think Trout is the bonafide #1 overall and Miggy has health problems starting to crop up. Also, he LOVES the sauce and that catches up with you when hit 30 (looks into mirror).

Of the first top five picks on your roster, all have their proper place and value but you seem to be making several gambles. Miggy for the health gamble, Longo for the second round value, Pedobear for the repeat performance gamble, Pujols with the health and productivity gamble, and Kimbrel for the Braves bullpen gamble. I like them, don't get me wrong- I just don't like you.

I like your Mauer pick. I think he is primed for a comeback year and moving to first full-time should benefit from saving his legs at first base. He might even have some increased power numbers from saving the mental energy of saving the Twins dogshit staff behind the dish. Likewise, I love Matt Moore in the 9th for a bounce back season and that's great value for a near-ace. I wouldn't be shocked if Victorino is done this season but you covered nicely with Brett Gardner.

The best parts of your draft were the later round value picks of Moore, Ubaldo, Masterson, Archer (one of the best pitchers the second half of last season), and David Freese with the 241st overall pick.

The worst parts of your draft were clearly your shitty little smirk when you dosed off the seven layer burrito and the 40 and your choice of friends in Denver. Be better.

Prediction: Josh makes the playoffs and loses in the first round, then finishes a bottle of really nice boutique tequila. This is all assuming he doesn't die during Brewfest.

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Players with 20+ bombs: 2

80+ RBIS: 3

80+ Runs: 6

15+ Steals: 3

.280+ Average: 5

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But What Do The Scouts Say?

"Josh is going Detroit-heavy (and ex-Detroit heavy) in a year when they could finally fall off after years of strong boners. Not scared of anyone in his lineup really besides the usual suspects like Miggy and Longo. His one strength is his bullpen between Kimbrel and Holland, but I don't like having all those TB pitchers going against the strong AL East lineups. He'll be lucky to be where he was last year, right on the cusp of the playoffs."


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He is definitely about that munz action boss

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*clap clap...clap clap clap* Celllllllarrrr dwelllarrrrrr *clap clap....clap clap clap*

Zack, I do not like your draft. Let's review.

(1) Cano- Will not adjust well to a much larger ballpark and way shittier lineup. He was a Yankee steal at #8 last year for Brown, this year his value is much lower than that. I wouldn't have picked him in the first round.

(2) Joey Votto: A solid pick at #18 but he is the curse of curses. And the Reds lineup got worse this offseason. I expect a decrease in overall numbers but maybe his average stays the same. Still, he is the curse of curses, I do not like this pick. I would have drafted an elite pitcher and picked up more bombs from first base later in the draft.

(3) Joey Bats. Nice bombs but has shown flashes of injury bug and I still keep waiting for this guy to slide. Like Votto, he's a good player with decent numbers but is always on a shitty team in our league and annually capers whoever drafts him by sitting out the last month of the season when the Jays are solidly in last place.

(4) Posey- Well, at least you waited to take him. He wasn't anywhere near his MVP production last season and the Giants offense hasn't gotten demonstrably better. Another Gedestad favorite, we all know how this pick usually turns out for guys who pick him.

And we have to talk about Matt Kemp. I wouldn't touch him with your dick if you paid me and I got to have a side session with his new girlfriend who I am sure is hotter than fuck. He is a fantasy caper made to caper any and all. DO NOT LIKE.

Likewise, Billy Hamilton is a prolific base-stealer but his hitting is super suspect. If he steals 120 bags this is a great pick. If he steals 70 and hits .200 then it's a fat ass flop.

Scientific? NOPE. Right? Probably.

You did find some value in Soriano who was fucking amazing in pinstripes and looks to get some lineup protection from Carlos Beltran. Jered Weaver was a great pickup at #127 even if he is getting old and his production is declining. Likewise, Derek "ya Jeets!" Jeter was a solid pick at #234. He might get 180 hits and 15 bombs on his way out. And Yovani Gallardo is worth a few months risk at #223 if he can shake the booze out of his system and pitch with authority. He'll probably lose 18 games for the Brewers, though. Thankfully, we don't keep track of losses here.

So, I don't really like your lineup to do much and I don't think your starting pitching is the tits either. Your relievers are decent but Jim Johnson is a major risk (I had him last season) as his shit is wearing thin from years of use. I can envision a scenario in which he and Rodney lose their jobs as closers. You better hit that waiver wire hard for another closer!

Prediction: Consolation bracket. Sorry bud. But super stoked to have you back in the league! WASSUPPPPP

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Players with 20+ bombs: 4

80+ RBIS: 2

80+ Runs: 4

15+ Steals: 1

.280+ Average: 6

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But What Do The Scouts Say?

"Hitting: Zack says 'Fuck you, Hamilton steals 10 bases per week'. Well, maybe until June, when he gets sent to the minors for hitting .143 and being an all-around butt munch. Soriano regresses a ton, noreando is a defensive specialist (.700 OPS at 3B isn't gonna cut it). More or less, Zack is counting on Posey, Votto and Cano to get him some W's. good luck.

Pitching: I like this pitching staff a lot. Solid starters, solid relievers. Zack will be near the top of the league in all pitching categories save saves."

"Quality effort on the team name, proud of you bud. Zack took a power approach to the draft (respek) with nearly all his players capable of hitting 15+ dingahs. Probably gonna be lower in the average and speed stats pending the rise of Hamilton. I love the stash of Kemp, pretty jelly. A huge stable of starting pitchers should have Zack in front of Ks and Ws, but he'll be scrambling for saves."