WEEK 2 DI$H

Drippin off your pu$$y lips

What have we learned?

Parity: 6 teams at 1-1. The top 3 point teams are all 1-1. Charlie may be pacing the league, but sits at 4th in points. KKK keeps on rollin: Penis viper is 2-0 despite putting up a paltry 126 last week. Dan has been on both sides of biggest blowout in 2 weeks. He still sucks tho.

Injuries: More important than the draft, your team staying healthy may decide who drops p33n and who swallows. JC took the biggest hit, losing two starting RBs in the first quarter, and they'll both be out multiple weeks. OUCH. Brown lost Rice but it looks like he may be back next week. If you have some handcuffs your team may have just gotten way better.

WE NEED TO BE BETTER!!1111!/11!1!!
Tier I: 137.3 avg
Tier II: 142.2 avg
Low score on the week was Eskimo Brothers from Tier II with a smooth 99. High score also from Tier II Sandusky's 187. Jiz and K4t tied for the Tier low with 116 and Commish fave Red led with 169. Tier II had 3 teams over 170, we had none ;(. If Lacey weren't stinking up this league I might feel bad about not blasting the sub-humans.

My favorite quote of the week: "I can't believe I lost to Ged, he's such a pansy"
-Jessica Saksen
I tried to get an explanation on how that statement makes sense, but Jess was too angry about her 2pt loss to explain. I mean I agree, but it's still hilarious.
D'Brickashaw Ferguson Punches Willie Colon

THIS WEEK IN TBS

Shockingly someone named D'Brickashaw (yes, his real first name) did something dumb. His parents not only handicapped him with that first name, they apparently also didn't explain that helmets are harder than hands. But I'm sure breaking his hand really taught that guy a lesson!

DeSean was too busy going all Penetrode on San Diego to make an appearance this week.

NEWS AND NOTES

We had our first trade of the year! Dan and Jon swapped seemingly equivalent players with Luck and Mathews going to FYRB and Eli and DeAngelo going to Ugh. Mathews is probably a little more valuable than DeAngelo, at least after week 6/7, but Luck probably outscores Manning. Either way I'd call it a wash.

The QB-forward approach is starting to look unhealthy. O-town is 1-1 and Pete is 0-2...guess who Oren's only win was against? You got it, JewFriend Shenkin. Oren sits just 2 points ahead of Lacey who's barely even a real person (and not just because she's a woman). If either of you is interested in a top WR for a QB I know a guy...

Has anyone been watching Sportscenter and been confused about all the Mark Sanchez updates? Never in my life has an injury to a backup quarterback been such huge news, but only because Tebow has never been injured. Seriously, no one cares.

http://www.fantasyplayerprotect.com/
THIS IS A REAL THING. Wish I knew a week ago.


FACES IN THE CROWD

WILD CARD: Eddie Royal grabbed a throbbing 27p on 90y and 3TDs, giving him FUCKING FIVE on the year. We weren't listening last week...how about now?

ANTI-NIRVANA: In a winning effort (;-/) Chuck benched Seattle D's 24, Bradford's 28 and Bilal Powell's 12. FYI his second tight end flex netted him 0 points. Honorable mention to Knowshown's 22 for Dan's bench.

DIRK DIGGLER: Home boy Aaron Rodgers poured 39 points down the Redskins drawls on Sunday making me a happy panda, while chafing papa Saksen's ass pretty harshly. SUCK IT DAD! Honorable mention to Vick, Rivers and Lynch (;-\) for 30+.

SMALL FRIES: KKK salvaged a win on only 126 against Brown's 116. At least K4t has the excuse of injuries for being dogshit...I mean I had 2 starting RB injuries and I managed 121 but I digress.

PERFECTION: 344 total possible pts
QBS Rodgers (39) and Vick (37)
WRs Royal (27) DeSean (27) Julio (26) and Megatron (23)
RBs Lynch (30) Starks (22) Moreno (22)
TE Graham (25)
Flex WR Bryant (20) RB Bernard (17) TE Bennett (19)
K Novak (18)
D/ST Minn (28)


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Before our commitment ceremony Greg promised he would trade me a solid RB2 for a WR1/2.
In all seriousness I like this trade for both parties, filling need positions. If you look at the buy low sell high I think I have the better long-term investment, but Gore needs to break out of his slump for this to work for me. If it does I could be very rich at RB indeed. At risk of making the Commish Fave Red Rockets even stronger I'm hoping Cruz regresses a little. Especially this week :/


FLEX USAGE

4-RB: JC (14), Red (7)
W-L 4-3
5 wide: Ugh (3), Jiz (6), KKK (0), K4t (3), FYRB (3)
5-5
2 TE: TDS (0), DCS (14), HD (19),
1-3

2TE set is the worst...weird. So far utterly useless OR on losing teams, but I digress.



TO THE MATCHUPS.....

Battered and Broken, TDS outlasts JC 136-121: Losing Steven Jackson hurts a lot. The pain of losing Lacy was very much mitigated by you stupid assholes not picking him up on the waiver wire. What hurt more than both was watching Lynch get a FUCKING RECEIVING TD when I was starting to have a little life. If you had told me Chuck's QBs were gonna combine for 19p I would have shit rainbows. Praise be...Schaub?Mendy? Really no one compares to the 30" of dongle BeastMode left stamped on my rectum. That Alabama Black Snake was waaaayy too boku,

KKKKillsKat 126-116: The snooze bowl of the century falls in Joey's favor. Matt was hurt by Rice;s injury, but even if he gets more touches Matty struggles to break 120. Dez Bryant and the Chicago D were the only standouts...at least positive ones. Brown has a very expensive problem on his hands with Fitz. Both teams need some players to develop (seriously Miles Austin?!). On second thought praise be Jordy Nelson.

Red...something...it's not awkward dog 168-143: Poor Lacey made an outstanding effort this week only to run into a buzzsaw. Lace you need more Johnson on your team (or at least managing it amirite?) Stevie and Calvin both flexed power veins. Greg had THREE FUCKING RECEIVERS with 20+ points, Cruz as a WR4 doesn't sound so bad. Vernon Davis is back to being cancer which is always nice and a disappointing week from Romo (especially as a 3rd round pick or whatever newb). Lacey Roddy is hurt to tweeted to not start him.

Fuck you Ditka 153-144:
Pete was probably very happy with Bennett's 19" penis (and we know he loves bog black unicorn dick) til he saw Graham's half chocolate double footlong there throbbing in his face. Pete put up a pretty decent week, 3rd best in the league but didn't have anyone go too stupid. WR problems down there in the 3/4 spot. Don't worry Bush will be healthy PPPPSSSYYYCHHHEE. Jonny's kids were very inconsistent and even worse through WR but some outlier performances by Matty, Graham and the Denver D were enough to grab a much needed dub.

Jews don't eat pork, or beat pigs 150-116: Oren dropped monstrous QB dong, then noone else had above 8 points, or a touchdown. O-Town it's time to make some moves. For Dan it was a routine week other than Vick's undressing of San Diego for a nibstrius 38 points. And hey JChar didn't get injured!


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POSITIONS

Brought to you by reverse cowgirl.
Quarterbacks
1) Jiz 134 2) Ugh 105 3) FYRB 93 4) dcs/hd 71 6) JC 69 7)TDS 67 8) KKK 62 9) Kat 61 10) red 56


Wide Receivers excluding flex
1) red 114 2) KKK 101 3) JC 100 4) TDS 89 5) Cat and HD 73 7) DCS 71 8) Ugh 69 9) Jiz 47 10)FYRB 54


Running Backs excluding flex1) HD 90 2) TDS 78 3)Ugh 60 4)JC 56 5) FYRB and KKK 54 7) Red 47 8) Cat 46 9) DCS 40 10) Jiz 27


Tight Ends
1) FYRB 35 2) JC 26 3) Kat 25 4) Red 22 5) DCS 20 6) KKK 14 7)Ugh and HD 12 KKK 14 9) TDS 10 10) Jiz 3


PREDIXXXXXXX

Chuck Fucks Pigs 168-134: Kaepernick back in the groove and Martin + Lynch at Jax?! fuhgeddabout it. Bold pick: JChar 9 points or less.

KKK also hates girls 128-127: This one's gonna be a barnburner. McCoy falls into the inexplicable Thursday pit, Stafford carries the klan to the narrow dub, unless Megatron catches all the TDs (and there will be many). Bold pick: Jordy 4 points against Cincy.

Giving the ring back JC 152-148: Another close one but my QB matchups are vastly superior. I'm prepared to spread my cheeks for Spiller but I'm hoping muscle hamster has an answer. I really hope Bush is healthy (famous last words). Bold prediction: Gore gets injured, Cruz goes nutsoid and flings 22 points of salsa into my earholes.

Back in the saddle O-Town 128-122: Manning is going to drop an epic amount of bombs on Mongolia this week. Luck at SF? eeeeeeee :/. WIlson and Rodgers combine for 10 points and neither receiving corps has a TD. Bold prediction: Minnesota D 25.

Lover's Quarrel Pete bottom Matt top 131-119: Pryor against Denver and Sproles against the Cards? Yes please. Praise be Cam Newton against the Giants high school D. Pete is starting Danny Woodhead. Nuff said. Bold prediction: Ray Rice late scratch/limited workload makes K4t start Royal who gets 0 catches and 1 point in returns. Kenny Britt has 14 on the bench. No seriously Bold prediction: Josh Gordon <5p.

FUCK YOU I'M OUT. If it's not good enough suck it. It's 5am and I have to kick KKKs ass at jolf in 6 hours. I'll bring da beers.


Just kidding Joey you bring the beers